It’s Tuesday morning and just after 7am. Most of the last night I felt anxious about this morning. I’ve worried that I’d sleep too long and miss the appointment I have to get the medical and death certificates. I’ve worried about getting the clothes I’ve chosen to the funeral directors too. I’m so anxious this morning. I’m not sure if I’ve got hay fever or a cold coming but I couldn’t breathe very well last night either. I need to get to work to get some money in too. I also need to make out some bills for people but have put it off so many times lately. I’m not sure why I’ve put it off but usually I get like this when I’m depressed. I think today I need to get these things done. First I’ll go to the hospital then got to dads and pick his clothes up to take to the funeral directors, then I’ll make the bills out that need doing and only then will I decide if I go to work. I’m shattered. I need some mental headspace. Maybe work is just what I need. I’m not sure. I certainly need to get some money in that’s for sure.
I can’t believe I’m back to feeling such a fucking muddle. I’d really got on top of things after being depressed earlier this year. It’s all just blown me out the window again. I can’t think straight and I can’t even think most of the time. I think I’ve dissasociated myself yet again. I have to say that this is the worst I’ve felt upon getting up to date since dad died. I’ve not taken on board that he’s dead yet either. I’m in a strange kind of fantasy in my head. I’m not sure where I’m at or what’s really going on. Escape would be good. It would be amazing. There is no escape from this though and I’m now on my own, alone.