I woke up full of anxiety this morning. I wished that I could be a millionaire and not have to get out of bed. I’d had a few odd /bad dreams. I think they triggered the anxiety but were also triggered by me being overwrought and overtired. Catch 22. Anyway I’m feeling a bit better now as I’ve focused on being fully present. I’m not fully present but I’m more present than anxious. I had sat here trying to meditate but closed my eyes and tied myself up in mental knots. Everything was too much and I just wanted to go to sleep. My circadian rhythms are out again, probably by over working and being high for too long. In fact I think I’ve had about 5 weeks of being high or being in a full on mixed episode. I’m still in it but I’m trying to very slowly come back down. I think I need some extra rest. I’ve nearly caught up at work again. Hopefully I’ll start to relax a little.
I bought a kindle book yesterday that is really good. It’s called ‘bipolar happens’ and I highly recommend it. It’s pretty short but has some really good advice and tips in it. I even got my wife to buy it on her iPad. I just wish others could understand how I feel sometimes. It always seems that the only people who I think relate to it are other Cyclothymia or bipolar sufferers. I don’t use the word suffer lightly either. I don’t like that it infers a victim or pain but it does involve suffering.
Today should be dry so I can get a fair amount done, although I’d expected it to be wet, and I can go a little easy on myself. I’ll not go to work until 8am this morning, in fact I’m going to switch back to that if I can instead of 7:15-7:30am. I’m also going to try getting home for 6pm if I can because these last few weeks have taken their toll on me physically , spiritually and mentally. I guess I’ll go get on with my day.
