Thirsday night

It’s Thursday night and I’m not sure what’s going on. I was high last night not way way high but high enough for my wife to make a point of telling/arming me. Then I drank champagne afterwards. What a stupid/great idea that was! Anyway tonight I’m here and today has kind of been ok but I have been a bit unsure of where I’m at. Anyway tonight I feel mixed. My head is pounding and I feel a bit drunk too. I’m sober though. I wish I had of had these feelings on Monday when I saw the psychiatric nurse. I’m not sure if I’m going off on one again but I feel really worn out by all of this. If I’m going to start getting more unwell as I get older I’m not sure what I will do. Right now I think I’m going to curl up on the sofa or maybe shower quickly and go to bed. I’m not sure. I know I should shower and go to bed but I really can’t be bothered to go upstairs. And also this is my own quiet time. My kids have been hard work tonight. They’re probably just being normal but I’m fighting myself more than usual I guess.  I don’t know. I’m trying to work out if there are triggers to this and I’m going to have to really analsie it all and sort through it. I have to get through tomorrow and Saturday yet before I can unwind A little. Maybe Sunday I won’t be able to either as we are out at my mother in laws for lunch I think. I’ll see how I feel. I might be full of life by then.  Or. Aubergine I won’t. Who knows. It is what it is.  I’m tired of fighting. Can I just give in and allow it do do what it will I don’t know anymore. I’m so unsure. I’m unsure about being unsure. Or I think I a,m. Fight fight fight. I keep getting up again though. That’s good I guess. So far so good so what. Moffet. 

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