Being born

I’m going to be 40 later this year, but I feel like a baby in some respects. I feel like I’m learning things completely brandy new, as if I’ve just been born. All of my life has been a learning curve, as is normal, but since knowing that I do have a mental illness I’ve had to learn some things all over again because I was wrong before. Totally wrong. 

I’ve noticed that I now have 100 subscribers, which hopefully means I’m either talking some sense, talking bollocks and people are enjoying a good laugh or that what I’m saying may in some small way help another person, another human being, which would be totally fantastic.

I’ve not been feeling at my best for about a week now but I am coming through. I noticed today that this last week has been so full of noise it’s been deafening, although I’ve talked far less than normal, and it’s all internal noise, internal chatter. Endless questions and answers. It’s like when Frodo puts the ring on in The Lord of the Rings film for me. I’m Frodo trying to make sense of the distorted world and everything around me is slightly hazy with the wraiths ( my mind ) there trying to reach for me.  I try talking myself back around but it doesn’t always help. I finally took myself off out of the way this evening after work to have a snooze as I’m feeling a little physically weak and tired. It’s been much needed, but I leave it too long because I fear my wife will think I’m just selfish or being lazy or rude. That’s far from the case. It’s a coping mechanism. Another thing I have learned. I’ve always needed to do this on and off over the years but at least I understand why now.

I’m going to go easy on myself for the rest of tonight. I’ll not push myself too much in any respect. 

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