Anxiety is back yet again

I woke this morning to the dreadful feeling that is anxiety. I say I woke to it. I’m not sure if I did or if it woke me up itself. It’s horrible. This feeling of impending doom. I’m not sure why I feel it either. Who am I? What am I? And where am I supposed to be in life?  How can I even think to try to answer these questions?   I don’t know. There’s lots I don’t know. I do know we need to get off grid though. As soon as we possibly can. Buy land and get self sufficient. Fully. I need to push it. I don’t want to just jolly along in life with it being a dream. I want it to be a reality  and I know it won’t be easy at times but I’m very certain it will bring out the best in us in so many ways.  We are implementing it slowly where we are. I say slowly. These last few months have been a great learning curve.

   I guess yet again I feel like this, in part, because of customers and how they feel that they own you when you are working for them.  I would say that from looking in on it all that so many people are living in fear of so many unknown things that they don’t even see it themselves. I know I live with fears. I try to confront them. I try to understand them. Maybe that also brings out anxiety. I’m not sure. Anyway people confuse me. Or maybe I shouldn’t be taken in by them. Often they put out their best parts so that they seem nice or attractive to work for or in life but then little by little their cracks appear and they want more than they originally stated.  I just want a life that I want. Not one that others dictate I should have.    

Last night as I lay in bed about to go to sleep I had flash backs about my dada and the last week of his life. I had flashes of other times too. I have come to realise that I never fully knew my parents. I’ve also realised that it’s ok.  They never really knew me either. We form our views of people from the little we know of them and from the little time we spend with them so it’s no wonder we never fully know people. We only know our version of them. The version that we create from what we think we know and from the thoughts that we have have in our minds.  Quite often they might well be false thoughts too. Very false. Our minds a such tricksters to us.    

Anyway I know that yet again I crave seclusion and a better more wholesome life. A life ruled by living ritzy by nature and not a life of chasing money and chasing work. A life worth living. 

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