A wall

Lately I feel like I’ve hit a wall and also that I’ve been banging my head against a wall. I try to put all of my feelings down here as a future record to look back on and at his be able to notice triggers or warnings. I’m not sure that I’ve written all of my thoughts down for a while now. I’ve had emotions flooding through me but not noted them down or written them here. I’ve felt isolated, lonely, secluded and repressed. I’ve also felt pretty bloody good too. My workouts have gone up a gear and I’m now taking creatine. My wife isn’t best pleased about it. She googled problems that can occur from it and some pages have said it can lead to hyper mania. Other sites have stated that its been used to treat bipolar disorder, used on its own without lithium or any other drugs. I’m using it for my workouts. I’m sure she’s right to have concerns, but I can’t help but feel anything or everything I do she finds reasons for me not to do them and it does get to me. I’m not a fucking moron or a fucking child! I researched for quite some time before buying the creatine. I actually bought a 100% pure source too, most have sugar or additives. I can understand that the additives and sugar most certainly would affect any episodes. Also I have Cyclothymia not bipolar disorder.

I’m certainly not feeling hyper manic at all and I’m loading the creatine. I’ve decided to load rather than just take the maintenance dose because of my size already, I’m just under 200lb , and being vegetarian it will work much better.  I also found that the loading amount can go by body weight rather than just standardised numbers. Any signs of issues I’ll drop the dosage.

Anyway, back to how I’m feeling etc. I’m feeling pretty good but at the same time I’m feeling held back in several ways. Is it so wrong to feel good or want to feel good? Is it so wrong to not want to just comply to normality? To not just comply to a bog standard life of tv, alcohol and junk food? Or wanting to eat well, exercise and keep control of all that I can? I’m pretty sure I’m right. Sometimes I wish people would just leave me alone, leave me be. Opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one, some just stink more than others.

So having realised that I need routine, I stick to it quite well, I do my best in most respects. Exercise has been a HUGE  help. Long may it all last. I see a few changes coming too. Changes for a better me.

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