I’m struggling with lots. I cant see the point in pushing and pushing when nothing changes. I’m angry about some things and they eat away at me. I’m trying to break cycles and endless circles but when others around me keep repeating theirs and won’t try to stop theirs then I see no point as its part of a bigger circle. It’s a path of self destruct and a path of pity. I simply cannot repeat what I now see as cycles or patterns. It’s a hard fight and if it keeps going in circles then it’s not worth the energy of the fight or trying to change things. I certainly can’t keep going on like this. It serves no purpose and is destructive. I feel like I’m being pushed and manipulated into things in life. I push myself too far with work and I’m still stuck in a hole. Pishing myself to get ahead and just as things look like they will change they don’t. I get kicked down again. I have too much on my shoulders and it’s breaking my back. Ive been tricked into too many things when unwell, even before knowing I get mentally unwell. I’m more vulnerable than ever and I fear I’m cracking. It’s a slow decent from a height but as the earth looms ever closer things speed up. In some ways I’m not looking forwards to christmas at all because it’s the same thing every year. In other ways I am looking forwards to it because I do get to take a week and a half or so off work. The last time I took time off work willingly was last christmas and the christmas before that and the Christmas before that. Other than time off this year with flu/pneumonia. It has to change but doing the same shit year after year is killing me, maybe that’s why I’m pushed so much I’m worth more dead, and it’s insane to believe doing the same thing over and over will change anything. I feel like I should visit my parents at times.
