My concentration levels in my rituals seem to of dropped. I’ll keep an eye on my mind at work too. Maybe I’m less present these last few days than I have been of late. My mind isn’t racing too much though. I’m not fully sure where I’m at. I know I’m tired though. That affects me. I’ll see how it all goes.
Last night in my ritual I saw the nature of mind. I am not my normal conscious mind. I am something behind and above that. Waking Mind chatters away all day telling us we are right about this or that or that we are wrong and worthless and horrible. My waking mind tricks me. It punishes me sometimes too. It can make me jealous and can make me feel paranoid and worthless. It can take me back through my life analysing the minutest details of things I’ve forgotten or thought I’d let go. The true nature of mind sits beyond and above all of this like a parent watching it’s child grow, watching the mistakes, the joy, the sorrow, the pleasure and the pain, waiting for the child to reach full growth and full awakening into adulthood.
It’s very possibly because of my rituals that these things are opening up again and that I’m feeling like my concentration is going or that I’m overly analysing things in my waking state. Through the ritual works deep psychoanalysis happens. Deeper understanding of oneself opens up. It’s a dangerous path though. Not one for most people. It can seriously play on ones mind much like meditation can too. It can heal things too though on a much deeper level. It’s my opinion that it reaches much deeper personal levels than modern psychoanalysis does. Much much deeper. It’s a very lonely or personal journey too. It can heal one though. I certainly feel that I’m making headway into myself. I know that being much more aware of my internal mental state these last few months has also helped immensely. It’s started to open the internal me or ‘I’ up ready for this. I certainly don’t feel like it’s making me loose my mind, which I was feeling not so long ago. I seriously feared I was loosing my sanity and that there was no way back. In fact I don’t honestly know what or where my ‘thinking’ was at. I guess it’s lead me to where I am at now though and cutting certain thought patterns out has helped but this was only possible by cutting certain people out. For a while I honestly thought I needed to cut my wife out too. For a while she was an enemy of my mind, in my mind, but my mind wasn’t in the right place. At times it feels like it might slip away again, and it could be anytime or any day or maybe never again. I honestly believe it’s all a healing process and I don’t like using that terminology but it does come closest to summing it up. I guess I’m still working away at it day by day. Being aware of the minutest changes helps me hugely. I’ve just realised that I didn’t feel I had much to say this morning but this must be one of my longest posts on here. It just goes to show there’s always more that can come forwards or be learnt.
