I’ve hurt my back. I’m not sure if its caused by stress or by work. I’ve been doing lots of plastering at work. I’ve some more to do today or tomorrow.
what is sanity? Don’t we all live at the frayed ends of sanity. Or is it just a select few of us? At times I feel blessed by this at others cursed. Life is a game and I figure at death we wake up in another reality. Maybe the real reality. Maybe this is all a game, a hologram if you will, a testing ground for higher things. What is death too? What does death bring? Nothingness? Or a breakthrough? Maybe a chance to reach enlightenment.
I had a chat with a friend yesterday who has bipolar. We both feel the same about lots of things. We both love the high, the energy it brings. She feels we have special powers too. I totally agree. The downside is the lows. When I’m low I feel every little thing x 1000 or 1,000,000. Unless you understand this and have this, you’ll never understand it. She asked if my wife understands how even the tiniest thing sets things off. And I mean the tiniest things. Last week I worked late and it affected me. I think it wasn’t just the work but where I worked too. The guy is a friend but he talks lots and I mean lots. It’s hard to ‘escape’ from him when he’s talking. That loss of control makes me shut off, which probably makes him talk even more, which makes me feel I’ve lost control. Not easy at all. I know people, close people, think I’m a control freak, but it’s a defence mechanism to keep some control over my reality. My friend who I chatted with yesterday completely understands. I think she’s the only person who I know who does. That’s not easy to admit too either. The paranoia is hard to deal with too, as is the obsessional things or thinking that I can get into. I know I’m different. The nhs has very little they can do regarding mental health issues these days. The doctor told my wife as much the other day. I had to do a self referral to our local mental health people. Basically they offered a course on dealing with stress. Fucking great hey! I guess it’s a starting point. It didn’t sound like there was much else though. It’s not like I’m unable to function, it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. Outwardly I’m very functional, exceptionally I’d say. People just think I’m a looney. Far from it. I would say I have an exceptionally strong mind most of the time or I wouldn’t function I would totally meltdown. Totally.
Oh well life goes on.