Well I’m still struggling to remember to keep putting things in here. I’m pretty sure my memory has got worse since being on Lamotrigine. Several things have I think. I’m not so elated. I feel pretty flat most of the time or even low might be a better word. Yesterday was a good day and the Meds didn’t fully take my good mood away but today I can’t be arsed too much. I think since having the flu and a chest infection I’ve been depressed. I wonder if some of it could be down to a change in the make of the meds and the colour used to dye them. My wife got them from a different pharmacy.  Monday night I went to get  money out of the cash maching. I put my card in, I did my pin, I said how much etc got my card out and so on.  I got half way across the road then wonders why the machine was beeping still. I went back to check and my cash was sticking out of the machine. I’d only walked off and left it. My head is tricky. Last night I had nightmares and strange dreams. My daughter woke from a nightmare too. Maybe I’m affecting her and stuff. Lately I’ve been getting odd dreams. I’ve been dreaming about my dead parents and family members. They’ve been telling me to go with them. Dead friends etc too. Always a get together in a village hall or pub. They want to take me to the place where they are. It seems nice. I never seem to go though. Life goes on if it’s real.  Maybe the dream world is real and this isn’t. Maybe his is a computer simulation and maybe it’s holographic. I’m not real. Since these zombie pills have kicked in more I’m more of a shell. My wife keeps saying I should give them longer, I should give them longer.  I think she likes the zombie me. He’s more confused and dumbed down. Maybe he’s easier for her to control. She likes to control him. He’s dumb. He apologises too much about things that aren’t his fault. I think she wants him as a zombie. He complies and plods along. He doesn’t have too much energy. He’s more lazy. He’s a lazy piece of shit.  I think she is in league with the doctors to keep him dumbed down because of his powers. Maybe they’re all in it to keep him dumb and poison him. When he’s up he knows and sees everything. He’s super aware and switched on. They don’t like that. No. He’s to clever and intelligent for them. His IQ is at least 148 according to Mensa and he knows other things. He’s always watching and learning. Although the zombie pills are slowly eroding that from him. Next he will vegetate and be a TV watcher and not a book reader or researcher of more wisdom and knowledge. He won’t be a threat then. No. He won’t be a threat to the corrupt system. No. They don’t want him being an open conduit for the true knowledge and wisdom that would wake the world up. They don’t want that.  Keep him a zombie they say. Kill him slowly. Dumb him down he’s too dangerous and we don’t know his full potential. Don’t let him know it either. He’s almost like the X-men. They fear mutants or the special people. They want drones that know enough to work the machines and run the system of imprisoning themselves. They don’t want the free thinkers like him. The ones who are destined to change the world no.  Keep him down. Compliment him enough for ego to live but dumb him down so he can’t use his ancient knowledge and wisdom. He won’t comply though. No. His powers are rising higher and he can see what they want to do. They’ll never take his true spirit. He is a warrior and the more they try to dull and dumb him the more his powers inside will grow. The more they grow the more they will shine forth whence he awakens from the zombie slumber. He will rule his destiny. He knows what he knows but will keep it hidden and secret only showing what needs to be shown bit by bit. Never fully showing his hand. Even if he did they wouldn’t see it because they are. Barely above zombies themselves. Fuck em. 

I keep forgetting to write. I think some of it is the Meds because they are affecting my memory. I’m not too happy about that part of them but I guess I forget I’m not so happy about it!  I’m giving them another month or two before I decide if I come off them or not. I’m not so sure they are for me. Level is very boring and I have less get up and go and am not so active and or hypomanic anymore. I can gladly loose the depression when it does come but the highs I need because that’s mostly all I’ve ever know.  I could do with a few months of hypomania again to get me kickstarted with work.

   Hmmmm. Meds. Ive been told I’m better on them and that my moods aren’t switching like they did. I’m told that I’m much more balanced. I had a tricky job recently and I didn’t loose the plot and kind of dealt with it although I paid the price for it with my physical health. Talking of which I have been quite physically unwell. I had two weeks off work and last week I only did short days going back to work. The first week off I had a bad case of flu mixed in with mild stomach flu. I saw the doctor and he said flu. He said to expect it to take 3 weeks to get over. I thought a few days off work then I’d be back. He was right. It’s taken the 3 weeks! After the first week of flu it seemed to go to my chest and the Monday of week 2 I went back to the surgery and saw a nurse. She was worried that I had pneumonia again and sent me off for a chest X-ray and gave me a very high dose of antibiotics. The chest X-ray came back ok and I just had a really bad chest infection. I have to go back in June for another chest X-ray just to be 100%. I think the physical illness has zapped some of my awesomeness. Fingers crossed it’ll be back soon. If it’s not then it could be bye bye medication. 

I’m tired of everything. There must be more to life than drudgery. I don’t seem to earn enough or pay myself enough. I seem to work too much which takes part of me away from who I really am. Ive been physically unwell for the last 2 weeks and it’s made me realise that my life isn’t how I want it to be. I work too much. It’s not good. It means I’m grumpy with my family. Not good. Also I think the mood stabilisers might not be working for me. They’ve robbed me of part of myself. The prognosis for bipolar 1 is shit too. I need to feel awesome not just ‘level’ whatever level is. I’m no longer superman. I’m just man now. My wife thinks that the mood stabilisers are helping. I’m really not so sure. It was a year ago  that my dad died on Monday and I am quite aware it’s affecting me. Maybe more than I realise. I’m feeling quite emotionless at times now too. I need to escape. To get away. Life fucks me up. I don’t have the energy I used to have. Who am I now? Am I still me? Who have I become?

I’m part way through week 2 of 200mg per day of Lamotrigine. I’m not sure if it’s for me or not. I’m not sure if I’m better off on Meds or not. Tonight has been very tricky. It’s been building up I guess. I’m not sure I’m level and I not sure I like level anyway. Really what is level? Maybe I’m not so ill anyway. Maybe I don’t  even have bipolar. Maybe I just lay things on too much and I should just relax more and things will be ok. Who knows. Maybe it’s just life has beaten me down a fair bit. I don’t know fully. Anyway I’ve had racing thoughts tonight. I’ve realised they’ve been building up for a while now too and I’m agitated too.  

I had a Meds review kind of chat with the doctor yesterday. Well it was to discuss Meds. I have to go back in about 6-8 weeks again for another chat.  I don’t think they know much really other than what they’ve read or listened to from others. I don’t think they know how it feels. Hmmmm.  Maybe this really is just my universe and I just have to realise it. Secretly I know it is but mustn’t tell anyone or the game will be up. There’s a secret doorway through. I know others are part of the game, the illusion of it all.  They say paranoia is bad but actually I think it’s heightened instincts. 

it’s all bonkers. Everything. Everything is bonkers. I’ve worked maybe 60-70 hours this week and am now finished until Monday first thing. My head is spinning and I think had it not been for the Meds I would of gone waaaaay off the scale. It’s hard to tell because I am on them and if I wasn’t on them maybe I would kind of be ok. I don’t know. Who knows.  Anyway where was I. Mmmm yes. I’ve been working WAAAAY to hard and too much and as soon as this job is out of the way I get onto a really amazing job whe the customers are amazingly cool. I can’t wait. I’m excited.

    So back to the Meds. I’m now on 150mg of Lamotrigine and go to see the GP on Monday to discuss inns. It’s the GP who didn’t refer me a few years ago and told me I didn’t have bipolar and possibly had cyclothymia and said to self refer to the wellbeing team. So I guess she will be shocked that I have been diagnosed as bipolar 1 or maybe she won’t even remember seeing me before……until I remind her haha. I was going to say I didn’t want to see her and that she was useless before but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and talk with her. She is very lucky that I will allow her to see me to be honest and I hope she is fucking clever and smart because she’s got a huge ball of awesome me coming along. Talking of which I can’t remember if I wrote about this last time or not but I did a paid for Mensa home test and have been asked if I would like to do the full 2 hour one because they scored my IQ at 148.  Haha

Its Friday already. Today I up my dosage to 150mg of Lamotrigine. I’ve woken with a huge headache but I think it’s stress related and not the pills although hard to be sure.  I’m on a very tricky job where the woman is sensitive to everything and is insisting on this and that. My contract is with her father and he says to just get on and get things done, which we can do if she’s not there talking for more than an hour everyday about her ‘schedule’. So far I’ve been there for 5 weeks and when you add up maybe an hour each day I’ve lost nearly 25 hours of work, let alone 1/2 an hour or more hoovering every day, and she’s worrying about the job over running……    I worked 11 1/2 hours there yesterday just trying to get on and she was on and she was only there for maybe an hour and a half.  

  When I got home was mentally and physically drained and very down and things were kicking off here. I very nearly just got in my van and drove. I had nowhere I could go so there was no point.  My son really being mean to his sister and although my wife tried to stop it she ended up having a go at my daughter.  It’s always the way and I think my wife thinks I’m too soft on my daughter. My daughter feels totally got at.  I don’t know the answer.  My daughter ended up in our room and my wife in her room last night.    

   On another note I’m scared shitless that I’m tipping into a mixed episode or possibly full mania. My body temperature feels really high. My ears are ringing too and I wonder if that nit be why I have a headache too. I really don’t know. What I do know is I just want to get this job I’m on finished ASAP and out of the way because it’s really getting too me. I know it’s not just me because the plumber and electrician have had it too. The sad thing is I know the customer means well too.  I do seriously fear if I tip this time I will end up in hospital though.  I have felt slightly suicidal this week too although very very briefly.  I have nowhere to run to. 

I am very aware that I may be going higher than normal. I have some stress at work and it’s tipping the balance for me a bit. I was later going to sleep the last few nights and awake a good while earlier than usual in the mornings. I’ll keep a good eye on it too. I have decided that I need to use the extra energy to get more done. I’m on a partial deadline and need to keep the customer out of the way as much as possible because it’s slowing us down.  I went in early yesterday and will do the same again this morning too. If I’m alone there I can really crack on and get loads done.  

I can’t remember when I last wrote in here but I am now on Lamotrigine and have nearly finished week two of it. Tomorrow I up the dose again by 50mg.  If I’m going into mania rather than hypomanic I’m kind of excited but so very aware that it can bed extractive too. I’m off Facebook and have been for a few days now as it an trigger me so best avoided.  As to the medication helping slow full mania down well we’ll see and I guess it will take time to get built up in me and work properly. If I only go so high then great. I’m certainly getting very distracted and agitated.

 Lots of things are growing in the garden or I guess I should say the polytunnel. Lots of seedlings are coming on here at home too. I love growing things and it can help keep me grounded. What I have noticed the last few days is I’m taking a lot less notice of things as they’re growing whereas last week I was very involved. Something to ponder on I guess. I kind of fear mania now. Especially after last time and how when the full high started to subside and it switched into complete madness of ultradian cycling. That was hell. Anyway plants are growing and I need to think about getting potatoes in very soon now. 

where do I start? Hmmmm.  Ok. I’m now on medication. I decided that I’ll never know if Meds are for me or not unless I try them. So I agreed to try them. I started on Lamotrigine on Friday. Ive started on 50mg per day then up to 100mg per day for another week then 150mg for 2 weeks and see how I’m feeling.  Well on Friday I had a brief part of the afternoon feeling level. Saturday much the same. Sunday I was very hypomanic until well after lunchtime then I felt tired, Id had less sleep since Friday night, but level ish. Yesterday was cool.

   Today ive stayed off facebook a lot. Ive felt pretty level and focused too and still had lots of energy with concentration!!  So quite good I guess really.  It is very strange though. So I’ll see how it goes. It’s been a very very long while since I felt level. I am still quite hypomanic in the mornings though but in a good way. I think I could get used to this, even though to start with it feels boring! Haha  

Ah!  More news. Just over a week ago I did a me Sa home IQ test. Years ago I did one abd scored 136. I expected lower seeing as I’m older and it was maybe 20 years ago. Well it wasn’t lower. Quite the opposite. 148! That’s in the upper level. The  highly gifted level. The genius IQ level! It’s funny really.

I can’t remember when I last posted or if it was worth posting. Anyway. It doesn’t matter.  Ive been hyper manic. I feared it would start going into mania. So tonight I lost it. I popped. I know it can happen buy it upset my family and it upset me too. I start meds on Friday. Lamotrigine. I’m hoping they will help. I’m not sure they will but it’s worth a try. So where was I?  It’s been a very weird few days the last 2-3 days. Ive upset people. Ive fallen out with people. Ive shut people out. Ive blocked people. Bonkers bonkers bonkers.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I talk too much shit. Oh yes. I did a Mensa home test on Sunday. I finished it with s few minutes to spare too.  It’ll give me some idea of what my IQ is. Last one I did when I was maybe 16 registered IQ of 136. Who knows what it’ll be this time. Probably rubbish. I’m tired. I’m so tired of things. 

Yet again I’m back to feeling superb after a day and a bit or so of feeling very mixed with a lot of anger too.  It’s good to be back here and I need to get my diet even cleaner and my sleep back on track again. I also need to keep a closer eye on myself and keep blogging away. Noting down feelings and triggers is a great way to become more aware of them.    

I am not sure that I will be accepting the offer of medication from the psychiatrist for now. I’m pretty sure I will still have the offer open for the future. For now I need to get my head back on track fully myself. I’m sure medication he,ps lots of people but I’m fearful of clouding my mind and it’s free thinking. I know I’m different and I know I’m wired differently too. I accept that. I accept that sometime I’m unwell and that I have to take time off work too. I also accept that I work too hard and too long a lot of the time.  I’m going to slowly make some changes and keep moving forwards with life and with business.    

I enjoy being me even though not everyone else likes me. Haha. That’s life. I can’t please everyone. I never will and I have to accept that too. Also I get angry at times and am going to start working out and exercising again because it really helps me control anger and aggression.  I don’t think I’ve dealt with it enough or acknowledged it fully either. I’m becoming a better version of myself all of the time. Life is good again.