There’s no escape from relentless mind. I’m fighting and it’s always a loosing battle. I’ll succumb one day. I’m tired. Tired of push push push to get money and it’s always going out. I’m tired of working too much and too hard. My mind used to be a good place. Now it’s a fight. Internal dialogue fights me. I push myself too much. Fuck it all. 

I’m back on the hypomania train. Awesome. I’m feeling really good. I’ve been on only 50mg of Lamotrogine for 10 days now.  I’m being referred back to MH now.  I went to the GP last Monday about getting referred back because of the mixed episode/ultradian cycling. I also talked about CAT with her too. She said she will put it in the letter to MH.  All is good.  I also spoke to her about ongoing shoulder pains and that I had put me neck out last Saturday and Sunday and neurofen wasn’t touching the pain. She prescribed naproxen for pain relief. So far it’s been pretty good. The first few days it did away with the pain fully.  It’s creeping back a bit now it hey ho such is life.  

  I now have2 allotment plots and have been very busy tidying plot 2 up.  My son has been a huge help.  We’ve been there on and off all weekend or fishing basically with a few customer visits thrown in too.  I love being me and having this energy. It’s awesome.  So much getting done and so much to do.  All is good.  I love feeling this good.  I even had a week or so of being good ‘level’ which was good. I managed to meditate a few times and have very clear thinking.  I’m planning allotments and growing space in the field that we are going to rent. I’m planning on growing more in the field so we can sell the excess and also give some to family too.  Feeling good is good and it’s good to feel good.  I’m just hoping the pain starts to go away and I can stop taking the pain relief.  I hate taking pills.  

I realised yesterday that I have been on medication since March now and I have had a pretty rough ride of it for most of this year.  I am seriously considering going meds free again. If I’ve had such a rough ride this year and been on meds, albeit a low dose, will being meds free be much different really?  I’m normally in a good place or hypomanic for 8-9 months of the year and sometimes longer. This year I really haven’t been.  I know the so called maintenance dose of Lamotrigine is 200mg per day and I’m only on 100mg because 200mg made me zombie like.  It was agreed with the GP and the hospital to lower it.  I’ve been 41 years of my life without them and I know 2012 was one nasty year, much like this one, but I was meds free back then and I didn’t have a full understanding of bipolar and not even a diagnosis let alone think I had it.  So it’s made me think about a lot of things.  The cpn and psychiatrist both said I have very good inbuilt mechanisms and I need to go back to using them now.  I am back to see a GP, not my usual one, on Monday and I want to talk about therapies to help me rather than medications to mask over it all.  I need to be able to see a habitual/normal for me mood pattern and be able to try to stop or change it.  I’m pretty sure I used to be able to.  I’ve been told to try CAT therapy by someone who worked in mental health until a couple of years ago.  I owe it to myself and my family to implement real changes and to try to stop thought and behaviour patterns if possible.  I also need to make some lifestyle changes too, which we are already working on.  I have managed to meditate today and have real good clear thinking and have managed to slow my thoughts down with some mental control and meditation. I know I can’t sit around and meditate all day and I have realised I need to use CBT techniques to build in triggers to help me recognise these changes in thinking when they happen and I need to have a phrase to use which, I will strengthen by use etc, that will hopefully bring about some focus.  The last 7-8 weeks have been hell and I fully realise it will be a continuos ‘battle’.  My wife has now agreed that I should try meds free again. She is the reason I stayed on them so long even though I talked with her and said I wanted off a few months ago now. Anyway I will see how it goes and I know for now I can’t simply just stop them.  I will however drop to just 50mg per day for now.  

I’m struggling with lots. I cant see the point in pushing and pushing when nothing changes. I’m angry about some things and they eat away at me. I’m trying to break cycles and endless circles but when others around me keep repeating theirs and won’t try to stop theirs then I see no point as its part of a bigger circle.  It’s a path of self destruct and a path of pity. I simply cannot repeat what I now see as cycles or patterns. It’s a hard fight and if it keeps going in circles then it’s not worth the energy of the fight or trying to change things. I certainly can’t keep going on like this. It serves no purpose and is destructive.  I feel like I’m being pushed and manipulated into things in life.  I push myself too far with work and I’m still stuck in a hole. Pishing myself to get ahead and just as things look like they will change they don’t. I get kicked down again.  I have too much on my shoulders and it’s breaking my back. Ive been tricked into too many things when unwell, even before knowing I get mentally unwell. I’m more vulnerable than ever and I fear I’m cracking.  It’s a slow decent from a height but as the earth looms ever closer things speed up.  In some ways I’m not looking forwards to christmas at all because it’s the same thing every year. In other ways I am looking forwards to it because I do get to take a week and a half or so off work. The last time I took time off work willingly was last christmas and the christmas before that and the Christmas before that. Other than time off this year with flu/pneumonia. It has to change but doing the same shit year after year is killing me, maybe that’s why I’m pushed so much I’m worth more dead, and it’s insane to believe doing the same thing over and over will change anything. I feel like I should visit my parents at times. 

I’ve phoned the local surgery to get an appointment with a Doctor. I have put it off and will get referred back to MH services. Ive been told about CAT and advised that it would be really helpful to me. I’ll see what is what.   I certainly can’t keep just going from cycle to cycle. I know I’m strong but it’s getting too tiring now. Anything that will help needs to be considered.  

Today is a day where were it not for needing to get money in I would go back to bed.  My ears are ringing and pulsating, my heart is still racing a bit, my body still aches and I feel hot.  I’m struggling for motivation.  A few years ago I would of had a day off and broken the cycle but I cannot afford the day off right now.  So I’ll put the mask on, not that it’s ever off anymore now and I’ll force food down, get dressed and go to work and pimp my services out yet again.

 Things are getting to me in countless ways.  I’m not going into detail as I know what it all is.  I carry too much inside.  Too many things I can’t let go of and too many people out to nobble others over. Too many agendas.  Everyone out for themselves. I don’t like it and it’s not who I am.  Maybe I’m robbing myself, as always, yet again.  Retreat is the safest option.  Too many with their own agendas.  Retreat into self.  

I have been thinking about a lot of things the last few days. I know I’m still not ‘well’ per se. In fact it’s usually from now onwards that I get more energy etc and go higher. In a way I hope I do and in a way I hope I don’t.  There are so many circles within circles in my life and trying to break them isn’t always working.  Paranoia has been huge lately. I will conquer it.  I’m monitoring a situation and I’m sure I’m right even if paranoia plays a part of it. I’ve realised I’m not important really. Just another cog in the machine that we call life.  I used to believe I was important and had a part to play in saving us all but now I think the fate is sold and unstoppable.  Darkness and light both exist and always will.  It’s time to revert back to magick and time to withdraw more into myself again. Time to find myself within the abyss.  Time to shake the foundations upon the step which the dweller sits upon. I e realised I am becoming what I dislike the most about myself and I have two choices. The first is to mask over him/it. The second is to face him/it full on in a war and battle.  The second is the only option.  It’s time to shed this skin.  Time to reach the highest bounds that I can.  I have upset friends and am sure I’ve upset online friends too.  No matter the battle lines are drawn and my internal/external battle must start again.  Who knows who will win. Maybe Bob will come forwards. Maybe I will call upon her again instead and I must rend the veil and seek her advice. Both hers.  Only through the veil of life will I see her and her home again.  I will be who I will be. Myself.    

                                                          Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh

Slightl cycling again today. Poor concentration and lots of paranoia going on.  Struggling to trust people in an online group but hey ho I’ll survive.  Too much going on in my mind to worry about others and the false self. Ego.  I hope this isn’t the start of more mixed episode and more ultra cycling.  It wears me out and tires me in all ways.   I need to introvert rather than extrovert.   It’s time to hibernate again.   

   Lots of thinking to be done.  Lots of plans to be made.  Leaves rate falling and need clearing up for leaf mould. Compost to be turned and grounds prepared.  I must concentrate on these things instead of getting embroiled in online shit.  

    People amaze me in all ways. Good and bad.  Friendly and unfriendly. Honest and dishonest.  Non agenda and hidden agenda.  I’m like Sherlock Holmes.  I’m keeping distance though.  It’s almost Samhain and almost full moon too. Things will be revealed. Maybe it’s also time I used magick again.   I really ought to go on solitary retreat again.  Inner calm and inner peace.  I guess only some are allowed to be unwell while others when unwell get avoided.  Such is life.  

I’m really shattered. I wish I could go to sleep for a whole day. I’m running on hypomania now. I need to watch it as this is the same as most other years. I really need to keep an eye and not let it start its usual climb to mania before and during Christmas.  This has been a strange year so far and it’s gone so fast. Superman isn’t outting too much of an appearance in this year.  Maybe he’s deserted me. I don’t think he’s gone forever but he’s not shone through this year much.  

Last night on my drive back from drumming I almost broke. I welled up I side. I nearly had to pull over and let it all out. Something clicked. My parents are dead. They’re dead. I can’t talk with them. I can get advice from them. I can’t see them. I can’t ask them things. Can’t ask what drove them to separate. So many questions unanswered.  It tires me not being able to shed grief that’s hidden deeply inside. I don’t want to hold it any longer.  I should consider seeing the private counsellor I saw a few years ago.  I’ll think about it. Drumming is my therapy now.

   The older I get the less I want to be around others yet I know I need to socialise. I know my wife used to like to socialise a bit. Apart from when depressed.  Who knows. 

Yesterday I cycled a little but it was very mild. Mostly I was and am hypomanic. My normal state.  My thinking is becoming clearer again and things are settling down again. I’ve had some confusions but all is becoming good again I hope.  I have realised that my coping mechanisms do work extremely well and I need to fine tune them.  I need to be more aware of the triggers and of dates etc that can or might affect me.  Taking time off from work is possibly the one thing I need to keep on top of and to make sure I actually do.   Life can take over or work certainly can.  It’s nice feeling back inside myself. I’m almost me again. Hurray.  I’m slightly concerned about normal health but I expect some payback for the mixed ultra fast cycling episode.  I’m winning. I will always be winning.  I’m getting my mojo back and it’s good. My passion is coming back too.  I’ve realised that I have to focus on myself far more and be a little more selfish.  Life is good and I will take the rough with the smooth. It’s fine.  Life is for the living.  We are a long time dead and there’s no second chances in life.  Talking of which we have the opportunity to rent 3 acres of land and I can maybe grow even more food there. Ideally I’d like to get better at it and then start maybe selling some. We will have 2 horses there initially and maybe some other animals. A cow possibly or maybe lambs and a pig or two.  I want some ducks and chickens.  Who knows. We need to talk to the farmer and see what he would be happy with us doing.  Plans for life are always good.  I even said to my wife that it all sounds good but I need to double check myself that I’m not just getting caught up in dreams rather than ideals and reality. So far so good.