Today can piss off. I can’t be bothered with it. I lost it this morning and ended up in a rage like a berserker. I smashed a big plant pot outside and the threw the plant all over the place. I kicked the car. I tried to punch through the glass in the conservatory door but being double glazed it didn’t break. And so on. It wasn’t pretty. My wife was the trigger. I was singing about how I wish her parents were dead and how I’d had enough of her. Grief really has got to me. It started because she assumed I was having a go at her when in fact I was inspired by a story of how a guy has started living off grid and how important every second of every day is. She took it the wrong way. I ended up telling her I don’t want to be stuck with a big mortgage around my neck and always paying bills when we could in fact buy land and build our own house and be mortgage free. She must think off grid living is about living in a tiny shack in the arse end of nowhere. Off grid means off the grids. No electricity to pay no mortgage etc etc. There are various ways of doing it. We could have pv panels and produce our electric. Heat sink heating and solar oven. Hot water from a solar water system and from compost/manure heaps too. Sewage as either composting toilets or even a septic tank system. Sink a bore hole or well for water. The list goes on. Heat the house or too it up with a wood burnerI’m not . So any great ideas that we could harness and use. Things we could incorporate for free. Anyway she seems to be happy plodding along in life. I’m not. I’m not a plodder. I’m driven. I need goals. From how she was talking this morning she would be happy to just plod plod plod. When we first got together she talked about living an Eco lifestyle and traveling the world. It looks like she doesn’t want to do that anymore. We have no spare cash so can’t even have a weekend away. It’s that simple. Our cash is eaten up by surviving. We don’t live we survive. Just. That’s why I want to grow our own food. It’s another part of being off grid and also it’s fun, it’s good to know what you’re eating and it’s grown locally and fresh. Simple. I need to live not just work and die. Anyway I lost it this morning. It’s that simple. I’m in bed and it’s 2:53pm and I ought to be earning money but really can’t be arsed. That’s me now. I’ve realised I’ve thrown my circadian rhthymn right out too. I need to get that back on track. I need to stop drinking alcohol too. I’ve been eating meat again as well. I need to get back fully to a sensible lifestyle. My wife drinks quite a bit too. Several bottles of wine per week. If she opens a bottle it is usually gone in just over an hour.