I woke this morning to the dreadful feeling that is anxiety. I say I woke to it. I’m not sure if I did or if it woke me up itself. It’s horrible. This feeling of impending doom. I’m not sure why I feel it either. Who am I? What am I? And where am I supposed to be in life?  How can I even think to try to answer these questions?   I don’t know. There’s lots I don’t know. I do know we need to get off grid though. As soon as we possibly can. Buy land and get self sufficient. Fully. I need to push it. I don’t want to just jolly along in life with it being a dream. I want it to be a reality  and I know it won’t be easy at times but I’m very certain it will bring out the best in us in so many ways.  We are implementing it slowly where we are. I say slowly. These last few months have been a great learning curve.

   I guess yet again I feel like this, in part, because of customers and how they feel that they own you when you are working for them.  I would say that from looking in on it all that so many people are living in fear of so many unknown things that they don’t even see it themselves. I know I live with fears. I try to confront them. I try to understand them. Maybe that also brings out anxiety. I’m not sure. Anyway people confuse me. Or maybe I shouldn’t be taken in by them. Often they put out their best parts so that they seem nice or attractive to work for or in life but then little by little their cracks appear and they want more than they originally stated.  I just want a life that I want. Not one that others dictate I should have.    

Last night as I lay in bed about to go to sleep I had flash backs about my dada and the last week of his life. I had flashes of other times too. I have come to realise that I never fully knew my parents. I’ve also realised that it’s ok.  They never really knew me either. We form our views of people from the little we know of them and from the little time we spend with them so it’s no wonder we never fully know people. We only know our version of them. The version that we create from what we think we know and from the thoughts that we have have in our minds.  Quite often they might well be false thoughts too. Very false. Our minds a such tricksters to us.    

Anyway I know that yet again I crave seclusion and a better more wholesome life. A life ruled by living ritzy by nature and not a life of chasing money and chasing work. A life worth living. 

Its bank holiday Monday. It’s been a lazy and yet good busy weekend. On Saturday I did some things in the garden and then took my children off blackberry picking. I stewed some of our cooking apples for dessert with the blackberries. We’ve frozen some too for over the winter. There’s lots more cooking apples and blackberries to pick yet. Our cooking apples are still ripening. I’m feeling reasonably ok but had a blip in the week. I’ve been taking a magnesium supplement.  I’ve forgotten the last few days. I wonder if it’s helped me to pick my moods up a bit or if it was responsible for my blip. I know I need to start motivating myself more again. To move forwards with my life. Talking of which I’ve taken myself off a bipolar group on Facebook and have joined an off grid and smallholding group on Facebook.          

Yesterday I cleared an area in the garden that I had been doing on Saturday and I built a trellis from long branches. It’s very rustic but looks amazing and I had everything in the garden that I needed. It’s great using what you have and trying to save money and the environment. I love it. I’m loving growing our own food too. Really love it.  I’m going to cook some more fallen cooking apples shortly to eat later or to freeze. Great stuff. I spent nearly £50 on heirloom and heritage seeds the other day too so in theory I have enough seeds for life now apart from some different varieties I might want to grow because I can harvest seeds from the things I will be planting. They should be tastier varieties too which will be lovely. All is pretty good. I’m going to look to take on extra work too because I feel a good bit mentally stronger and plus the extra money will help us save towards land too.  Life is ok and I can’t complain. 

So yet again I keep forgetting to write something each day. It’s something I had promised myself to stick to. I don’t want it to be yet mother thing I forget about or stop doing. I fear that my life will be all about things started but never finished. I am however really studying permaculture very deeply. I do need to push it harder and further though. Before I know it another year will of passed and we will say ‘oh that year went quickly’. We need to push to make these things happen. Something that has been on my mind a bit lately is my wife’s drinking. She drinks maybe 5 nights per week and when she has had a drink her temper flares up. Ugh quicker and she has far less tolerance. I’ve been drinking at times too. And I’m still eating meat. I need to get my arse back in gear and stop fucking about at it all.  It might well mean getting off Facebook for a while too. Last year I had about 4 months off there and it was such a breath of brush air too! Maybe we need to both, my wife and I, set some goals and. Start seriously saving towards doing what we know we want to do. I don’t want us to keep letting it slip past and end up half doing it in old age we need to dream big and chase those dreams fully. As I write this I’m having de ja vu. Hmmm interesting. I’ve played tonight’s euro lottery hoping I will win but I can’t rely on dreaming about money to make things happen for us. Life is short and we need to just take the plunge and look into these things properly. The garden and permaculture are growing fast and expanding too. It’s the way forward with life.  We need to push it along a bit too. 

I had a mini high on Monday. I was really late going to sleep. I think I figured out the trigger too.  I felt a little similar yesterday as well.  Anyway I’ve realised yet again that because I’ve been feeling level, good and productive I’ve not been keeping up with this. Yet again is it becoming one of those things that I let slide? I think maybe most people are like this with things at times. Maybe it’s boredom and once settled we get bored. We move along to other things and forget to keep ourselves motivated. Maybe that’s why someone who is ‘successful’ at something is successful  they just have a bit better motivation and keep going at things. I don’t know  maybe I’m clutching at straws. Anyway I need to keep going with this because when I nose dive again or go high I’ll be back here running on about how shitthings are or how awesome I am. Ah yes. Almost forgot. I’m now taking chelated magnesium as a supplement. It’ll be interesting to see how it affects me and if it’s as good as I’ve read.  I’ve only been taking it for two days now and even though I sleep well I’d say it’s helped me sleep even better.  That can’t be a bad thing either.

I’m still doing lots in the garden. Still implementing lots of permaculture too. I’ve planted some over wintering veg in seed trays and also in the ground and raised beds. All is good.

it’s Sunday late afternoon. Yesterday I disapeared from level. I’m not fully sure where I ended up but anger was a part of it. I’m pretty ok now but that’s life. I’ve had a busy lazy day so far just pottering about and doing things in the garden. I’ve potted on the comfrey from the seed tray into pots. I’ve harvested some chillies. There’s loads more to come. I’ve done ‘stuff’. All good. I’ve rested too. I’ve spent time on facebook, too much lately to be honest, I’ve also researched about chillies and planting things etc. All good. I’m aware that being on Facebook more and more lately could be a signal or warning. I did go back to bed for a rest/snooze this morning too. All is all. 

It’s Thursday. All is well. I’m level. It feels a bit strange but it’s ok. I’m missing being high but certainly not the lows. I’m still not medicated.  Life is good. I’ve got plans yet again. Woohoo. 

Life. What a strange thing it is. What is it really? Why do we live? Who are we really and why are we here? Life. Hmmm.      

I’m still trying to figure all of it out for myself or about myself. I’m 40. Where has the time gone?  Whoosh. I need to start living even more than I am already. I want to get off grid asap. To stop working asap. So far my experiments are going well in regards to doing it too. We are growing plenty of food now and the longer it goes on the more grows and will grow. It’s good.  

It’s Thursday and it’s been fucking stressful. I’m sick and tired of people who don’t fully explain what they want then complain after a job is finished. There’s so much shit going on in the world too and they complain about petty bollocks. It really got to me today. I felt like murdering someone, walking away and saying fuck it and or killing myself too. My head fucks me up too much sometimes and it can’t carry on like this. Petty shit boils my piss. Talking of which my piss was dark orang/yellow just now because of the stress hormones. I need to get out of the rat race. It’s such a load of bollocks too. All this money business is a pile of shit. All this profit and inflation crap is so wrong. It’s wrong for humans and it’s wrong for the planet. Mostly we all run around pretending it’s not happening but the world is getting fucked up. The environment needs to be taken care of not just fucking taxed. Taxing shit doesn’t change a thing it just makes things ‘cost’ more. We are all sitting here hoping that there will be a solution come along magically or a superhero. It’s not happening. It’s not some crazy bat shit American fake hero film. It’s real life. There’s only one way of sorting it all out. Permaculture. 

Ok so it’s Tuesday. I’ve worked my arse off today. I tried getting a job done all in one day but I’ll go back tomorroow. They can have a bill once I’m finished. Woohoo. I need to get the money in. Loads of people owe me money too. Some for far too long! I’m too kind when it comes to money. I’m going to be like concrete and harden the fuck up!  It’s all good and well being owed. It’s better not to be owed! It’s time to tighten my belt and pull my socks up. Get the money in. Superb.

Anyway life’s alright at the minute. I’m tired but all is good. Life is good. It’s better to be alive than dead that’s for sure but who knows what death brings…talking of which ive been thinking about my dad a fair bit lately. I’ve been getting flashbacks too. I’ll be driving along and then something will click or something will spark a thought then I’ll feel emotional. How well do we ever really know others? I know myself well but I honestly feel like I never really know others. I guess that’s life and it’s normal. Well fuck it it’s just how I am so hey ho. Anyway that’s where I’m at. Life’s good but tough. Money is flowing to me fast once again now too. Great. 

It’s Monday again. That means work but it also means a drumming lesson tonight. That’s good. I’m still feeling good. I guess I’m feeling level even. It’s strange. It feels like I’m kind of fake. I’m not sure if it means I feel fake now or fake when high or low. Hard to explain. Anyway it’s ok. I know I’ll go up or down again at some point. This time last year if I had of felt level Id of believed Id cured myself, but not now. I know more, much more, about myself. I know I’ll go up and down. I know I can be a nightmare to live with too. My wife is a diamond to put up with me.

Anyway life is good. I’m more cautious when making decisions now too. Only last week I took out a loan of £7500 because it meant I got a better interest rate than what I had on a previous loan that still had just over £3000 left on it. I can now pay the difference off and either lower the length or lower the payments. A year and a half ago I’d of spent it by now on something bonkers! Luckily I’ve not done that this time. If anything I’m trying to cut our outgoings right down to as little as possible. I still want to cut things even lower still. We are growing even more food. Maybe this year we might save £200-300 on food. It’s not loads but it’s all good. Next year we will save even more because we’ve learnt more. Anyway life is good for now so I’m making hay as the saying goes. If I feel shit I take it easy because I know I need to. Plus for us to get off grid will take quite a while so I’ve lots of time to experiment.

Oh I nearly forgot. I bought two chickens yesterday! We now have 5 hens. Lovely.