Struggling yet abloodygain

So after going to the doctors yesterday and him seeing a lot of urgency in my mental state I relaxed a but and then went high last night. A mini high.  This morning I’m struggling yet again. I couldn’t sleep straight away last night even though I went to bed about 10. It must of been about midnight when I forced myself to turn the light off and try going to sleep. Had I not of done that I would of been awake for hours.  My alarm woke me this morning and I can’t be arsed with thinking about work right now but as usual I’ll force myself to go in, wear my ‘I’m ok everything is ok’ mask.    

Ah I almost forgot. Yesterday afternoon I went to try getting almost finished on a job that I was doing before Christmas. The people there are really nice and the guy is also bipolar. Anyway I had told them I hadn’t been well last week with the cough etc I had and they asked how I was and I ended up telling them all about the doctors and why I had been. They were both so kind about it. It really touched me. They said I have done exactly what I should do and the woman said she was so proud of me for realising I need to get help. People like that amazement and really make me see how nice the world is. What lovely kind people.    

Ok so back to now. I’m anxious as fuck yet again and I have so many fears about everything. The doctor was more than true to his word. Yesterday afternoon the mental health hospital at Helesdon phoned up to sort out an appointment.  I will call them this morning because right now I feel desperate again. I’m sick and tired of this mixed episodes that I’m having. Countless mood changes in each day. I must just hang in there I guess but I know it’s going to take ages to get some kind of help. It’s like there are two or more of me. The real me inside, the worker me who carries on even in breaking point, the family man me who tries to hold it together at home even though at times I’m not. Who is the real me though? Who?

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