Things are going ok.  I’m good and pretty much level. I’m trying to keep on top of circadians. My sleep is pretty settled and my dreams are pretty strange but that’s ok, although I can’t remember last nights dreams. Oh well that’s life sometimes.   I guess I feel pretty fake sitting here writing stuff down in a blog called the bipolar builder because I am level. I’m always cautious though just in case I’m fooling myself haha.

     Anyway life is good.    We are getting an allotment at the end of September so that we can grow even more food. We are trying to get off grid. It’s baby steps but we are doing it bit by bit and eventually we might well sell our house and move. That’s the plan anyway. 

I am relaxed and woke up naturally after a good sleep. I have been in deep thought lately and have been in touch with my higher self. I have realised that my life has been going in cycles. Often these are yearly cycles too, sometimes monthly and weekly, even daily at times. Modern life can take its toll on is and sometimes we need to be able to take a step back and move forwards.  Yesterday morning I felt something inside had been inspired and so I started to write. This is what I wrote.       

The rest of your life begins now. It always begins now. Now is the only time it truly is. Can there be any time other than now?
It is said that worry over the past is depression and that worry about the future is anxiety. That is very true in most cases. Right now is now. What do you feel right now? Unless you think about the future or the past then you only think about now. There is no anxiety. There is no depression.
It really is the thoughts that the mind has that leads us to wherever we head. If we concentrate on now then what happens is awareness. Full awareness. We can debate the this’s and that’s of life but that’s not the now. Still the mind. Be without thinking. Don’t analyse. Just be. Right now you are here. You are ok. Everything is ok. Don’t fear. Fear constricts your whole being. It restricts you from your full awareness. It’s amazing what freeing yourself from mental slavery really is and what it really can do. It is the simplest thing to do but yet so hard too because ego slips in and tricks you. It tricks you into thinking rather than being.
We often think that we are doing things in life to secure our futures. Futures that are based on financial security, but what about our mental and spiritual health and security. What do we do for those? Why do we fear so much? What leads to these fears and why do we react so much to these things and these stimulus? How can we free ourselves? We have to allow the moment to be open and here. To live here as much as we can. The more we live here and now the less anxiety and depression will affect us. Yes, it can still affect us, but the more we relax into the fullness of moment the less hold it has. Ego will try to rationalise us into thinking. Into thinking this or that. To trick us into old thought patterns, and thought patterns do exist and can be changed. If we become aware of a moment we free ourselves from the mental slavery of thought patterns. Thought patterns can be destructive even if we don’t think it or see it at the time, so if we can become aware and see that we can change thoughts and be open we can heal. Often there are triggers that lead to one thing and once that one thing is there the ball rolls down the hill even faster. It picks up momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill. In only a short while it doubles and then doubles again. Free yourselves of it. Be open. Be aware. Question if this is really you thinking these things. The real you. Be aware of the now and all thinking and rationalising will cease. You will feel a feeling that is beyond words. You will feel the divinity that is you. That is inside you. The divine fire and the divine spark. Free yourself if only for a brief moment. A second. A nanosecond and next time it will grow. It will become a second. Then two. Then it will just be and it won’t matter. It will be what it needs to be.
Life seems to take us by surprise. It creeps up on us when we grow up. Look at children and often you will see life lived as it should be. Lived free of the vast fears and anxieties that life, adult life, can throw at us. What do children really need? Food, a bed and somewhere to feel safe and warm. As adults that’s all we really need too but yet we complicate it into material possessions and bigger houses, warmer houses, bigger gardens and bigger fences to hide us from our neighbours and to separate us from society. It creates a self imposed segregation. The more things we have the more we feel we are doing well for ourselves but often this is at the cost of our true selves. Our true selves need nothing more than real nourishment. That nourishment is spiritual and often it’s overlooked, of course we need the same basic things as a child does too but really we don’t need more than that. We also need to feel that we belong, that we are part of something. It should be community that we should be part of, if even only a small local community or family. Family means so many things to so many people but family as a whole now is not what it used to be because of too many distractions from modern life.
So we have a choice. Do we look at the past but with modern eyes to find a way forwards or do we look to the future to find a solution? Maybe by being present in the now we can find the answers. Maybe the distractions are simply stopping the now from happening. Maybe by just being everything will be ok. Everything will balance. Life will be clearer away from the distractions. It’s like going away on a retreat to be able to be present. Sometimes we need that change of place and perspective to see that we didn’t need the change of place at all because ‘we’ or ‘I’ was always and is always there just patiently waiting to be realised.
To be present is a strange feeling. It’s what is known as ‘the zone’ in various sports or activities. Maybe we crave living on the edge because all else is forgotten about and only the moment, the now, matters and all else fades a way.
All insecurities, all fears, everything can fade away in this moment if we allow ourselves to really and truly be here. 

 I’m not sure where it will lead and even if I will edit it. I probably won’t and it is far from finished. I will continue to write more when inspired to. 

I’ve woken up a bit wired andanxiousthis morning. Actually it was that the woke me rather than waking up and noticing it myself. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year that’s causing it or if it’s just my head going off on one yet again. Who knows! I’ve been level ish for a while and had almost started to get used to it! It’s strange being level or having had a level ness for a while. Anyway back to anxiety for now. I know it will ease as the day goes on and even knowing that it still sits here churning my stomach away. I’ve noticed my ears are ringing too and at times that is a bit of a warning.  Last night I had lots of tiredness and anger but I noticed it too so was trying to be really careful about not over reacting, although I tried to go to bed at 9:30-9:45 pm but my daughter was messing around and didn’t settle until 11 pm and I still felt I needed to unwind and relax before sleeping. I w awake before 6 this morning too.    

We had a huge load of wood delivered last night and I’m really tempted to get stuck in and get it moved right now. I guess my energy levels are going up! Ah something else I noticed is my pee smelled a bit different this morning. That’s something else I’ve noticed before but kind of not taken on board as such.  Ah all these things. Who knows I might well be over reacting and noticing too much! 

I woke this morning to the dreadful feeling that is anxiety. I say I woke to it. I’m not sure if I did or if it woke me up itself. It’s horrible. This feeling of impending doom. I’m not sure why I feel it either. Who am I? What am I? And where am I supposed to be in life?  How can I even think to try to answer these questions?   I don’t know. There’s lots I don’t know. I do know we need to get off grid though. As soon as we possibly can. Buy land and get self sufficient. Fully. I need to push it. I don’t want to just jolly along in life with it being a dream. I want it to be a reality  and I know it won’t be easy at times but I’m very certain it will bring out the best in us in so many ways.  We are implementing it slowly where we are. I say slowly. These last few months have been a great learning curve.

   I guess yet again I feel like this, in part, because of customers and how they feel that they own you when you are working for them.  I would say that from looking in on it all that so many people are living in fear of so many unknown things that they don’t even see it themselves. I know I live with fears. I try to confront them. I try to understand them. Maybe that also brings out anxiety. I’m not sure. Anyway people confuse me. Or maybe I shouldn’t be taken in by them. Often they put out their best parts so that they seem nice or attractive to work for or in life but then little by little their cracks appear and they want more than they originally stated.  I just want a life that I want. Not one that others dictate I should have.    

Last night as I lay in bed about to go to sleep I had flash backs about my dada and the last week of his life. I had flashes of other times too. I have come to realise that I never fully knew my parents. I’ve also realised that it’s ok.  They never really knew me either. We form our views of people from the little we know of them and from the little time we spend with them so it’s no wonder we never fully know people. We only know our version of them. The version that we create from what we think we know and from the thoughts that we have have in our minds.  Quite often they might well be false thoughts too. Very false. Our minds a such tricksters to us.    

Anyway I know that yet again I crave seclusion and a better more wholesome life. A life ruled by living ritzy by nature and not a life of chasing money and chasing work. A life worth living. 

Its bank holiday Monday. It’s been a lazy and yet good busy weekend. On Saturday I did some things in the garden and then took my children off blackberry picking. I stewed some of our cooking apples for dessert with the blackberries. We’ve frozen some too for over the winter. There’s lots more cooking apples and blackberries to pick yet. Our cooking apples are still ripening. I’m feeling reasonably ok but had a blip in the week. I’ve been taking a magnesium supplement.  I’ve forgotten the last few days. I wonder if it’s helped me to pick my moods up a bit or if it was responsible for my blip. I know I need to start motivating myself more again. To move forwards with my life. Talking of which I’ve taken myself off a bipolar group on Facebook and have joined an off grid and smallholding group on Facebook.          

Yesterday I cleared an area in the garden that I had been doing on Saturday and I built a trellis from long branches. It’s very rustic but looks amazing and I had everything in the garden that I needed. It’s great using what you have and trying to save money and the environment. I love it. I’m loving growing our own food too. Really love it.  I’m going to cook some more fallen cooking apples shortly to eat later or to freeze. Great stuff. I spent nearly £50 on heirloom and heritage seeds the other day too so in theory I have enough seeds for life now apart from some different varieties I might want to grow because I can harvest seeds from the things I will be planting. They should be tastier varieties too which will be lovely. All is pretty good. I’m going to look to take on extra work too because I feel a good bit mentally stronger and plus the extra money will help us save towards land too.  Life is ok and I can’t complain. 

So yet again I keep forgetting to write something each day. It’s something I had promised myself to stick to. I don’t want it to be yet mother thing I forget about or stop doing. I fear that my life will be all about things started but never finished. I am however really studying permaculture very deeply. I do need to push it harder and further though. Before I know it another year will of passed and we will say ‘oh that year went quickly’. We need to push to make these things happen. Something that has been on my mind a bit lately is my wife’s drinking. She drinks maybe 5 nights per week and when she has had a drink her temper flares up. Ugh quicker and she has far less tolerance. I’ve been drinking at times too. And I’m still eating meat. I need to get my arse back in gear and stop fucking about at it all.  It might well mean getting off Facebook for a while too. Last year I had about 4 months off there and it was such a breath of brush air too! Maybe we need to both, my wife and I, set some goals and. Start seriously saving towards doing what we know we want to do. I don’t want us to keep letting it slip past and end up half doing it in old age we need to dream big and chase those dreams fully. As I write this I’m having de ja vu. Hmmm interesting. I’ve played tonight’s euro lottery hoping I will win but I can’t rely on dreaming about money to make things happen for us. Life is short and we need to just take the plunge and look into these things properly. The garden and permaculture are growing fast and expanding too. It’s the way forward with life.  We need to push it along a bit too. 

I had a mini high on Monday. I was really late going to sleep. I think I figured out the trigger too.  I felt a little similar yesterday as well.  Anyway I’ve realised yet again that because I’ve been feeling level, good and productive I’ve not been keeping up with this. Yet again is it becoming one of those things that I let slide? I think maybe most people are like this with things at times. Maybe it’s boredom and once settled we get bored. We move along to other things and forget to keep ourselves motivated. Maybe that’s why someone who is ‘successful’ at something is successful  they just have a bit better motivation and keep going at things. I don’t know  maybe I’m clutching at straws. Anyway I need to keep going with this because when I nose dive again or go high I’ll be back here running on about how shitthings are or how awesome I am. Ah yes. Almost forgot. I’m now taking chelated magnesium as a supplement. It’ll be interesting to see how it affects me and if it’s as good as I’ve read.  I’ve only been taking it for two days now and even though I sleep well I’d say it’s helped me sleep even better.  That can’t be a bad thing either.

I’m still doing lots in the garden. Still implementing lots of permaculture too. I’ve planted some over wintering veg in seed trays and also in the ground and raised beds. All is good.

it’s Sunday late afternoon. Yesterday I disapeared from level. I’m not fully sure where I ended up but anger was a part of it. I’m pretty ok now but that’s life. I’ve had a busy lazy day so far just pottering about and doing things in the garden. I’ve potted on the comfrey from the seed tray into pots. I’ve harvested some chillies. There’s loads more to come. I’ve done ‘stuff’. All good. I’ve rested too. I’ve spent time on facebook, too much lately to be honest, I’ve also researched about chillies and planting things etc. All good. I’m aware that being on Facebook more and more lately could be a signal or warning. I did go back to bed for a rest/snooze this morning too. All is all. 

It’s Thursday. All is well. I’m level. It feels a bit strange but it’s ok. I’m missing being high but certainly not the lows. I’m still not medicated.  Life is good. I’ve got plans yet again. Woohoo. 

Life. What a strange thing it is. What is it really? Why do we live? Who are we really and why are we here? Life. Hmmm.      

I’m still trying to figure all of it out for myself or about myself. I’m 40. Where has the time gone?  Whoosh. I need to start living even more than I am already. I want to get off grid asap. To stop working asap. So far my experiments are going well in regards to doing it too. We are growing plenty of food now and the longer it goes on the more grows and will grow. It’s good.