I’m wondering how often things change in out lives and we don’t notice. I guess every nanosecond something changes. Why do we cling onto things when the only constant IS change? Why do we resist so many things ? I want to be free, truly free. I want a free and open society. We have too much fear in life. It’s all encompassing. From set work hours, taxation, religion and it’s rules, how society tells us to love or be. I honestly think that most of society wants to be freer. Love is the only way. 

I’ve just had a good meditation and have realised that I need to re-access my life once again. I’m becoming a slave to the wage again. It always happens around this time of year. I should be enjoying the nice weather rather than working upwards of 12 hours per day. I guess it’s all about balance. I don’t want to burn out, which usually happens. 

I had some strange dreams last night. I need to ponder on them some more. 

I’m still trying to understand my own enlightenment. Maybe I need to let go completely. A friend wants me to take ayahuasca. He thinks it will help me fly further than I have. I’m unsure. I’m unsure because I know what I’m capable of and how far I can and might go. I think its time for some tweaks to my routine again. I don’t want to burn out. I need to meditate more again. I feel I’m starting to spin upwards again a bit. At least I’m noticing. I might tweak my workout a little too although I’m still progressing with it as it is and it’s working really well. I guess my life is like my workouts. I put the effort in but start thinking about tweaking things before I’ve reaped all of the benefits. 

Back to the grindstone shortly. I didn’t get in until about 7:45 last night. It’s good to be busy. Life’s good at the moment. Lots to do and lots to price. I’m feeling at my best again so I’m good. 

Monday is here again. Rearing its work head screaming out for productivity. I was a bit anxious at 5 this morning fretting mentally about fitting everything in on time. It’s always others who give me deadlines etc. I’m not to worried now and at 5 I told myself to relax because it will work out how it always does and fretting won’t change anything. I’m going to go to work with the attitude of just cracking on , but not blindly. I’ve contacted a guy I use sometimes to see if he can help out if he’s not to busy. He usually does his best to help.  He’s a good guy, so fingers crossed. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to try my best not to get anxious or stressed. It only leads to a mental muddle on my part. I need clarity. I’m back to keeping my circadian rhythms in check and that always helps. I hope the weather is dry today but not too hot. That would be perfect. 

it’s day already, although I woke up thinking it was Monday, and I’ve had a lay in until 7am. Wonderful. I’m refreshed now and happy, although hay fever had my nose blocked all night last night. Let’s get today started. I’ve had a big breakfast already too. 

yesterday went pretty well regardless of feeling anxious in the morning. I guess regardless of how I think or feel life goes on. It will do whatever it does. I know that how I react is what makes the difference to the outcome. Reaction is the trigger I guess that makes others react back in either a good or a bad way. I’m feeling pretty lever at the minute so I’m not in a bad reaction type place. I’m not saying that it won’t happen again though and I don’t know when either but I’ll keep doing my best to be level. Although I fear to feel that I’m controlling my moods let alone winning with my moods as I don’t want to trigger a crash. I’m just trying to keep level and while the sun is shining and I’m not putting stress on myself it’s easy enough. I’m balancing my work really well at the minute too which helps immensely. I guess it’s the balancing act that I find hard at times.  I’ll keep on keeping on. 

I love being me right now. I don’t want how I’m feeling to end. I know it might or probably will but that’s ok. It’s part of who I am to be this way. It’s what makes me me. I’ll deal with whatever comes along.  

I’m a little anxious about my day ahead. My plans have been thrown out a little. I guess that’s just life but I try to be very organised. It’s always others that throw things. I guess it’s because I’m reliable and get things done that people rely on me. Double edged sword. Maybe it’s time to get another employee. 

I know that any anxiety will pass when I get to work.  Other than that life’s good. I’m happy again. 

early last week my wife and I were on the verge of separating and she was looking for a house for herself and our children to live in. Last Wednesday night we started to sort things out between us very fast. It’s almost like we’ve fallen in love all over again and it took the realisation of loosing her to make me wake up and go to the loft room that she was sleeping in and tell her I wanted her back in our bedroom to sleep. There’s no tension between us now either. We’ve managed to get through so much pent up emotion really fast. So many things that were issues from the past have pretty much dissolved too. 

Its amazing to think how close we were to finishing something that is actually very beautiful again. We went to see a counsellor on Monday, which was originally booked to help us decide about breaking up of trying one last time. By the time we went we had already decided that we wouldn’t break up, far from it tbh. I’ve actually said that if we get that far down the road again then we need to remember we got through it.  Life’s very good again. 

it’s raining a little outside and all of my work is outside too but it’s ok. Everything is always ok. I’m alive again this morning so I’ve another day to live. Every day that I wake up is a bonus day. The older I get the more people I know die. It’s just a fact of life. Death is a fact of living. If there really is death. 

If it’s too wet to do much first thing I will make a couple of bills out. It’ll be good to get some money in. 

I’m glad I’m me. I love being me. I just wish I had more money…that’s life I guess. I’d rather be healthy than rich. Although both would be nice.  I’m still seeking enlightenment. I must meditate more.