I’m part way through week 2 of 200mg per day of Lamotrigine. I’m not sure if it’s for me or not. I’m not sure if I’m better off on Meds or not. Tonight has been very tricky. It’s been building up I guess. I’m not sure I’m level and I not sure I like level anyway. Really what is level? Maybe I’m not so ill anyway. Maybe I don’t even have bipolar. Maybe I just lay things on too much and I should just relax more and things will be ok. Who knows. Maybe it’s just life has beaten me down a fair bit. I don’t know fully. Anyway I’ve had racing thoughts tonight. I’ve realised they’ve been building up for a while now too and I’m agitated too.
I had a Meds review kind of chat with the doctor yesterday. Well it was to discuss Meds. I have to go back in about 6-8 weeks again for another chat. I don’t think they know much really other than what they’ve read or listened to from others. I don’t think they know how it feels. Hmmmm. Maybe this really is just my universe and I just have to realise it. Secretly I know it is but mustn’t tell anyone or the game will be up. There’s a secret doorway through. I know others are part of the game, the illusion of it all. They say paranoia is bad but actually I think it’s heightened instincts.
it’s all bonkers. Everything. Everything is bonkers. I’ve worked maybe 60-70 hours this week and am now finished until Monday first thing. My head is spinning and I think had it not been for the Meds I would of gone waaaaay off the scale. It’s hard to tell because I am on them and if I wasn’t on them maybe I would kind of be ok. I don’t know. Who knows. Anyway where was I. Mmmm yes. I’ve been working WAAAAY to hard and too much and as soon as this job is out of the way I get onto a really amazing job whe the customers are amazingly cool. I can’t wait. I’m excited.
So back to the Meds. I’m now on 150mg of Lamotrigine and go to see the GP on Monday to discuss inns. It’s the GP who didn’t refer me a few years ago and told me I didn’t have bipolar and possibly had cyclothymia and said to self refer to the wellbeing team. So I guess she will be shocked that I have been diagnosed as bipolar 1 or maybe she won’t even remember seeing me before……until I remind her haha. I was going to say I didn’t want to see her and that she was useless before but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and talk with her. She is very lucky that I will allow her to see me to be honest and I hope she is fucking clever and smart because she’s got a huge ball of awesome me coming along. Talking of which I can’t remember if I wrote about this last time or not but I did a paid for Mensa home test and have been asked if I would like to do the full 2 hour one because they scored my IQ at 148. Haha
Its Friday already. Today I up my dosage to 150mg of Lamotrigine. I’ve woken with a huge headache but I think it’s stress related and not the pills although hard to be sure. I’m on a very tricky job where the woman is sensitive to everything and is insisting on this and that. My contract is with her father and he says to just get on and get things done, which we can do if she’s not there talking for more than an hour everyday about her ‘schedule’. So far I’ve been there for 5 weeks and when you add up maybe an hour each day I’ve lost nearly 25 hours of work, let alone 1/2 an hour or more hoovering every day, and she’s worrying about the job over running…… I worked 11 1/2 hours there yesterday just trying to get on and she was on and she was only there for maybe an hour and a half.
When I got home was mentally and physically drained and very down and things were kicking off here. I very nearly just got in my van and drove. I had nowhere I could go so there was no point. My son really being mean to his sister and although my wife tried to stop it she ended up having a go at my daughter. It’s always the way and I think my wife thinks I’m too soft on my daughter. My daughter feels totally got at. I don’t know the answer. My daughter ended up in our room and my wife in her room last night.
On another note I’m scared shitless that I’m tipping into a mixed episode or possibly full mania. My body temperature feels really high. My ears are ringing too and I wonder if that nit be why I have a headache too. I really don’t know. What I do know is I just want to get this job I’m on finished ASAP and out of the way because it’s really getting too me. I know it’s not just me because the plumber and electrician have had it too. The sad thing is I know the customer means well too. I do seriously fear if I tip this time I will end up in hospital though. I have felt slightly suicidal this week too although very very briefly. I have nowhere to run to.
I am very aware that I may be going higher than normal. I have some stress at work and it’s tipping the balance for me a bit. I was later going to sleep the last few nights and awake a good while earlier than usual in the mornings. I’ll keep a good eye on it too. I have decided that I need to use the extra energy to get more done. I’m on a partial deadline and need to keep the customer out of the way as much as possible because it’s slowing us down. I went in early yesterday and will do the same again this morning too. If I’m alone there I can really crack on and get loads done.
I can’t remember when I last wrote in here but I am now on Lamotrigine and have nearly finished week two of it. Tomorrow I up the dose again by 50mg. If I’m going into mania rather than hypomanic I’m kind of excited but so very aware that it can bed extractive too. I’m off Facebook and have been for a few days now as it an trigger me so best avoided. As to the medication helping slow full mania down well we’ll see and I guess it will take time to get built up in me and work properly. If I only go so high then great. I’m certainly getting very distracted and agitated.
Lots of things are growing in the garden or I guess I should say the polytunnel. Lots of seedlings are coming on here at home too. I love growing things and it can help keep me grounded. What I have noticed the last few days is I’m taking a lot less notice of things as they’re growing whereas last week I was very involved. Something to ponder on I guess. I kind of fear mania now. Especially after last time and how when the full high started to subside and it switched into complete madness of ultradian cycling. That was hell. Anyway plants are growing and I need to think about getting potatoes in very soon now.
where do I start? Hmmmm. Ok. I’m now on medication. I decided that I’ll never know if Meds are for me or not unless I try them. So I agreed to try them. I started on Lamotrigine on Friday. Ive started on 50mg per day then up to 100mg per day for another week then 150mg for 2 weeks and see how I’m feeling. Well on Friday I had a brief part of the afternoon feeling level. Saturday much the same. Sunday I was very hypomanic until well after lunchtime then I felt tired, Id had less sleep since Friday night, but level ish. Yesterday was cool.
Today ive stayed off facebook a lot. Ive felt pretty level and focused too and still had lots of energy with concentration!! So quite good I guess really. It is very strange though. So I’ll see how it goes. It’s been a very very long while since I felt level. I am still quite hypomanic in the mornings though but in a good way. I think I could get used to this, even though to start with it feels boring! Haha
Ah! More news. Just over a week ago I did a me Sa home IQ test. Years ago I did one abd scored 136. I expected lower seeing as I’m older and it was maybe 20 years ago. Well it wasn’t lower. Quite the opposite. 148! That’s in the upper level. The highly gifted level. The genius IQ level! It’s funny really.
I can’t remember when I last posted or if it was worth posting. Anyway. It doesn’t matter. Ive been hyper manic. I feared it would start going into mania. So tonight I lost it. I popped. I know it can happen buy it upset my family and it upset me too. I start meds on Friday. Lamotrigine. I’m hoping they will help. I’m not sure they will but it’s worth a try. So where was I? It’s been a very weird few days the last 2-3 days. Ive upset people. Ive fallen out with people. Ive shut people out. Ive blocked people. Bonkers bonkers bonkers. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I talk too much shit. Oh yes. I did a Mensa home test on Sunday. I finished it with s few minutes to spare too. It’ll give me some idea of what my IQ is. Last one I did when I was maybe 16 registered IQ of 136. Who knows what it’ll be this time. Probably rubbish. I’m tired. I’m so tired of things.
Yet again I’m back to feeling superb after a day and a bit or so of feeling very mixed with a lot of anger too. It’s good to be back here and I need to get my diet even cleaner and my sleep back on track again. I also need to keep a closer eye on myself and keep blogging away. Noting down feelings and triggers is a great way to become more aware of them.
I am not sure that I will be accepting the offer of medication from the psychiatrist for now. I’m pretty sure I will still have the offer open for the future. For now I need to get my head back on track fully myself. I’m sure medication he,ps lots of people but I’m fearful of clouding my mind and it’s free thinking. I know I’m different and I know I’m wired differently too. I accept that. I accept that sometime I’m unwell and that I have to take time off work too. I also accept that I work too hard and too long a lot of the time. I’m going to slowly make some changes and keep moving forwards with life and with business.
I enjoy being me even though not everyone else likes me. Haha. That’s life. I can’t please everyone. I never will and I have to accept that too. Also I get angry at times and am going to start working out and exercising again because it really helps me control anger and aggression. I don’t think I’ve dealt with it enough or acknowledged it fully either. I’m becoming a better version of myself all of the time. Life is good again.
I saw the psychiatrist on Monday which was great, funny and very good. She told me I have bipolar 1. Id figured as much myself. She also told me I’m hyper manic. Yep. Knew that. Haha. I’m feeling awesome again. I didn’t realise the depression had gotten a hold on me again.
So the psychiatrist wants me to consider medication to stop or slow me from the full mania. I explained what I don’t want from Meds and that didn’t leave much room for suggestion. In fact it only left one med. Lamotrigine. So I’m actually considering it. If I can keep the most awesome parts of me but loose deep depression and the worst parts of mania then I’m in…but it’s not so simple. Side effects. Hmm. Id rather not have any thank you very much but they do go hand in hand with any chemical introduced to the body and brain. So I have a few days to do my own research before she calls me back to talk further. I would like another face to face really but I know that mental health in the UK is very stretched and it’s probably not easy to get an appointment. I’m sure she would enjoy another meeting as it was highly entertaining for both of us. She was a little surprised that I’m intelligent and know my stuff. Lots to think about.
I can’t remember when I last posted. I promised myself that I should keep posting regardless. I guess ive lacked get up and go. Ive lacked inspiration. My mojo has been stolen. Ive struggled. Yesterday I didn’t work. This morning I only worked briefly. Ive got loads I could and should be doing but ive not got the inspiration for it. I need a high. I know what I’m kind of doing subconsciously I think. I think I’m building up stress so that I HAVE to pull my finger out. The last 2-3 days ive had an upset stomach too. Ive not taken vitamin d for several days either. Lacking mojo.
Ah yes my last post was about struggling. Ive been doing that alright. Struggling that is. I need summer. I need to be high. I need to be doing 10-12 hour days and growing food. I need to be passionate and inspired. I need to stop panicking if my wife has been drinking wine. To stop overthinking that she’s cross if she’s had a drink. There’s so much I need to change. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m in bed again. How can I inspire myself? I tried by setting some goals but it’s not working. Ive tried to be inspired by earning money but it’s not helping. Money doesn’t make me happy. I’m scared that I lack interest in work. How much longer can I work? I need to change to something inspiring. Maybe I should become a counsellor. Ive thought it often enough. Or study particle physics. I’m intelligent and find it hard to work out if I really could do these things or if I’m delusional yet again. I also know I can do anything if I put my kind to it. I’m obsessing about aliens and ufo.’so at the minute. I need a holiday. I need escape. I need help. But what help? Fuck. I don’t know. I’m back on facebook and also back on the bipolar group on there. It’s crazy. I go around and around in circles. Every year is the same. Will it be like this until I’m dead? Just work, craziness and debt. I have too much debt and not enough joy now. Fuck. I need to get inspired and clear my debts. Ive close to £3000 on the credit card plus an over draft. Fuck. Shit. Am I ever in control?