I’m feeling very short on patience since my tricky Friday afternoon/evening. I’m not sure if I wrote about how I was after I got home from work on Friday and before my wife said my code word for mood change. Well it’s taken until now to see it all a bit clearer. A couple of weeks ago I bought a garden machete, partly for chopping plants back here but also for clearing areas at work. Anyway Friday night after work I found myself in my garden with said machete hacking away at things , mostly plants that needed cutting back or had died off but it was the fact I felt at the time a need to release those pent up feelings that has surprised me. I’ve had nigh on three weeks of feeling totally normal and this shift came out of nowhere and completely devoured me. I couldn’t snap out of it or control it or even exercise it off because I simply didn’t see it. Three weeks of full normality , maybe I’m being delusional?, and I just thought I was acting normally. Anyway I guess I’m going to have to be even more aware that I can’t always see triggers. Maybe in hindsight there’ve been a few small ones but I’d not seen them until afterwards.
Well here I am now, once again sensing that my mood has been different again since Friday and maybe hasn’t been back to normal yet. I’m high more than low and I think my mood is elevated once again. Work is going up a gear. I’ve realised that I did about 9 hours work on Friday, nothing too bad there except I did it in about 4-5 hours of real time. I’m back in bed now trying to relax myself because I’ve been tense all weekend apart from when I’ve been doing my ritual magic or meditating. Right now the thought of being a hermit is speaking in so many ways. I’d be away from others, I’d not influence those others with my mood swings and I could practice mindfulness, meditation and magic all of the time which is something I would gladly dedicate myself too.
I guess I will finally get to where I’m headed in life. I thought for the last two weeks that I was winning my war with my mind but right now I’m not so sure. Once again I’m struggling to focus on things like reading unless I’ve just done a ritual and or meditated. Often when fully high I can’t even meditate. My memory has been a bit shit these last couple of days too. I had posted a couple of comments on a forum I’m on a short while ago and when I logged back in I couldn’t remember the comments I’d made.
Oh dear.
