Wednesday already

It’s Wednesday already. I still feel a little anxious but nothing like yesterday morning. I feel like I have some focus back this morning too, which I lacked for most of yesterday, in fact my mind was racing very fast yesterday and I didn’t realise it very much at the time. I’m trying to keep to strict patterns in life again to keep on top of it all.

I had a moment yesterday while driving home from work where I nearly pulled over as I felt really tearful. Somehow I started thinking about my mum and my stepdad, both are dead, and about the house they used to have. Lots of memories from my past came up and I tried to remember lots of other things. I’m not sure what brought these feelings up or why but they came up and I felt pretty low until I caught my thinking and managed to let it all go behind me. I’m not sure if it was a one off or if it was the start of something, I know I get a little retrospective around autumn and it’s usually a pleasant feeling. I guess I’m getting older and I’m looking at life differently. 

I read yesterday how being in your 40’s can be the hardest years because kids are growing up and work can be full on. I’m 40 this year. Oh well let’s see. 

It’s funny how life can be different to how we thought it would be when we were younger, but just as amazing. I’m very different to how I thought I would be and my life is different to how I thought it would be , but I’m ok with that. It is what it is and I’m who I am. I often think of making some changes, I guess I am slowly, and seeing where it leads me to. I think I’ve calmed down as a person in lots of ways but not in others. I still confuse myself at times though, let alone how much I must confuse others.

I think I’ve been holding things in again lately. My wife very possibly has a condition called fibromyalgia and has been in constant pain for the last few weeks. I don’t think I’ve told her how much I’ve been worried about her or how much the worry has affected me. I’ve been trying to help out a little more at home but I’m feeling pretty exhausted at the moment, but she’s exhausted and in pain so I need to do more, but I also fear getting too tired and tailing off or dropping off the precipice. My dreams have been pretty odd lately, lots of strange situations and or death too. I know this happens every autumn. Does it mean my sleep is a little disturbed though? I can see how my life runs around in circles, how my years go in circles too. Do I need to break those circles? I dream of making big changes at times but I’m too fearful.  I guess changes have to be gradual and steady for me to be able to cope, I usually make big changes and then things go wrong big time. I fear loosing my sanity too. My wife has a key word to use if she feels there’s a big mood change coming but she’s afraid to use it in case I get a bit grumpy, even if it diverts a bigger grumpy ness or mood swing. Luckily I self manage most of the time. If I find my thoughts racing today I will go and have a sleep. My workload isn’t too massive today. I’m still wondering if I should contact the wellbeing team again. At the time I thought the advice was good and I was glad that I was already doing what they would of suggested to self manage, but at times I feel like I’m not coping and that I’m verging on going over the edge. I think it’s either got worse as I’ve gotten older or I’ve started to notice it lots more. I don’t know. I guess by keeping a diary and blog I now have a reference to be able to look back through. Time will tell and I’ll know more over the next few years. I have certain things I like to do each day but don’t always manage them all and a few years ago that would of wound me up but not anymore I can kind of let it go, but I do feel like I’m giving up or giving in a bit though. Oh well. Tomorrow I’ll feel differently or maybe in a few hours. 

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