Life

Life. How strange and amazing life can be. I’m not down at the moment, just very reflective. I’m feeling I’m drawing close to some decisions. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I’m trapped in some things. My wings are fully clipped. I can’t fly. I can’t see the woods for the trees. I fear change. So I live a life of plodding along. Plod, plod, plod. I’m sure I can be happier than this. I don’t make my wife happy either. In fact I think I make her miserable and depressed. How is life supposed to be? Surely there’s more to it than this? At times I feel like I’ve nothing left to give, nothing left in the tank. I feel like we rub each other up. Years ago I started to feel like my wife was being cold so that I would leave, so that she wouldn’t have to end our relationship. Several times she wanted out. I think I make her extremely unhappy. I’m pretty sure I do. 

Do we cling on to things in life because of fear? Do we fear change or the unknown and just carry on blindly? Or is that a sign of strength. Countless times my wife has told me that the happiest times of her life were when she was single. What do I make of that? 

Im tired of killing her slowly inside. I’m tired of dying inside. I know I over think things, but I’m pretty sure I depress her. 

It is said that we should live full lives.   How can trying to do right be so wrong so much of the time. I’m constantly trying to do the right thing for everyone. I’m led to believe I’m selfish too. Am I led to believe that life should be painful, not joyful? I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I should add that a guy I knew from doing track days together died in an accident in Germany on Saturday. He was a really lovely guy. It’s making me look deeper at my own life. He was a good guy. Life is short. Too short sometimes. Too short not to be happy.

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