well after my rant this morning I feel glad that I spoke with my wife before work and I also phoned her too. Communication can be so hard. I have tried explain what some of my mood changes are like. I asked her to remember her happiest memory or time and imagine it nicer and better. Then I asked her about her lowest point. Then I said to imagine going from one to the other in minutes or hours but maybe with a normal mood etc inbetween. I think she tries really hard to understand me and I love her for that. I’m glad we spoke and that I could try to get things through to her. 

I had drumming last night which was great. I got home and my wife and children were playing Uno which is a card game. All was ok. I ate My dinner etc. I was a little excitable for sure. My wife was drunk. It was quite early when we were getting the kids ready for bed and my wife got irritable. I had a shower and apologised to her for being lively and a bit up etc and said I would come down stairs for a while. It was maybe 8:30 pm. Just as I sat down I received an email about work and about pricing a job within the next week etc. So I replied asking some questions and then it was 9pm so I went to bed.  I decided that instead of reading one of my books I would do some research online.   I was looking up about rapid cycling and ultra rapid cycling etc and started to chat with my wife. Anyway the discussion turned to how her daughters have distanced  themselves from me and I said that its ok if they feel they need to be distanced from me. With this my wife got cross. She didn’t understand what I meant. I explained that if they struggle to understand me or how I can be then it’s ok if they want to be distant as long as they are close to her.  Part of this crossness was because when in a real bad state a few weeks ago I texted one of her daughters and I think I tried to explain how I feel at times but was also very paranoid and her daughter assumed I was attention seeking and trying to provoke something. This lead to my wife basically saying that it’s attention seeking. I tried to explain that it couldn’t  further from the truth! To hear my wife say that it’s attention seeking really pissed me off. Seriously pissed me off. I rolled over to go to sleep. How fucking dare she say that! If only she knew how many times I feel really bad and haven’t been able to tell her anything and I have just had to carry on externally as normal and go off to work while inside I’m a wreck. Sitting here writing this I’m getting angry too.  She has been drinking quite a lot lately. Ok maybe she feels she now has a lot to deal with. Im no different to who I was before apart from the fact that we do now KNOW why I am different at times and why my moods crash or go up. The only difference is having a confirmation of it all. To tell me it’s attention seeking is fucking stupid and it’s seriously pissed me off. Seriously.

I really don’t think my wife knows me at all right now and to think we were getting closer again. I personally think she needs to stop drinking. Often she says she can’t remember saying things like that but in my opinion that’s no excuse. So I think I am going to end up overthinking all day yet again. I am also going to have to think how much I actually tell my wife yet again too. Maybe it’s best I tell her fuck all. Especially if she thinks it’s just attention seeking. How fucking dare she. I have no friends to talk to other than people online and I have no family either that I can talk to and she has now made it quite clear that I certainly can’t try to talk to her daughters about it. Fuck the lot of them. They can all fuck off. Wankers. The next time they might want to borrow money they can fuck off and to think my wife can afford to buy 3-5 bottles of wine each week but I have to pay her tax…..she can fuck off too.  

I thought I was starting to come out and to level off but this has seriously fucked me off and to think that part of the reason I tipped over and went sky high was because I was trying to earn lots of money to pay for things too. Fuck it all.  Attention seeking my arse. 

I woke up this morning with anxiety or anxiety woke me more likely. I’ve. Little bit of a headache too. I’m not too sure what the anxiety is about fully but it’s mostly work based.  At times like this I wonder how much longer I can cope with working. I know working kind of keeps me going but at the same time it’s a huge part of some of the issues I face in life too.  I try to remember how much I enjoy work when I feel like this and work really is my social life.  I never socialise other than work and I think that suits me fine.  What does concern me though is if I’m not feeling fully in the right place my head wanders when I’m at work and I often wonder if I’m doing the job to my best ability. Mostly I am.

 I can’t remember if I wrote in here yesterday or not. Oh well. It is what it is.  The headache kind of blinds me a bit I guess.  

Yesterday we had lunch at my mother in laws and my father in law made a point of saying what a difference I’ve made to their family. It was very kind of him but I felt really embarrassed and very edgy about it. I personally feel like I’m a fuck up and it’s just he doesn’t know what a fuck up I am.  I feel like the world could crumble down around my ears at any time and it wouldn’t surprise me.  I guess they all just see the mask I wear.  It’s quite funny really because I have chatted privately with my sister in law who has her own mental health issues and she knows where I’m at. It’s funny because they see her a s a little bit out there or maybe ‘off her trolley’ but she’s probably as stable or maybe more stable than I am. Maybe she’s just wearing her mask really well too.  Anyway lunch wasn’t stressful for me yesterday and I’m glad I went.  It was my younger stepdaughters birthday last week so that’s why we all had lunch.  

While out for lunch a friend of mine messaged me to ask if she could call me because she thought she could be going manic. I went out to our car and called her. She was in a bit of a state but I managed to talk some sense into her and hopefully claimed her down a bit.  It was the first time she has ever messaged to ask if she can call so I was a bit concerned. I’ll check in with her later today and see how she is doing. She did message last night to thank me for listening to here and said that nobody usually listens to her.  I won’t go into detail here as to what her situation was but she was very worried and scared that she had done something and didn’t know she had.  

 I’m now drinking a big cup of tea. What a tonic tea can be.  I think I need to drink more fluids again. 

it’s Saturday night already and I have been having some thoughts. Where to start. Hmmmm. Earlier today I caught my thoughts as I was at work and they were quite dark thoughts. Thoughts or fantsaies of hurting others both psychologically and physically too. They were pretty dark and quite hard to get rid of too.

I finished work about12:30 then also looked at a small job and came home. I started reading and needed to nap. So I slept for a short while which is always good. I woke feeling a lot better and started reading again. It’s funny that I needed to sleep because I had about 10 hours last night. Anyway I needed it and it helped.   We went out to eat tonight and afterwards we went to buy some ice cream in a supermarket.  While there we bought a couple of films ‘Everest’ and ‘Lucy’ and watching Everest it reminded me of a year or two ago when I decided I would and could find a way to climb it. Obviously it hasn’t happened but I researched a hell of a lot about climbing and about climbing Everest itself. Maybe that’s also a delusion that I had in the past but I know if I had the money to pay the climbing fees and to take the time off work plus put in the training then physically and mentally I could.  Does that mean it was a delusion or just that I could if I found a way todo so? Hmmm.  

  Anyway I have just watched ‘Lucy’ and I bought it because it’s about someone accessing 100% of their minds capacity.  I loved ‘Limitless’ because it was about accessing the mind quite fully too. It’s got me thinking about my own intelligence and how I use brain training at times but also how I read a lot and can gain a certain amount of insight into countless things because I obsess and also if I’m high I can take onboard vast amounts of information.  Years ago I had a nickname that I never liked which was ‘knowledge’. It was used by others detrimentally and I guess even back then I knew things.  It’s also got me to thinking about my own mind but also the bipolar mind too.  Most see it a s a curse but I try to see it as a blessing mostly when I can.  At the minute it’s a bit of both but I am gaining full awareness over myself again at times. Fingers crossed it will continue.  I’m certainly back reading lots again about permaculture and also a bit about quantum physics too, although less about that at the minute. This has all made me realise that I have tried to increase my brains capacity for usage and I know I have tried to ‘rewire’ my brain and mind while in meditative states.

Ah that reminds me I have been able to meditate again a few times this past week which is always good.  I say it’s good because meditating makes me much more aware of the sled and the moment but also by being aware it helps calm my mind down quite a bit.  I am still also off Facebook. It really can be a brain drain and very addictive too.  I most certainly get addicted to it and a break won’t do any harm at all.  When I am on there I am still not on any bipolar or mental health groups as I know they tend to pull me in and down and often I get too caught up in others and their doings.   So I avoid those groups and I a avoiding Facebook. I just need to get back to increasing my intelligence and also my understanding of self and universe.  I must look into Jungian psychology a bit deeper again too.  Maybe I will analsie the psychiatrist while they analsie me. One can tell a lot about a person by the questions they ask.  Often a question from one person answers things for another.  Interesting.  Hmmmm.

Anyway back to rewiring my brain and increasing capacity along with more reading and meditation. I really ought to get back working out or at the least skipping and using the punch bag. Drumming is very good for my mind and my body but more physical working will help even more.   I feel I am almost back to a certain kind of level now too. 

This morning was a morning of far too much internal dialogue and internal fights.  

 A friend messaged me to see if I was ok and I kind of rambled and said not so good. She messaged back that she had almost finished one job and could chat shortly. I figured she meant message chat but she phoned instead and was a real star at telling me it’s ok to just be as I was and to try not to analsie too much.  She helped me realise I was beating myself up far too much.  I figure I need to be able to phone my wife when I’m like that and maybe have a different code word than the one she uses to tell me if I’m going off on one. Food for thought.  

I had called the psych nurse this morning and managed to chat with her this afternoon and she also put my mind at ease. I had a few questions, most of which I had forgotten, and she was really good at answering them. My next appointment will be with the psychiatrist and I can discuss more then too and ask more questions. I think what has surprised me most about having a diagnosis is I don’t feel so fake about it all now.  I always new my thinking was a it different but now I know it is and that there’s a reason why. Mostly it’s because I’m awesome. Mostly. I only wish everyone could see the world how I do when I’m on a fantastic high and hear all that I can hear too. 

It’s Thursday night and I’m not sure what’s going on. I was high last night not way way high but high enough for my wife to make a point of telling/arming me. Then I drank champagne afterwards. What a stupid/great idea that was! Anyway tonight I’m here and today has kind of been ok but I have been a bit unsure of where I’m at. Anyway tonight I feel mixed. My head is pounding and I feel a bit drunk too. I’m sober though. I wish I had of had these feelings on Monday when I saw the psychiatric nurse. I’m not sure if I’m going off on one again but I feel really worn out by all of this. If I’m going to start getting more unwell as I get older I’m not sure what I will do. Right now I think I’m going to curl up on the sofa or maybe shower quickly and go to bed. I’m not sure. I know I should shower and go to bed but I really can’t be bothered to go upstairs. And also this is my own quiet time. My kids have been hard work tonight. They’re probably just being normal but I’m fighting myself more than usual I guess.  I don’t know. I’m trying to work out if there are triggers to this and I’m going to have to really analsie it all and sort through it. I have to get through tomorrow and Saturday yet before I can unwind A little. Maybe Sunday I won’t be able to either as we are out at my mother in laws for lunch I think. I’ll see how I feel. I might be full of life by then.  Or. Aubergine I won’t. Who knows. It is what it is.  I’m tired of fighting. Can I just give in and allow it do do what it will I don’t know anymore. I’m so unsure. I’m unsure about being unsure. Or I think I a,m. Fight fight fight. I keep getting up again though. That’s good I guess. So far so good so what. Moffet. 

I was working outside all day today and it was cold but nice being outside.  I had gotten as far as I could by about 3pm and then started to leave to go to another job. My mood had been reasonably on one level most of the day but had a few blips of feeling bad. Anyway on the way to the other job I started to gets some really horrible thoughts about my life. I started to think how I’m just never really in control and how horrible I am. It got worse. Then I questioned it and felt OK for maybe 30 seconds then dark thoughts crept in again. All the way to the other job I was feeling bad and starting to get worse.  One inner voicewas telling myself I should go home and rest and sleep. Another was telling me I was being lazy and worthless and should man up and carry on. This went on briefly until I was maybe 1/4 mile from the job and turned left at a roundabout instead of right. I messaged the customer and said I will go tomorrow instead of today. I missed the next turning to go home and ended up doing a different way home. I got in about 3:30 or just after and felt really down and depressed and just went to bed. I slept for maybe 2 1/2 hours and when awake still stayed in bed longer. It was maybe the best thing I could of done and now I’m still tired but not feeling so bad. I think the stress of  yesterday had caught up with me and also I was really scared I was going into a mixed state again.  Hopefully I’ve staved it off.  If I go mixed again like I was before I’m getting help ASAP because I don’t think I could handle it again. 

It’s Monday night and I feel tired but good. Today I had my appointment and assessment.  After 70 minutes of talking and answering questions the psychiatric nurse came to the conclusion I’m bipolar. I said that I already new. She was cautious because not everybody wants to hear a diagnosis and she said if they don’t then that’s fair enough. I explained I am who I am and that’s all cool.  

  While we were talking she did say that from what I have said about the past I have done well not to of been sectioned and the only thing I can say about that is that I didn’t think I was so unwell and I didn’t realise I was in such a bad place at the time.  There’s lots I didn’t say but I guess I said enough and that’s all good. We talked about my life and I told her lots. She said normally they would offer coping strategies but I am already doing that and more. She told me I’m very intelligent and articulate and that it helped her understand where I was coming from. I told her some of the delusions I have had and have since remembered countless others. Anyway I guess today was good.   We spoke about medication and she feels I’m doing ok or certainly was up until very recently. She told me that because I’m intelligent and know lots, possibly more than her about bipolar because I can describe it well, it could be a good idea to now see the psychiatrist and discuss medication more fully and then I can make a decision. It’s possible that I might take an anti psychotic for a short period but that’s my choice and we need to think through possible side effects, but that it is a good idea to have some diazepam at home in the cupboard as an emergency back up in case I’m going mixed or manic and can nip it in the bud. I think that would be sensible. We did talk a bit about how they can be addictive though.  I talked through about my anxieties etc too  we discussed everything.

So anyway it was very positive and I’m so pleased I went.  At least there’s kind of a plan in place. I can call and ask any questions I might have now too and also have a number in case of a crisis. All good stuff. 

It’s Sunday morning aleads and this time tomorrow I’ll of had my appointment. I’m feeling much calmer than I did only a few days ago. In all honesty I had thought I would get sectioned and it scared me. I realise that it was the inllness talking to me and making me overly anxious and paranoid. Now I feel reasonably ok. I’m still a tiny bit high but levelling out a bit I think.  I’m still unsure as I’ve been her countless times before and have tripped myself up countless times by thinking I’m level and haven’t been. I still think that the last few weeks and even the last few I the while high have been the worst I’ve been for a long while or maybe ever. I say worst. I mean unwell. I can’t say the worst I’ve been really because it’s awesome having that strength, energy, determination, drive and passion for life.

 I’ve started planning work for further ahead than a day or two now. I have months and months of work ahead of me and people are usually prepared to wait for me so it’s all good stuff really.

I am now kind of looking forwards to tomorrow and talking about things with someone who can hopefully help in some way. I’m not sure what help I want or need but I guess I want to know that next time I get so far out there I have back up and support. Had I of had my appointment a week ago I would of been highly agitated and maybe too paranoid to be fully open with them. Maybe I still won’t be fully open with them but with it being a stranger I can at least feel not judged and they don’t know me personally either. Anyway it’s all just life. I just wish I had another outlet to really use the power that comes with the madness because I only use it at work in the winter. Summer time I guess it fuels my work and gardening. 

I have had a good day myself, although I had some bad news confirmed by a friend regarding his partner. I’m trying to see if I can do anything to help and am looking into things for them.

I’m a little concerned that I think I’ve been level for the last two days but I think the reality is I’ve not been level. I’ve just dropped from way way way high a tiny bit. I guess what I mean is my moods have settled at high for now.  

Anyway at least I have some focus back at work and have been arranging things again.  I had been avoiding phone messages but luckily I have very good customers. One customer was exceptionally nice.  She knows I have some issues and I explained a bit more today and that I have an appointment on Monday. As I was talking to her her husband came home. He asked what she was on about and after she got off the phone she told him. He asked her to phone back to tell me not to worry about pricing their work yet. He said that they want me to get better and the work can wait and that they want to use me as I’ve been highly recommended and how they understand mental health issues.  What lovely people. I guess by being open it has helped me.