I’m still feeling good. I sat down last night and used a psychology and high magic technique to go back to my childhood feelings. Mostly I sensed fear and anger. I knew that it wasn’t all like that so this morning in my ritual I revisited my childhood again and this time sensed the love. I think I never felt it at the time properly. I guess we don’t always.
I came from a broken home. My parents separated when I was barely just 6 and between my birthday, which is the later part of November, and Christmas of 1980. I guess it pushed me very deep into myself. Looking back over all of it has made me fear that my children might be lonely too. My wife and I don’t have a social life and I honestly think that’s down to me. I honestly think I either push people away or I’m too full on. I think that these are defended mechanisms that I have built up so as to not get attached to anyone in case they dessert me, and usually I push them away so I guess I feel self justified, thus building more fears into myself and also reinforcing those fears. I’m not sure what the answer is but I guess I’m very very socially awkward. In part because of myself but in part because I’m very critical of others internally.
Anyway I guess I’m facing these things now. I seem to often be facing them. I guess fear sits on my shoulder too much too often. It’s time to let more of the love show through. Time to fully heal myself. It’s an ongoing big task though but I won’t baulk at it. I started this journey a long while ago and it’s always ongoing. I guess I’m at a good level of just acknowledging these feelings. I’m certainly not analysing them in any way other than knowing they are there or have been there. I guess it’s all part of knowing my Holy Guardian Angel. Knowing my own true self and my true nature. I certainly feel blessed right now. I feel loved too.
I’m carrying on with my rituals every morning and have been for the last week and a half or so. I’ve had the experience before but not in the proper setting I guess. Looking back into ones own life history is certainly not an easy task and it’s not something to do lightly, the dragging up of the past. Especially if it seems to have fear and anger in it. I guess as children we are innocent but at the same time products of our upbringing. I think that we are maybe more open with our children these days than when I was growing up. I know that I certainly didn’t understand what was going on. I’m hoping that understanding and dealing with these things will help me move much further forwards.