Have to get this down

I’m struggling right now. Really struggling. I’ve kept my mouth shut. I’ve not put it here but I’ve been so up and down lately. Today I’ve felt very low but I’ve masked it as usual. I’ve been thinking about suicide lately. I know that if I do it at any point I’ll not say I’m going to or anything like that. And it won’t be anyone’s fault. Nobody will be to blame. I need to put it down. To get it out. To write it just so it’s here to be read and possibly understood. I’m struggling to cope more than I dare admit. Nobody can get how I feel. I’m lost. I feel bad. Really bad. I shouldn’t of cut my dad out for so long. I know I made up with him but I should of done it sooner and I’ll forever regret not doing it. Luckily I was ther for his final week in this life. I owe so much to him really. He raised me as a single parent who worked full time and sometimes weekends too just to pay the bills and the debts that my mum left him with.  I can’t leave my wife with debts or a mortgage to pay. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m so torn to shreds and I’m walking around with my mask fully on. Lah lay lah lah lah ‘I’m ok it’s all ok’ lah lah lah lah lah. Why do I struggle so much ? Why can I never get ahead in life? Why am I so punished? All my life I’ve been pushed and punished. My mum left when I was 6. That has hurt me so much. How? How could she? I don’t get it? Why can’t I ever tell people the full picture or the full story? What do I fear? Why do I fear? I still haven’t gone back to the doctors. I fear it. I fear them brushing me aside yet again. It’s not worth the turmoil. Fuck it all. Fuck The World. 

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