I’ve had a day of feeling pretty tired. Early night tonight I hope.   I’m not sure why I’m so tired but maybe I need to catch up on some extra sleep. Other than feeling tired I feel pretty good. I’m pretty pleased with my progress. This morning I meditated for over 15 minutes which was great. I’ve not meditated so well for a while. 

It’s funny how some tiredness can be good and some can seem bad, that’s life I guess. I think my body is growing and recovering from my workouts.

Last night I went to bed a little earlier to catch up on some rest only to wake up a little earlier. I guess my body has got into an exact rhythm of how much sleep it needs. I’m not anxious this morning either which is fantastic. 

Things are looking good for the week ahead. Business is good too. Lots of things to do. I’m starting to make some plans again. Nothing too ambitious this time, well so far …. 

I had a short time yesterday where my wife said I was extremely grumpy and short tempered. I’m glad she asked if I was feeling OK after I’d relaxed a little because she felt she couldn’t mention it at the time. Luckily it didn’t go on for hours and hours or days. She’s understanding and she notices things pretty quickly too. I’m lucky.

I’ve had strange dreams again last night. I wonder what has triggered these dreams? Is it a change in my body from working out?  The dreams last night weren’t violent, just very strange. They involved growing and life. How can dreams affect our day to day life?  I believe and understand that dreams are our body’s way of working through mental and physical things on a subconscious level. When one can start to understand oneself better in waking life, then the dream world starts to make more sense. Problems can be dealt with or other things. Sleep is a time, like conscious rest, where our body’s repair themselves physically, so I’m pretty certain it also works for emotional or psychological things too like worry.  Situations are played out in dreams where we try to deal with those things. If we are stressed sometimes our dreams reflect this very deeply. That’s why I wonder if my dreams lately are related to my working out again because of the physical stress placed upon my body through high intensity workouts. I’ve noticed that I’m growing already even though I’ve only worked out for two weeks. My skin is itchy too. Maybe that’s a physical reaction to my body growing and also too the physical stress placed upon it.

I dream very very quickly after falling asleep. Sometimes I’m dreaming in less than five minutes. I know this because I’ve woken suddenly from a dream and my wife is still awake reading or trying to go to sleep.  I’m keeping pretty strict circadian rhythms too, which might help trigger interesting dreams. Lots to ponder on.

I’m feeling level again and feeling good within myself. Yesterday I had a bad headache. I didn’t realise how bad I felt  until this morning because I feel much better now. I put some of that down to stress and some down to physical exercising. Mainly stress from doing things that I’d put off for too long.

 I bought a book about Cyclothymia and read it a while ago, I’m hoping my wife reads it soon as I’ve lent it to her. I’m hoping she might understand more then. It’s not that I want anything from her except  her to know what it’s like and the signs and warnings. I guess now I’m on a level she maybe feels its less important.  Maybe I should find someone to talk to about it. 

Ive decided to have more than one day off training, I’ve been doing one on one off, to give my body extra recovery time and time to grow. I’m glad I’m older now as I understand my mind and body so much better. I hope to learn and grow even more.

I still question reality often too. I had quite a profound moment yesterday whilst in meditation. How do we define reality? What parameters do we use? How do we gauge these things? Am I the only ‘real’ being in an unreal world? What happens when the  body dies?  Lots of questions! Where for the answers lay?

I had a phone call from our local wellbeing centre today. It went pretty well. The therapist told me I’m doing all of the right things like keeping regular circadian rhythms and sleep patterns etc. he said I’m doing well by exercising and meditating and using mindfulness techniques. He’s suggested I go along to a few meetings on dealing with stress too. 

I’ve managed to do a few things which I’d put off doing over the last few months, one of which was from12 months ago.  I do have a headache now from lots of thinking etc and from dealing with things, but I’ll live.  Maybe I need to meditate a bit more again, get some mental focus and clarity back again too. Before I had such a tight schedule on the doing of things I thought that I would find it very dull and boring, but to be honest I’m enjoying the clarity that its brought so far. I’m missing the extreme highs but that’s ok, it’s worth it. Fingers crossed things continue going pretty well now.

I’ve just meditated and now I have clarity on a few things. Firstly, I need to let go of things much more readily. Secondly, I need to give myself more time to do things before I look for problems to solve. Thirdly, mostly there are no problems until I over think and create them. 

I need to let go and relax. I need to let go and realise that it’s all just life and part thereof. Having realised this most of the anxiety has gone. I’m stronger than I realise, I’m a better person than I realise. I try to have integrity and logic. 

I’m feeling a little mild anxiety this morning. Last night I struggled to relax. I’m not sure if it showed or not. Normally I can unwind quite easily, but last night I had a few things rolling around in my mind. At times I feel like a child who needs someone to make some decisions for them. I think part of my anxiety is because I called my business banking people to switch accounts to trade as a limited company, which was very easy, but it’s taken me a year to get around to making that call. I had so many false panicked reasons in my mind stopping me from doing it, all of which were unfounded and false. Anyway it’s done now, but it has stressed me a little. I guess it’s because it was seen as something completely out of my control. Normally I handle things ok. Normally I’m in full control though, although at times I do like giving up that control. It’s a burden too at times. I guess I fear too many things and then my mind spirals with them, speeding up, playing out various scenarios and working out how to deal with the fake scenarios. It’s not easy. 

I’m hoping to get a job finished today so I can bill the customer. I guess I’m a little anxious about the weather today too. It won’t matter to the customer if the job isn’t finished. It only matters to me and that’s only because I let it matter! I feel crazy sometimes…

I’m on a level again. A reasonably good level. I’m not stressed and I’m pretty relaxed, although I’m never fully relaxed unless I’m off work for a week. That’s quite interesting to note actually isn’t it? When not at work stress levels decrease. How many of us find work, and life in general I guess, stressful?  Why don’t we all learn to relax more at work? Maybe work levels would be better, maybe we could be more productive too! So I guess I now need to work on being much more happier at work, I really enjoy my work as it is, and not feel any stress. Time to take another step up at work then, but a more relaxed one. 

A friend posted a link on Facebook last night of a picture taken from the Hubble space telescope of hundreds of galaxies taken over a 14 hour period using infrared as well as normal light. Stunning. Mind boggling. It certainly put things into perspective for me. Maybe that’s something else I can do, I can keep a better perspective on life. Maybe there’s a good lesson there. I used to look at the heavens before going to sleep to put things in perspective and to feel grateful each day upon waking. I think it’s time to start again.

I’ve woken up pretty anxious this morning. My head is telling me how it’s all a struggle and how I can’t see the end of it. I know it will pass, bit right now I’m struggling. Money worries have crept in again. I know I’m constantly owed money, so I don’t know why I fret about it, but I do when I’m like this. You’d think I would be able to relax because I know it will pass, but I can’t.  As I was logging in to write this I had some slight anger too. Anger at myself and my mind. I thought I’d caught myself before dropping off, but maybe not. I need to let it go. I was going to swear and say f**k it I’ve had enough etcetera, but I honestly believe that would just be feeding it, so I won’t. Maybe I should as that will release it and if I don’t it’ll build up. Maybe I’m over thinking it again. Maybe I’m trying to be the strong one again. 

I need to get a grip and relax. It will be ok. In a month, a week or a day it might not matter. It might not in an hour either. 

That’s life I guess. My life.

I’ve realised I’ve not mentioned a few things lately. Firstly my exercising has progressed from skipping and freeform strength training to bodybuilding which I gave up about 12+ years ago. I’m really enjoying the feeling of working my body with weights and the strength gains. It’s pretty tiring but in a very good way and I’d say its helped to level my moods, just as skipping did too. I’m also keeping a little stricter to my eating too which is helping massively too as I don’t get too much of an energy drop off. I’m certainly starting to feel that keeping rhythms is doing wonders for me and its not as boring as I thought it might be. I’m actually enjoying not yoyoing much at all. I’m missing the highs and the superhuman feelings, but not that much really because I know I crash quickly and struggle with my paranoid thinking. I’ve had maybe 2-3 moments today where I thought I was loosing control but managed to notice just before dropping right off. I’m feeling quite good about that and am pretty aware of it now.