It’s Monday again already. I’ve not written for a few days. I can’t remember when I last did. Is this yet another thing I’m forgetting to do? I hope not.
I’m anxious this morning. I don’t know why because there’s no need to be. Maybe I’m building false pressures on myself. I often do. I know what I need to do today and it’s straightforwards too plus the weather is going to be nice. Yet I feel anxious.
I had some strange dreams last night. I dreamt that my wife and I had separated and I couldn’t get in touch with her. I went to a pub in the village I used to live too. I also met up with 2 old friends who I don’t see anymore and they tried getting me involved in something I wanted no part in. I’m sure this all lead to the anxiety or certainly is part of it. My life seems to revolve around fears. It never used to. Just when I think that I’m on a good level anxiety and fears creep in. I feel tearful for no reason. I fear I’m going high. I like being high but at the same time being level forever doesn’t sound so bad. I read about a Chinese man who lived to be 256 years old. He was congratulated by the government and they knew when he was born. He lived a simplistic life of Qi Gong, wandering the local mountains and a diet of herbs etc. I wish I could live a life like that. I over complicate my own at times and now avoid so many things so as to try to keep some control. Control that I can’t always have. I have learnt however to let others take over at times and when I can or do I find, mostly, that I am relaxed. Yet I struggle with it because of paranoia, paranoia that they’re trying to take over me and who I am etc. I’m not sure I’m able to put it down in words as well as I could. At least I’m trying I guess. Through trying I guess I am helping to see it and understand it. I don’t know. Others tell me I cope so well and that I do well, yet at times I feel like Atlas carrying the world on my shoulders. I feel like I’m so very weak and that I could break at any minute. Maybe I’m already broken.
So many things influence me now that really shouldn’t. I’ve remembered that I watched a documentry about WW2 and the human experiments of Unit 723 or whatever it was called last night. I think that’s affected me too! Where does it end. I guess I should be so so aware of not watching these things but then that would mean I am denying some understanding of what humans have done.
I don’t know anymore. I am that I am.
