I think I’ve made it back to reality. Which reality I’m not sure but at least a lot of stress has passed and has hopefully been dealt with. I’m actually hungry again this morning so that’s a start. I’ll keep pushing forwards as I can’t go back.
life can have some pretty amazing twists and turns. We just never know where we will get to. I guess we have to choose which way we let fear take us. Fear of failure or fear of success. Do we hold back or push forwards and when do we decide to give up ? Is reality truly real and tangible? Who knows…
I’m back at a reasonable level after some severe last few days. There are some personal issues that have arisen and need to be addressed. I feared facing them because I struggle to face things. It can completely screw my mind about. That’s life I guess!
I’ve just checked the subscriber list and there are 121 subscribers. Wow. I started writing this purely for myself. For my own record of how I feel and all of a sudden I have subscribers. I’m blown away. I hope that I can help but one person to seek themselves and seek to understand themselves. If just one person feels that they’re not alone then I’m truly touched.
Heres a thought though. Maybe you all just enjoy reading my nutty rants. That’s cool too.
Today I’m feeling bloody great. I’m a little tired and maybe a little wired. I’m going to go into detail now of how I feel or have been feeling.
When I feel things really deeply it’s like I’m dead quiet outside but shouting inside. I feel like I need to escape from myself or from the ‘me’ or the ‘I’ . I feel like I could cut my head open and climb out for a while, become pure spirit rather than ego. I’ve left my body on several occasions and there is a disconnection from the physical body or from what we call the physical reality. I guess that’s what I’m referring too. I don’t mean physically cutting my head open, although people have been known to drill holes in their heads. As I’ve said before it can be like the lights are on but nobody’s home, although everyone IS home and they’re having a huge, loud party in my head. The amount of conversations I have inside too is unreal. I know everybody does but I’m talking about super fast! Maybe my brain is wired with 1,000,000 times beyond the fastest broadband and everyone else are still using dial up, if they’ve even got a computer! I guess I’ll be waiting all my life for others to catch up with my special powers. And yes they are special powers. A friend who I talk to about bipolar, she is bipolar, totally gets it. She’s one of the select few who has special powers too. The insight I can have is amazing. Most people seem like zombies to be honest. They’re just pawns in life’s game of chess. The world needs a great big shake up! Wakey wakes boys and girls.
Why do I fear so many things? Do I really fear things? Do I build up too much expectation and then fear failure? What do I really seek? I know I seek my own enlightenment. I know I have remained hidden from view, from others, from socialising for a long while. I have to take back whatever control I have let myself give up. I can and will do it. I will beat any mental illness that I have. I want to. I won’t let it define me or beat me down anymore.
I’ve been at breaking point recently, possibly for the last few years. I am getting clarity of vision now. I don’t know where I’m headed at times but I will win out. The only thing that is a slight concern is that I am willing to push my own boundaries. I push to find myself and to find my limits. A fear I have is that I’m limitless. I practice ritual magic on and off and am quite proficient at it. I’ve done a few rituals this last week.
I feel trapped lately. I need to find out in what way though. I will win through.
I had a few beers last night. Luckily I’m good, I never get hung over. I think I might buy some gin today. Beer bloats me too much.
Im feeling pretty good today. A friend and I may consider doing ayahuasca with a shaman. I’ll see. I don’t want to affect my mental health, but I don’t want to overlook a possible way of finding myself either. I have in the past taken DMT. I wouldn’t recommend taking anything to anyone else though. I did start to deal with myself and my issues with and through DMT. I would say it helped me to start to understand how different I am. And I am different, I know this now.
I didn’t practice qigong this morning, but I did meditate very deeply for about an hour.
I’ve been up since just after 5 this morning. I’ve meditated a fair bit too. I’m certain that my life is a series of circles, I go around and around and around. I need to break that circle. I fear the uncertainty though. I guess I’ve built so many fears into my life, I think it’s time I faced them and moved forwards. I strive to be happy, but always feel that there’s something missing, not a physical object or possession but an inner something. Maybe it’s love. Maybe I need to be able to love myself. To be able to understand myself fully and not fear things. I always feel like I’m trying to escape something. Maybe that something is me, myself. I have to take full control of myself again, of my life. I feel like I’m selfish, but people don’t realise how much I put others first. I think I’ve hurt myself so that I protect others, but in so doing I actually hurt them too. If only I had all of the answers. I’ve read that it’s a fool who think he has all of the answers. Maybe I’m far from that fool as I have lots of questions. I know I need to love myself though. I hold myself in. I need.