I’m feeling pretty paranoid. I think I’ve not been writing exactly how I feel on this blog over the last few days, which I should be doing, otherwise there’s no point writing it. I’m paranoid that my wife is pushing me away, which I’ve felt for a very long time now. I feel like she’s engineered my life slowly so that I have nobody to confide in anymore. I don’t see any friends. I don’t talk to my family either. I stopped talking to my dad almost a year ago. My mum died 6 years ago and she was one person who I used to talk to. I feel like my wife is pushing me a long way, that she wants rid of me one way or another. I feel like our relationship is very cold. I struggle to understand her moods. I try to talk to her but I feel that she uses her moodiness to push that away too. I’ve felt in the past that she needs help and that she’s making it all out to be me by twisting things. I feel like she talks about me behind my back too. I right now I’m pretty sure she would be more than happy out of our relationship too. I know that I’m pretty well insured and that she wouldn’t have a mortgage if I weren’t around. I know I’m not going to do anything stupid Though.
We had a day out on Saturday which was very very loosely arranged and I tried to flow with it but I really struggled. I hated the looseness of its detailing. I feel like that’s also thrown me. I know I should be freer to go with the flow but over the weekend I couldn’t. It’s funny how we try to understand others but in reality we don’t. I can’t stand the coldness much longer. It’s killing me inside. Maybe that’s the idea, the plan. Maybe I should say fuck it and start making my own decisions fully. I think I’m constantly pressured. I try to please everyone else far too much in life. I’m sure my wife is pissed off that I’m working out again. It happens with everything I start doing anything that’s just for me. Without exercise I loose more control. It balances me. Maybe she doesn’t want me feeling balanced. I don’t know what she wants anymore.
I really can’t be arsed with other people’s stuff anymore. Fuck em.
