I’m pretty tired today but I know why.  I’m on week 3 of being back working out.  Already I’m putting muscle back on and I’m getting string fast again.  That’s a big reason why. Also Fynn and I are watching ‘Lecter’  on Netflix. It’s very good. I’m not sure how accurate their portrayal of psychopathy is but it’s made me question a few people I know regarding it and other mh issues.  I’d guess 1 is at least a narcissistic sociopath.  I’ve seen it first hand in the way they’ve conducted themselves.  I’ve wondered if I’m a psychopath but I feel things deeply so I guess that rules me out.  Sometimes I feel too much.  I guess it goes with the territory with Bipolar.  I’m less angry these days too.  In fact I’m pretty happy again in life.  It takes a lot to stay close to it but I do try my hardest.  It’s not always easy for those around me that’s for sure. I even wrote my daughter a letter the other day to tell her a few things.  It’s amazing how fast kids start to become adults.  I sat on the sofa beside Fynn earlier and took in how big he’s got.  I remember the little 2 year old who I used to pick up and carry.  Life goes fast.  Live it.  

I’m having a piss up.  I had one Friday. So far it seems real beer, not shite, is ok to drink.  Sufuckingperb. All is good.  The aliens will visit when they’re ready and when I allow them to.  Earth is my planet and I’m superman. Let’s all a anaesthetise ourselves from the harsh cruel reality of life.  We’re all going to die. Some of us more violently than others.  Some lingering in a slow painful drawn out death.  However it’s coming for us all.  Maybe I should have a metamorphosis  into the grim reaper.  Maybe I already am.  Super reaper.  Haha.  I’m alive and well. Good.  Fuck off. Haha. Everyone has their own battles even if we never see them.  Just be kind because there truly are some horrible cunts out there.   

I’m seriously angry this afternoon.  Luckily I’m going to do a workout soon to use some aggression up.  I’m angry because I’ve a customer who is over due on their payment and they’ve been silent since just before they got the bill over 2 weeks ago.  Not a word since. I’ve emailed again and sent the invoice again. Zilch. No reply.  Not good.  It’s over £1500k too. It’s starting to get to me.  It’s always one step forwards then I go backwards again.  This time I’ll chase it.  I’ll not let up.  Sadly the branch the punchbag was on is broken otherwise I’d go hit it a bit after a workout.  I don’t need the stress.  I was starting to think things were getting better.  I’ll beat it.  

I’m sitting here questioning life.  Questing lots of parts of my life.  Something will give soon. I’m not sure what it will be yet but who knows.  My life is like a Led Zeppelin song…Communication Breakdown. What’s the point in trying and trying for so long when it seems futile.  There has to be more to life than this shit.   

Anxiety hello again.  Back to haunt my future before it happens.  Thanks.  I really need it.  I need to escape for a while.  Past people crop up and rock the boat.  Future people already make me anxious.  I need a new life.  A new identity. A new address. A new body.  A new mind.  Some people just do my fucking head in.  I’m walking the fine line between sanity and insanity daily yet most would t know it or see it.  It must be that time of year again.  Silly season.  Paranoia is a bastard too.  It can fuck off.  The elite are screwing us all over yet most don’t care.  They live in their little fantasy worlds.  We’re killing each other and the planet.  Fuck off.  Leave me alone.  Blah blah blah.  Bad dreams still happening.  At least superman lives. We need to disintegrate into the primordial soup. Birth again but better.  Another planet. Another time.  We all need to accept death and go.  

The last few night my sleep hasn’t been as good as usual.  I’ve had bad dreams.  I’ve woken up with back ache.  Maybe the Succubi have been after me or perhaps the daemons again.  Similar scenarios as usual in my bad dreams.  Situations I cannot stop or change. Fighting hard but not making an impact.  Bad situations from life that I have had no control over.  Anxieties.  Even some things I can’t remember.  Maybe it’s just that time of year again.  The year is waning.  It’s dying.  The death that is winter is coming. Am I ready for any mental onslaught that often happens this time of the year onwards?  I don’t know.  I’ll find out soon enough though.  I have no choice.  Maybe I’ll invoke again.  I will fight hard regardless.  It is what it is.  I see pain everywhere.  I feel too much too often.  Coldness too.  It’s painful.  

Tomorrow will be my 16th wedding anniversary.  Someone needs to buy my wife a huge medal for putting up with me. I’m not sure I would if I didn’t have to.  How time flies.  To think she’s not really poisoned me even though I was sure she had several times.  I’ve even told her that I knew she had.  Such craziness and not even fun crazy.  Lots has happened since then. Lives created and born, moving house, illness’ and deaths.  So much.  It’s mind boggling.  I don’t know what the future may hold but I need to try to stay well.   

One day it will all be over.  One day I won’t have bipolar disorder.  I’ll be free of it. I don’t know when that day will come but if I’m pushed to it so be it.  Living a hermits life seems the way to control it best.  No drinking or drugs.  No going out socialising where there’s lots of people.  No drawn out interactions with average people.  Yet again I’m trying to increase my intelligence.  I crave to learn more.  I need to learn about things I know nothing of.   I will continue.  It’s the only way.  Nobody crosses me. So be it.  

Things are going ok.  In fact something good happened today. However I still get paranoid that it’ll go wrong.  Why do I think like this still?  Things are going well but I think they’ll fuck up. Every time.  I’m in a pretty good place mentally so why? I guess it’s default settings in my brain.  It’ll take time and work but I will overcome it.  I think I’ll end up cutting a few more things and people out of my life to help myself more.  There’ll soon only be myself left and I’m my own worst enemy.  I’ll win.  I know I will.  

I won’t carry out a ritual.  I have moved past that some time ago when invoking my HGA. Intelligence prevails.