My head has been fuzzy lately and I seem to be struggling with my memory which is unusual. I’ve also been struggling with staying at work. Yesterday morning I nearly came home at 10am because I felt odd and my head was pounding. I don’t know why. I had a headache on Monday as well. My thinking is really muddled and my concentration seems shot most of the time. I struggled to do a simple sum earlier this week. I was completely vague which is very unlike me. I’m feeling like my brain has had overload. It’s strange. I can’t explain it fully. I’m writing this for me but who am I or what am I writing for ? I know I’m trying to keep a log of things but I don’t read back through anymore. I seem to of got addicted to a forum and I need, for my own sake, to take a huge step back. I’m fearful that being on there isn’t helping me with my mind. I always seem to get addicted to things. I can see cycles of my behaviour over weeks, months and years but every time I think I’ve broken the pattern I seem to find myself back in it! Is this all just a huge game? Am I just a character in a computer game and I only have set parameters that I can work within? It is starting to feel that way. I’m getting really tired of the mental pain and I’m struggling to see a way out. I’m tired of feeling this way, tired of these feelings, if you can call them feelings. I need balance in my life but I seem to fuck up any balance I have when I feel balanced. Oh and I just swore then. I do swear. Often. Why haven’t I sworn before? I’m writing this for me so fuck it. I’ll swear if I feel I need to. I know it doesn’t help in articulating how I feel but sometimes it helps to say fuck it. I even bought a book called ‘fuck it’ about a relaxed way of spirituality. Maybe I need to contact them or read it again. I hope I don’t offer them advice. I’ve contacted NASA before to point them in the right direction with interstellar space travel but they didn’t respond. I guess they thought I was a nutter. Maybe they’ve just missed out on learning some stuff. Their loss. I even contacted David Icke once to try pointing him in the right direction, away from his negative views. People should listen to me. I’m not as nutty as they think. Maybe I’m almost a genius at times. I don’t know.
