It’s Thursday and it’s been fucking stressful. I’m sick and tired of people who don’t fully explain what they want then complain after a job is finished. There’s so much shit going on in the world too and they complain about petty bollocks. It really got to me today. I felt like murdering someone, walking away and saying fuck it and or killing myself too. My head fucks me up too much sometimes and it can’t carry on like this. Petty shit boils my piss. Talking of which my piss was dark orang/yellow just now because of the stress hormones. I need to get out of the rat race. It’s such a load of bollocks too. All this money business is a pile of shit. All this profit and inflation crap is so wrong. It’s wrong for humans and it’s wrong for the planet. Mostly we all run around pretending it’s not happening but the world is getting fucked up. The environment needs to be taken care of not just fucking taxed. Taxing shit doesn’t change a thing it just makes things ‘cost’ more. We are all sitting here hoping that there will be a solution come along magically or a superhero. It’s not happening. It’s not some crazy bat shit American fake hero film. It’s real life. There’s only one way of sorting it all out. Permaculture. 

Ok so it’s Tuesday. I’ve worked my arse off today. I tried getting a job done all in one day but I’ll go back tomorroow. They can have a bill once I’m finished. Woohoo. I need to get the money in. Loads of people owe me money too. Some for far too long! I’m too kind when it comes to money. I’m going to be like concrete and harden the fuck up!  It’s all good and well being owed. It’s better not to be owed! It’s time to tighten my belt and pull my socks up. Get the money in. Superb.

Anyway life’s alright at the minute. I’m tired but all is good. Life is good. It’s better to be alive than dead that’s for sure but who knows what death brings…talking of which ive been thinking about my dad a fair bit lately. I’ve been getting flashbacks too. I’ll be driving along and then something will click or something will spark a thought then I’ll feel emotional. How well do we ever really know others? I know myself well but I honestly feel like I never really know others. I guess that’s life and it’s normal. Well fuck it it’s just how I am so hey ho. Anyway that’s where I’m at. Life’s good but tough. Money is flowing to me fast once again now too. Great. 

It’s Monday again. That means work but it also means a drumming lesson tonight. That’s good. I’m still feeling good. I guess I’m feeling level even. It’s strange. It feels like I’m kind of fake. I’m not sure if it means I feel fake now or fake when high or low. Hard to explain. Anyway it’s ok. I know I’ll go up or down again at some point. This time last year if I had of felt level Id of believed Id cured myself, but not now. I know more, much more, about myself. I know I’ll go up and down. I know I can be a nightmare to live with too. My wife is a diamond to put up with me.

Anyway life is good. I’m more cautious when making decisions now too. Only last week I took out a loan of £7500 because it meant I got a better interest rate than what I had on a previous loan that still had just over £3000 left on it. I can now pay the difference off and either lower the length or lower the payments. A year and a half ago I’d of spent it by now on something bonkers! Luckily I’ve not done that this time. If anything I’m trying to cut our outgoings right down to as little as possible. I still want to cut things even lower still. We are growing even more food. Maybe this year we might save £200-300 on food. It’s not loads but it’s all good. Next year we will save even more because we’ve learnt more. Anyway life is good for now so I’m making hay as the saying goes. If I feel shit I take it easy because I know I need to. Plus for us to get off grid will take quite a while so I’ve lots of time to experiment.

Oh I nearly forgot. I bought two chickens yesterday! We now have 5 hens. Lovely. 

Yesterday was a very busy day. Lots got done. I feel like I can’t keep up with all that I’ve got going at the minute. It’s not a bad kind of not keeping up. It’s a level kind. I struggle with writing in here everyday at the minute and I feel like it’s just another thing I’ve let go in my life. I get very involved in things with my enthusiasm and then boom it’s it’s gone. Not always gone but it hides away. I don’t know what to say about it all really. It’s like every year is a cycle of doing things in a similar way or similar pattern. I try to break that pattern and come ever more aware of it too but yet somehow it catches me out and creeps up on me. I guess at least I’m aware of it and I don’t beat myself up over it’s much anymore. The one thing I do wonder about though is how far could I take something if I didn’t get either bored of it or if I had some way of keeping it going and pushing forwards with it.  Maybe I’ll get to old age and look back and realise that all of the important things I have stuck too and it’s the fleeting things that come and go or come back again.  I know that I do try my hardest with keeping on a good level. I’ve realised I’ve not read up about adult Asperger’s syndrome yet because I scored very highly on the autism/Aspergers scale. Maybe there are answers thee too. 

Its been a good week and I’ve been on a good level apart from a cold/virus thing.  I’m coughing up a nasty phlegm. It seems like it happens most summers too. I’m not sure if it’s the summer or if it’s the fact I work even harder and longer in the summer. Maybe a bit of both. Who knows.

  I’ve been reading some more spiritual stuff and realise where I need to head in life. I need to head the way I am going and to steer clear of distractions. Most things in it are a distraction. I’ve read an article that resonates with me once again. I know more than is in the article and also what’s hidden in the article too but it’s woken me from slumber yet again.  I’m hoping it may resonate with others. I’ve shared it on my Facebook and various groups too.  http://howtoexitthematrix.com/2015/07/23/the-matrix-the-sanskrit-texts/

I must keep trying to write in here daily. It’s not happening lately. I’m so busy. Busy mentally and physically.  Something I’ve not wrote down was that on Wednesday we took our son to an appointment with a psychiatric nurse. We spoke about my mental health and she suggested I take an adult Autism/Aspergers test.  So I did. I hurried it the first time but scored well above the average cut off point. When I did it properly I scored even higher. It’s a bit shocking but it’s cool. It’s ok. It explains even more. 

all is well and yet again ive been forgetting to post much. I’m still pretty high although I did tail off mid week last week and I took time off work and slept lots.  The East did me good and helped me to lift lots again, which was lucky because we had a long weekend away from Thursday until Sunday. We went to Latitude festival and had a superb time.

    Ah it’s 11:11 am. Fantastic. Life is good. I’m being pretty productive too. All is well.

 I’ve been having strange odd dreams lately too. Lots of dreams about my dad. Lots of dreams about odd situations too. All very very strange. Hmm

Less than 7 hours sleep. Chest is tight and has a little pain. Anxiety is back yet again. Nice.  Oh how I’ve not missed being anxious. I’m so tired and so anxious this morning. My dreams were all over the place. My head was tying itself up in knots too. I’ve realised that I’m all over e place and my zest for work has gone out of the window completely, yet I know I need to earn money.  I really can’t be bothered.  I really can’t.  I don’t want to get us into debt again by not earning money either. I’m so tired of chasing money only for it to slip through my fingers like trying to hold onto handfuls of water all day.  I can’t do it.  I’ve been wearing my mask again and it’s catching up with me.  I think I’m loosing, or have lost, my grip on reality.  I’ve been very productive and wish I could hold onto it forever but I know I can’t. It’s slipping away.  It’s going under. It’s like drowning slowly in ones own emotions and ones own thoughts. Self drowning. The self drowning.  Sinking lower. Oh fuck.

I need to get to get a grip.  I really do.  There’s so much going on and I need help.  I honestly think I need help. Help. 

It’s Monday night already and I’ve had a cracking drumming lesson. I’m feeling very very wired. I had 2 double shot coffees earlier this afternoon and its raised my levels again because I was tired. I know it could cause a crash but I’m going to go to bed early tonight Because I’m tired but also because it might help to stop the tail off. Earlier I was shattered and finished work at lunch time then had a snooze. I really need my super enthusiasm back so I can crack on at work. I need to. Desperately. Anyway I’m tired and very wired. That’s life I guess.

My son is really pushing the limits tonight. He’s pushing me so far I’ve nearly snapped. He is being so rude and really winding me up. I asked my wife to get him organised for a shower. She went up there but was too wishy washy with him and he came downstairs to upset his younger sister. He’s really annoying the hell out of me tonight. 

I’m  getting terrible at writing this blog. I don’t know why I’m not making the time. I guess it’s because my mind is so busy with things that I keep forgetting. I must make more of an effort to get things down. Today I’m pretty bloody tired. I had a minor lay in. Normally i get up and do things on a Sunday and then go back to bed for a nap and rest. I didn’t do that today. Too much to do.  I’ve got goldfish now. They’re in the water butt. They’re in there to keep the gnat larvae at bay and also to fertilise the water with their poo. So double purpose. Maybe triple because they’re lovely to look at too. They’re so fast. They’re happy too. Anyway it’s all part of my permaculture ideas for our garden and home.  Talking of which the polytunnel is almost full of things now. Today we bought some small iceberg lettuce plants and I’ve planted those in there. We have some lettuce seedlings coming on ready to go in there too when big enough, they’re little gem ones. We also bought a thyme plant for in there, which I’ve planted.  We have also planted some parsley that we’ve grown and some Dill too.  It’s all looking very good. I’m now concerned about the aubergines after seeing some plants at the garden centre. I guess you could say it’s made me paranoid that mine aren’t as good as they could be. It’s silly how I can get paranoid over next to nothing. Anyway they’re a different type of aubergine and they’ve probably been forced on a bit too. Mine have been very carefully grown. I have now pinched the top outfoxed three of the sixth at are in the polytunnel to see how they grow differently from now onwards.  They’re all getting their flowers forming but they’re not getting much bigger, the flowers that is. It’ll all one right in the end I’m sure and it’s all a steep learning curve. I honestly,try didn’t think we would have so many plants growing now!!  Oh well it’s all good.  My mood has been pretty bloody good lately apart from when I’m tired but that’s ok. I just need to rest a bit more.

  Life’s good. We should be going to latitude festival next weekend but that in itself is causing me some mental stress because I’m worried about the plants, I’m worried about being tired, I’m worried about our tent, our kids, about my mood, about the cost of being there and eating there. I’m not sure if we will cook lots there or buy food there. I really don’t know. There should be about 35,000 people there too! I really hope I’m in the mood for it. 

It’s Wednesday already. Yesterday I ended up worn out and had a couple of hours deep sleep in the early afternoon. I’m back up to it again though today. Superb. I’m not writing much, which I ought to, because I’m so so busy doing stuff and projects and making stuff. I’ve realised I’m pretty warm in my body etc again. I’m pretty high but not stupidly high. It’s a beautiful fantastical level. I’m so productive and I’m learning so much so fast. It’s all awesome.  Today my son and I built a rocket stove. It only uses a few sticks to heat a big pot of water. It’s super efficient. I’m using the compost heap to do the same. I’ve got a 25lt tub half full of water buried in the compost and in only a few short hours it’s hot enough to wash up or shower in. Superb. It’s all trial stuff for bigger projects. It’s all permaculture. Superb way of life. So we can wash up with freely heated water. How cool is that?  I’m mindful of the crash that could come and ive been trying to be restful. I need to start working out again. I’m down to 13 1/2 stone. I was nearly 16 stone not so long ago. Anyway we are growing our own food so that’s good too. We had free gooseberries tonight for dessert from a friend in exchange for 3 or 4 sprouting broccoli plants. Excellent. The polytunnel is over half planted or seeded too now. All good. Life is good. It’s beautiful. My focus is excellent when I’m focused on something that I love. It’s graat. I’m aware I’m a bit out there too though but I’m making the best of my productiveness while it’s here. I could counb a mountain. Maybe I should.