Well I’ve made it to another birthday. I’m 45. Fortyfuckingfive. I never thought I’d get here. Yet it’s been like a blink of an eye. I guess I’m kind of shocked.  I’d intended for this to be a better birthday than usual but yet again it’s pretty shit.  I’ve had 1 card and 1 gift and that was from friends of mine. My kids haven’t wished me happy birthday yet.  My wife has been a bit unwell the last few days so hasn’t got me a card or anything from her or the kids. The usual leaving things until the last minute has gone tits up again.  I think next year I’ll go away on my own out of the way, assuming I’m still around.  It looks like I’ll be cooking dinner for us again tonight too because Kara has decided to go to bed and go on Facebook. She was up there when Fynn and I got in from the gym. Who knows maybe she’ll decide to come down later.  Such is life.  

This virus abd sore throat are lingering. I didn’t do a workout tonight. I took Fynn to our gym but only did warm ups with him the trained him. I tried to train but I’m too worn out. We put the weights I normally use on the dumbbells and I struggled to lift one dumbbell with both hands let alone one in each so I gave up.  It’s for the best while feeling shitty. I have taken myself off Facebook again tonight as I’ve found myself being slightly antagonistic. Maybe more than slightly. Hey ho. Strength will soon come back physically. Mentally I need to recoup. 

I’ve got a kind of virus/sore throat thing going on since yesterday. I’ve dropped about 3 pounds in body weight too! Never good when you’re bodybuilding but once this illness goes the weight will soon go back on.  I’m wondering if it’s why I’ve been a bit wired and a bit hypomanic the past week. It could well be. In fact I hope it is because at least that means it’s not just down to mental health issues.  I’d think the weight dropping is some fluid loss from being warm and also having a headache all day. I need it gone by tomorrow so it doesn’t affect my workouts too much. I’ll go lighter next week anyway. We’d already decided that because last week we hit it hard. If the hypomania, it’s mild, is down to this I’ll be very happy.  I’ll be glad for the thoughts to slow down that’s for sure.  

Last night I slept much better. I kept myself awake about 15 minutes longer than normal to try to be a bit more tired. It worked. My alarm woke me this morning. I’m usually up 20 minutes before it goes off.  It’s kind of an insurance policy rather than an alarm.  I’m tired tonight already as we did a workout tonight.  It was leg day.  We hit it really hard and used more weight than previously. I was hypomanic a bit today but not an onslaught.  It’s easing off.  It happens this time of the year so I guess it’s par for the course. It’ll soon be my birthday, 19th November, and dates are a fucker for me anyway.  I’m looking forwards to it this year. Maybe I always do but this year I’m more calm and quiet about it.

Life is good. 

I now have 20,800 subscribers. It’s brought a shit load of spam comments though. Over 2,300 comments to go through to check if any aren’t spam….great.

So where am I at? I’ve had moments of hypomania the last few days.  I’ve been waking up 2 or so hours earlier than normal even taking into account the clocks changing last weekend.  Working out is going well. I’m leaning off bodyfat and putting muscle on too and am now holding at about 217 pounds or 15 stone 7 pounds.  I’m tired again so I know I’m growing again.  I’ve added cardio too which has helped my cardiovascular fitness very quickly.  It’s surprising how putting size on reasonably fast can affect me.  Everything is getting bigger.  I love it.  

We’ve been working out for 7 weeks, the first 2 were light weeks, and we’ve both gained strength and size.  We decided to take a week off for recovery and will hit the weights again on Thursday for leg day.  I’d noticed last week my mood was elevating so backing off was the right thing to do.  My sleep was getting less. I noticed I was30-60 minutes later going to sleep some nights and often waking 60-90 minutes earlier. I put this down to the buzz from training but also needing a rest as it can affect the central nervous system.  I can’t just go lightly or gently at it so it’s easier to take time out.  I’m glad I noticed and chatted through with Fynn about it.  He totally agreed about taking time off.  He’s strong but still a growing lad.  It’s also important to keep on top of my mental health, which working out is usually a huge benefit to.  The gains are coming.

This is a copy and paste from my Facebook. It’s not an attack but I see worrying signs.

Greta Thunberg and the Climate Change movement that follow her every word are becoming a huge cult. Nobody must speak out against her or question her mental health or you get told you’re bashing a child, you’ll get told she’s more grown up than most adults (talk about a contradictions of terms), you’ll get told to go kill yourself, told you’re jealous of her success, told you know nothing and are worthless, told not to bring up her anxiety, depression or her eating disorder and most certainly mustn’t suggest she’s in the early stages of a mental breakdown. She’s 16. She is still a child however intelligent she is. She’s still not an adult yet.
Whether you believe or disbelieve in climate change is not the point. The point is this is a child who from what I, and others, can see is getting mentally unwell. If/when she cracks I hope she gets help and I also hope that her cult followers and parents etc DON’T blame others outside of themselves. The blame WILL lie at their feet fully because they’re encouraging and pushing her knowingly or unknowingly.

As someone with a mental illness who has had ‘mental breakdowns’ I can see the warning signs. If this were me living so obsessed and consumed by one thing I would probably end up under the mental health team at the least but possibly sectioned. Dress it up however you like but the facts are the facts.

Seriously pissed off that so many spam comments are being posted.  If anyone has actually written a real comment it’ll take ages to find now as there are over 1200 spam comments to go through and check. Bugger.  

Mentally I’m good. I’m back in good shape and working out hard.  I’m putting some size back on. Getting stronger again. Regaining strength that I had years ago.  I wish I didn’t give up on so many things in my life but there’s only so much I can do I guess.  The only thing I can do is keep pushing forwards and keep doing stuff.  I’m now at a stage where I’m considering coming off the small amount of meds that I’m on.  I’ll ponder on it some more before deciding.  I’m in no hurry that’s for sure.  Physically I have had some kidney pain in my right kidney.  I put this down to falling down some stairs.  I also noticed a strange pain in my head last night on the right side.  I’ll keep an eye on it.  

I’m pretty tired today but I know why.  I’m on week 3 of being back working out.  Already I’m putting muscle back on and I’m getting string fast again.  That’s a big reason why. Also Fynn and I are watching ‘Lecter’  on Netflix. It’s very good. I’m not sure how accurate their portrayal of psychopathy is but it’s made me question a few people I know regarding it and other mh issues.  I’d guess 1 is at least a narcissistic sociopath.  I’ve seen it first hand in the way they’ve conducted themselves.  I’ve wondered if I’m a psychopath but I feel things deeply so I guess that rules me out.  Sometimes I feel too much.  I guess it goes with the territory with Bipolar.  I’m less angry these days too.  In fact I’m pretty happy again in life.  It takes a lot to stay close to it but I do try my hardest.  It’s not always easy for those around me that’s for sure. I even wrote my daughter a letter the other day to tell her a few things.  It’s amazing how fast kids start to become adults.  I sat on the sofa beside Fynn earlier and took in how big he’s got.  I remember the little 2 year old who I used to pick up and carry.  Life goes fast.  Live it.  

I’m having a piss up.  I had one Friday. So far it seems real beer, not shite, is ok to drink.  Sufuckingperb. All is good.  The aliens will visit when they’re ready and when I allow them to.  Earth is my planet and I’m superman. Let’s all a anaesthetise ourselves from the harsh cruel reality of life.  We’re all going to die. Some of us more violently than others.  Some lingering in a slow painful drawn out death.  However it’s coming for us all.  Maybe I should have a metamorphosis  into the grim reaper.  Maybe I already am.  Super reaper.  Haha.  I’m alive and well. Good.  Fuck off. Haha. Everyone has their own battles even if we never see them.  Just be kind because there truly are some horrible cunts out there.