Life is so very crazy. Sometimes I think I’ve got myself worked out fully and another time I’m completely lost. Yesterday morning my wife apologised to me for not realising that when I’m not coping I’m REALLY not coping. I hide things too easily from everyone. I hide myself so deeply that nobody sees me, not even me, I don’t see myself. Am I really suffering from a mental illness? Is it an illness or is it just purer clarity than most ever get in their lives? Is it because my path is leading towards enlightenment that things are harder at times? I’ve read that enlightenment is only ever just around the corner of no thing or no thinking. I’ve reached no thinking a few times and for quite some minutes each time too. Maybe I hold on to too much and that’s why I can’t let go fully yet , because of not letting go I can’t be enlightened yet. Maybe I’m nearly there. I’m tired. Tired of hiding myself. Tired of trying to please others. Tired of being a being who is trying to be. Tired of action and inaction. Tired of lots of things but too scared to let go. I often wonder if I’m right or wrong with my thinking and my thoughts, of I’m loosing or gaining my mind. Often I feel both. Maybe I need to let go and loose my mind to gain myself fully. What am I scared of? And what has made me scared? Why? What is there to be scared of? Pain? Suffering ? Or maybe freedom? I don’t know. What is the future and where is the future? The past isn’t here. I think I am learning some lessons of the past still, even now I am still remembering things. Has my past been how I remember it? I’ve remembered something from when I was maybe 6 or 7 and have realised my thinking was different back then too. Is it just my makeup or is it conditioning? I really don’t know. Often I wish I could be someone else just to see how they think or feel because often I don’t feel anything much. Is that how others feel or is it just me? Sometimes I feel too much. I don’t know. I’m tired. Maybe I’ll sleep soon. Where and when am I? Who am I? What do I need to do in this life? Does it all matter? Autumn is creeping up on me. Just be I guess. No thinking and no thoughts.
