Sunday 9th March

I am actually feeling pretty normal, quite human. I am actually very present and lucid in myself.  I feel like I have some good energy returning and I can use that good energy to good effect right now in my life.

I did`nt go to sleep until almost 1 am but still got up before 7 am this morning. I have had lots of energy lately and have been using some of it up skipping and on the punchbag to release it a little.

I have just been outside practicing some Qigong and had a few things become clearer to me.   I have realised that I am still dealing with emotions from when my Mum died 6 years ago. In fact I would say that I am still dealing with emotions from when I was 6 and she left my dad and myself. They say that time heals all wounds, but thats not fully true in my opinion. I would say time helps to subdue those feelings and can help others think that you are OK when in fact you still have to deal with those things from time to time. Sometimes on a daily basis for a while until they sink back down.

I find that when I can clear my mind and focus a little it helps to bring other things back into clarity and that helps for a while.  I am trying to be able to partially control how my moods can swing.  They can swing several times on a daily basis, I have Cyclothymia, and I have found that through meditating lots,  doing Qigong and trying very hard to live mindfully I can sometimes realise when I am either being very moody or very high/hyper, not always but at times.

Lets see what today brings forth.

Why do people try to hack websites? What is there to gain by it?  Someone tried hacking into here earlier. Why?  Do my ramblings need hacking, are they so different?

Today has been a low ish day.  Yesterday I thought I would take some St Johns Wort which I made myself using Spagyrics.  Afterwards I read how it’s not advisable to do so at all.  I got up as usual this morning but without much get up and go. I had to force myself to do some Qigong and meditation, I wasn’t very present at all, I would say I’m only now geeky reasonably present and its 7:27pm here.

each day is a different day and each day is a new day.  Onwards and upwards I guess. There’s certainly no going back.

I feel like every time I go forwards a little a big hill gets in the way. Is it really worth the effort to keep pushing forwards? Is there another way to go about it all?  Why does it always have to be such a drain?

I`ve been on the go all day going fast trying to get lots of things done. I think I felt a little high today too. I skipped twice this morning and then again a short while ago after getting home from work.  I felt that I had a little energy that I needed to use up to be able to settle down. I feel a little tired now but I`ve still got lots of get up and go!

What will tomorrow bring?  I guess I will need to wait and see how my energy levels are. I certainly feel like I`m on the rise again…

I also feel much more myself than I have for quite a while. I don`t think I had realised how low I had felt until I have started coming out of it. I know my thoughts were still going a thousand miles per hour even though I felt low. I also felt really really negative too, maybe more than I dare to type here just yet. Maybe another time when I feel really good I will not be afraid to share how low my thinking can get and my thoughts too.

Life is very rich and beautiful in so many ways but yet so hard in others. I find I am always trying to get a balance, but never quite getting there.  In the past my family would be a priority but work would suffer or vice versa, never a balance, ever. Maybe I will never get there and that is something I will just have to face and live with.

I have known for a long while that my thinking is different but until really recently I had not realised how different. I assumed everyone had the same way of thinking and the same kind of thoughts!

I woke up about 5:30 again this morning. I feel like now we are heading into spring my body is coming fully alive again. I think I may be very in tune with the cycles of the seasons as well as everything else.   I know that I can get a little manic anytime of the year.   I have just done 2 skipping sessions and Qigong and meditation to help settle all the energy that I have flowing now, otherwise I think I might go a little potty.

I am still yet to start a diary of my day to day life as I can`t decide if I need a proper diary or if just an A4 note pad will do, too indecisive! I guess it will happen when it happens.

I am again  feeling pretty present this morning, much like yesterday, although yesterday my day tailed right off.  I am having some minor memory loss but I think it is coming back a bit again. I usually have an excellent memory.

Who knows where we are headed in life.

I woke up this morning at 5:30am and just lay there until I got up at 6:10.  I checked emails, then went outside and did some Qigong and meditation even though it is a little frosty.

I`m feeling good. Very good. In fact I`m feeling very productive today and am rearing to go and crack on with the day ahead.  I do have a slight reservation though. I know that if something goes a little wrong I could either crash or I can pass it off quickly and move forwards. Both worry me slightly because if I crash from it I will feel setback, but if I pass it off I know I will feel much better and more confident and that my confidence and my ego too will inflate and could take me higher. I think I will try to keep the confidence going and the energy flowing because I need to get through some serious amounts of work to get money in.  I feel that I`m a little more in control now I don`t drink coffee or eat anything sugary as they would send me higher than a rocket and I used to use them as a crutch to elevate my work levels. Hopefully now when I get tired I know I`m getting tired and start to back off a little.  Little steps.  I want to do some punchbag work and skipping when I get home later so I can burn any excess energy off.

I’ve not written since Friday.

Yesterday it took until 1:06pm until I realised I actually felt quite present. The morning head spent with racing thoughts, at times quite aggressive thoughts, thoughts of feeling down and feeling a little like a victim too.

I’ve realised that when I am very present I feel how I imagine most people feel most of the time, human.  When I’m feeling good I feel superhuman, when I’m feeling down I feel like the scum of the earth and worthless. I liken this to high ritual magic and the seeking of conversation with ones holy guardian angel.

what is it to feel human or for that matter to be human?

I’be been a vegetarian for over 8 months, almost vegan, coffee free and alcohol free for that long too. I think that has helped me start to come to terms with how my mind is slightly different.  I feel like I have more control now too, to a degree.  Meditation and Qigong have helped hugely.  I’ve meditated for years and years now. The more I meditate the more I start to understand myself.  I seek enlightenment in this life too.  Maybe by understanding myself much more I get much closer to it.

life never ceases to amaze me in both respects.

It’s 6:50am here and I went to sleep later than usual last night and have been up over an hour already. I’m feeling anxious about the day ahead. I’m very aware of the need to earn money and especially the need to organise a van very soon. I s chatted through with my wife and have decided not to hurry into a decision about fixing my van or buying a new one either. Usually when I rush a decision it can backfire in some ways, it hurts when it happens too, so much so it can feel like the world is ending and I then put even more pressure upon myself which speeds the drop off even more.  It’s all a waiting game.

I consider myself a lucky person most of the time and things have a way of coming along exactly when needed. Sometimes I just push too much and can screw with that a bit.  This time I need to let nature take its course and bring the right thing to me.  It’s not easy though.

I usually like to be fully in control. I guess it’s one of my coping methods. I usually feel like I have to be the strong person and that can really take its mental toll.  The few times when I have surrendered to letting others be fully in charge has brought about relief and nice new experiences in the end,  but it’s very hard to allow that to happen. Sometimes it can be hard because I can get paranoid about how things will pan out, but as Bill Hicks said ‘Life is just a ride’   www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

I have a saying, `nothing is real, everything is possible`

When I first started my own business things were pretty good but the longer I have been in business the more it would seem that people take longer to pay their bills. I always seem to be owed several thousand pounds.  I do make sure that I have terms and conditions on my invoices stating that I own all materials until the invoice is paid in full. I have even heard of tradesmen going and removing things that they have fitted because a bill hasn`t been paid.

I have realised that people now expect even more for their money and think that they can take longer to pay too. Hopefully things will change soon!

I have learned never to be afraid to phone people and ask about where the payment is. If they owe you it then you shouldn`t be worried about asking for it. I have certainly had to harden up over the years.  Some people ask how much they owe as you are finishing and others seem to want to wait until you have to ask for payment. Sometimes I feel like going around there and taking out what is mine. I guess there is a fine line between what is considered reasonable and what is considered threatening.

I’m feeling much better than I did earlier. I’m still without a van, which is affecting my work a lot.  I’m not sure if I should buy another van or lease hire one instead. I can’t make a snap decision like I normally would as they usually backfire on me.

Sometimes I wish the world was much easier on everyone, that everyone actually could get on and help each other out.  Instead it’s all about profit. Why do we care so much about costs and profits rather than if fellow man is ok?  Why do we hoard so many ‘things’ ? Does it make us better people? Possessions don’t make you a good or a bad person. Being human does. Why can’t we all just be nice ?

i guess the world is just imperfect and won’t change in a hurry.