I’m up already and have been since 5:30, it’s now 6:10. I’ve realised that I feel punished in my life in too many ways. It’s hard to explain or understand too because I don’t like people who act like victims. I prefer to try to face issues in life. However I do constantly feel punished. I’m not sure I know how to handle it or control those feelings, especially when I feel certain that others knowingly do it to me. I feel that I’m pushed and that others want a reaction from me. I know I’m feeling a little paranoid too, but I also feel like I know what the future holds and will bring. I’m not normally a fatalist either, but I feel that there’s a situation that’s coming by another’s subconscious choice.
Paranoia. Is it paranoia or is it knowing? I’m not sure. I certainly try to deal with my issues and its a daily struggle. It leaves me feeling like others don’t deal with theirs and just plod along. Why do people plod along? Trudging along at half pace? Why not go headlong into things and just deal with what comes?
I don’t like passive aggressive behaviour from others either. It leaves me wondering what’s going on. I’m sure that people use passive aggression because that’s how it leaves others and its a form of control. It leaves me feeling pushed aside and disrespected and not knowing where I stand and paranoid too, so I guess it is a way others punish those around them.
I guess I’m tired of it all. All of the coldness. Tired of being pushed and pulled. Tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of constantly feeling like I have to suppress myself and suppress my sexuality. Tired of all of it. Tired of constantly feeling things are down to me. Fuck it all is what I say. Fuck it.
Its 6:40 now and I’ve struggled to do Qigong because my mind is racing with anger and frustration.
I’m tired of being pushed aside and living sexually frustrated. I’m at boiling point and don’t think I can cope anymore. What does it mean when there’s no sex in a relationship? Does it mean the other partner won’t deal with issues or does it mean that they care very little about you? Does it mean they want out because it feels like it. It feels like they don’t want you and don’t want you leaving either. What does it mean when you both attend therapy sessions to deal with it but the other partner backs out of it and stops with the suggestion? Fuck it all, is it worth living in pain constantly?
