It’s Friday morning already and the first week back at work is almost over. It’s been a blur. It still is a blur. It wasn’t until last night when I emailed a friend that I realised I am living hour by hour and day by day. Sitting here now is quite shocking. Shocking because I nearly wasn’t. Shocking because I have got to realise. I’m living hour by hour and day by day. I feel like I have a big stick and am pushing things so that they are just out of reach. I’m not explaining it that well I guess because I haven’t goalie what mean exactly but I kind of mean any decisions about anything. I’m mentally doing the same with work too. The inner voices are there at times but not at others. My thinking isn’t always clear and rational.
Last night I slept for an hour and a half when I got in from work and slept solidly too. The only issue with that was it meant I didn’t go toned until midnight but I really needed the sleep. It’s so tricky and such a mind fuck. I’m trying to get mycircadians back on track but if I hadn’t had the short sleep after work I could of ended up shattered or wired. I’m not sure what is the right thing to do. Anyway I had a bath last night, well I think I did, and while in there I had a moment of absolute clarity. A moment of being fully present and it was bliss for that instance.
Lately I have been full space cadet. I guess I am living with a lack of full control at the minute and I guess that fucks me over but I have no other choice than to ride it out or to die. Last night I did contemplate going up the garden but it didn’t last for long even though it cropped up a few times. They were only fleeting thoughts though. Anyway day by day or hour by hour has to be ok for now.
