I’m  getting terrible at writing this blog. I don’t know why I’m not making the time. I guess it’s because my mind is so busy with things that I keep forgetting. I must make more of an effort to get things down. Today I’m pretty bloody tired. I had a minor lay in. Normally i get up and do things on a Sunday and then go back to bed for a nap and rest. I didn’t do that today. Too much to do.  I’ve got goldfish now. They’re in the water butt. They’re in there to keep the gnat larvae at bay and also to fertilise the water with their poo. So double purpose. Maybe triple because they’re lovely to look at too. They’re so fast. They’re happy too. Anyway it’s all part of my permaculture ideas for our garden and home.  Talking of which the polytunnel is almost full of things now. Today we bought some small iceberg lettuce plants and I’ve planted those in there. We have some lettuce seedlings coming on ready to go in there too when big enough, they’re little gem ones. We also bought a thyme plant for in there, which I’ve planted.  We have also planted some parsley that we’ve grown and some Dill too.  It’s all looking very good. I’m now concerned about the aubergines after seeing some plants at the garden centre. I guess you could say it’s made me paranoid that mine aren’t as good as they could be. It’s silly how I can get paranoid over next to nothing. Anyway they’re a different type of aubergine and they’ve probably been forced on a bit too. Mine have been very carefully grown. I have now pinched the top outfoxed three of the sixth at are in the polytunnel to see how they grow differently from now onwards.  They’re all getting their flowers forming but they’re not getting much bigger, the flowers that is. It’ll all one right in the end I’m sure and it’s all a steep learning curve. I honestly,try didn’t think we would have so many plants growing now!!  Oh well it’s all good.  My mood has been pretty bloody good lately apart from when I’m tired but that’s ok. I just need to rest a bit more.

  Life’s good. We should be going to latitude festival next weekend but that in itself is causing me some mental stress because I’m worried about the plants, I’m worried about being tired, I’m worried about our tent, our kids, about my mood, about the cost of being there and eating there. I’m not sure if we will cook lots there or buy food there. I really don’t know. There should be about 35,000 people there too! I really hope I’m in the mood for it. 

It’s Wednesday already. Yesterday I ended up worn out and had a couple of hours deep sleep in the early afternoon. I’m back up to it again though today. Superb. I’m not writing much, which I ought to, because I’m so so busy doing stuff and projects and making stuff. I’ve realised I’m pretty warm in my body etc again. I’m pretty high but not stupidly high. It’s a beautiful fantastical level. I’m so productive and I’m learning so much so fast. It’s all awesome.  Today my son and I built a rocket stove. It only uses a few sticks to heat a big pot of water. It’s super efficient. I’m using the compost heap to do the same. I’ve got a 25lt tub half full of water buried in the compost and in only a few short hours it’s hot enough to wash up or shower in. Superb. It’s all trial stuff for bigger projects. It’s all permaculture. Superb way of life. So we can wash up with freely heated water. How cool is that?  I’m mindful of the crash that could come and ive been trying to be restful. I need to start working out again. I’m down to 13 1/2 stone. I was nearly 16 stone not so long ago. Anyway we are growing our own food so that’s good too. We had free gooseberries tonight for dessert from a friend in exchange for 3 or 4 sprouting broccoli plants. Excellent. The polytunnel is over half planted or seeded too now. All good. Life is good. It’s beautiful. My focus is excellent when I’m focused on something that I love. It’s graat. I’m aware I’m a bit out there too though but I’m making the best of my productiveness while it’s here. I could counb a mountain. Maybe I should. 

It’s Monday yet again and I’ve not had a day off over the weekend. In fact quite the opposite. I’ve been putting up the polytunnel in the garden. Make. Hay while the sun shines and you’re high hahahahaha.  So Saturday morning I started working at 8 am and finished at maybe 8:30-9 pm. And got so much done.  Yesterday I started in the garden before 7 am and finished the polytunnel for the night at after 10 pm.  It did rain briefly for a few hours so we went out to lunch. So I had maybe 2-3 hours off in that time. We took some garden rubbish to the recycle centre so it can be shredded and composted. It was too much for our shredder and compost heap.  Anyway we got so much done this weekend.  Fantastic.  The polytunnel is pretty much finished and that includes making raised beds and bringing in over 2 tonnes of topsoil from the neighbours garden too.  Fantbloodytastic.  Superb. I’m feeling awesome. I guess you could say I’m reasonably high….haha

it’s Wednesday or Thursday evening or night. I couldn’t care fucking less which. I’m who I am. I’m drunk. Yes so what? Judge away you haters. You fuckers. You cunts.  

  I’m high. Superb. I’m drunk too. The world can fuck right off because I’m immortal. Life is so short. We all will die. It’s not a completion toon. Competition even or whatever. Ah duck it who cares.  Life is life. Then we die. Yes. 

Welll yet again ive been slack at writing in here. I’m pretty high at the minute but not as hind as I have been the last few days. Well let’s go back a few days to Saturday night…..( sifting through the mists of time…..using warp drive to go faster than the speed of light…..back…back we go….)…..ok so Saturday night I drank a good amount of alcohol. I was doing stuff somewhere in the garden or house or something, I can’t rememeber. I’d been up until about 2 am Saturday morning and anyway I was doing stuff. Can’t remember. So it got to be after 11 so I put the boiler on to take a shower, I ended up in floods of tears in the shower, messaged my step daughters some emotional stuff blah blah blah, felt like I wanted to die, got out of the bathroom feeling a tiny bit better but then came down stairs and did something I’ve not done before or for a long while if I ever did.  I got out. Craft knife and tried to cut my arm open. It was blunt. So I shoved it in as deep as I could and pulled……a scratch….a fucking scratch.  It hardly did anything so I gave up. I thougt oh well fuck it and went to bed but couldn’t sleep so I sat on Facebook talking bollocks until about 4 am when I listened to the dawn chorus. Then I slept until nearly 7:15. Cool.     As the day went on I did a few other things that I can’t remember too much before going to my dads house and emptying the final few things out.  Dah nah all finished. All empty. Sorted. Time to move on. So Sunday nigt I drank what drink I’d not had on the Saturday night. And so ends this merry little tale or fable or whatever it is. Oh yes I’ve been flat out busy since then and got shit loads done. Sorted. 

I’m getting really shit at posting. I’ve been pretty high the last few days. Actually fuck it I’ve been very high. I’ve struggled to relax and to get to sleep. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been edgy as fuck too. Earlier this week I was low and drained then boom, I’m up. Way up. I had a brief nap this afternoon and it’s helped level me a bit but my thoughts are still racing though. I’m always doing countless things all at once. I’m superb. I’m cool. Life’s cool.   Today at work I had some very weird surreal Moments and felt like I was loosing control of my consciousness. I almost flaked out a few times too. All is good though. Life is just playing catch up. I’m a monster. A beast. I’m immortal.  

I also got lots of stuff sorted at my dads house the last few days. It’s nearly empty now. Superb. It’ll be a huge relief when all is done and dusted. There’s not too much to get shifted now. The scrap man came to clear away lots of metal today.  That was this morning. This afternoon I got a bit of a  rage so smashed some stuff up. It’s all cool though. It’ll all be alright in the end. If it’s not alright then it’s not the end. 

Its Wednesday and I have realised I’ve not written for a few days. I’ve been up and down. I’ve struggled to sleep over the weekend and then ended up completely shattered. I’m feeling worn out. We are still clearing my dads house and have to be finished by Sunday.  Almost there but just a final few things to get sorted.  I might well take some time off work to get it cleared early so we can have a weekend at home or doing our own things.  

 I cleared some garden rubbish last night and it felt like a real tonic. I burnt them as they were too big to compost and our shredder isn’t the best. There’s a lesson to be learned there, buy the best you can if its a machine or tool. We are trying to reuse things and recycle or upcycle things.  I guess things don’t always go as planned though but that’s ok. That’s life.  Lessons learned and progress made.  I hope that show the rest of my life goes now. It certainly needs to that’s for sure. I guess the important thing is I’m getting through everything. The grief is lessening now and I ddont have the anger that I had late last week. It’s time to let everything go. 

So it’s Friday night and I’m up again. It’s not so late but I’m not at all tired. I’m watching Stephen Fry’s bipolar documentary. I watched it years ago but not from the perspective of someone with bipolar. I didn’t have a clue when I watched it years ago. Anyway it’s good. So much of it is so familiar to me.

I can’t remember how much I’ve written lately but I’m doing ok ish. I had a big rage on yesterday. I’m ok today though. I’ll survive. Life’s good. I’m nuts but that’s life. My keypad looks like it’s liquid and moving but that’s just my mind. Oh well. 

Today can piss off. I can’t be bothered with it. I lost it this morning and ended up in a rage like a berserker.  I smashed a big plant pot outside and the threw the plant all over the place. I kicked the car. I tried to punch through the glass in the conservatory door but being double glazed it didn’t break. And so on.  It wasn’t pretty. My wife was the trigger. I was singing about how I wish her parents were dead and how I’d had enough of her. Grief really has got to me. It started because she assumed I was having a go at her when in fact I was inspired by a story of how a guy has started living off grid and how important every second of every day is.  She took it the wrong way. I ended up telling her I don’t want to be stuck with a big mortgage around my neck and always paying bills when we could in fact buy land and build our own house and be mortgage free. She must think off grid living is about living in a tiny shack in the arse end of nowhere. Off grid means off the grids. No electricity to pay no mortgage etc etc. There are various ways of doing it. We could have pv panels and produce our electric. Heat sink heating and solar oven.  Hot water from a solar water system and from compost/manure heaps too. Sewage as either composting toilets or even a septic tank system. Sink a bore hole or well for water. The list goes on. Heat the house or too it up with a wood burnerI’m not . So any great ideas that we could harness and use. Things we could incorporate for free. Anyway she seems to be happy plodding along in life. I’m not. I’m not a plodder. I’m driven. I need goals. From how she was talking this morning she would be happy to just plod plod plod. When we first got together she talked about living an Eco lifestyle and traveling the world. It looks like she doesn’t want to do that anymore. We have no spare cash so can’t even have a weekend away. It’s that simple. Our cash is eaten up by surviving. We don’t live we survive. Just. That’s why I want to grow our own food. It’s another part of being off grid and also it’s fun, it’s good to know what you’re eating and it’s grown locally and fresh. Simple.   I need to live not just work and die. Anyway I lost it this morning. It’s that simple. I’m in bed and it’s 2:53pm and I ought to be earning money but really can’t be arsed.  That’s me now. I’ve realised I’ve thrown my circadian rhthymn right out too. I need to get that back on track. I need to stop drinking alcohol too. I’ve been eating meat again as well. I need to get back fully to a sensible lifestyle. My wife drinks quite a bit too. Several bottles of wine per week. If she opens a bottle it is usually gone in just over an hour. 

Once again it’s that time where I question who I actually am. I’m 40 years old and I’m still not fully sure who I am but I’m starting to feel a bit better though. I’m starting to feel a bit superman again rather than a worthless piece of shit who always fucks things up. At least that is good.  So who am I? Or what am I?  I would love to be someone else for a day and to know and feel things how they do. Someone who is balanced and normal. Just to have normal thoughts, not bad, fast or warped.  That would be so strange but I would like to see what it’s like. No black dog. No superman. No blankness at times. I’ll bet it’s boring as fuck though.  

 Today the housing person comes around to tell us what we are supposed to get cleared at my dads house. That’ll be fun, I doubt. It’ll feel invasive and weird. Very weird. That house represents safety for me. I guess I have to start growing up now and start being fully responsible for my own life. I know I certainly need to get myself better or much more level because the older I get the worse things seem to get.  I need to get my money situation in life far better that’s for sure. I need to get moving with getting off grid asap too. Start producing our own electricity etc. We have started growing food on a small scale but need to take it further. It will happen. I am superman.