I had drumming last night which was great. I got home and my wife and children were playing Uno which is a card game. All was ok. I ate My dinner etc. I was a little excitable for sure. My wife was drunk. It was quite early when we were getting the kids ready for bed and my wife got irritable. I had a shower and apologised to her for being lively and a bit up etc and said I would come down stairs for a while. It was maybe 8:30 pm. Just as I sat down I received an email about work and about pricing a job within the next week etc. So I replied asking some questions and then it was 9pm so I went to bed. I decided that instead of reading one of my books I would do some research online. I was looking up about rapid cycling and ultra rapid cycling etc and started to chat with my wife. Anyway the discussion turned to how her daughters have distanced themselves from me and I said that its ok if they feel they need to be distanced from me. With this my wife got cross. She didn’t understand what I meant. I explained that if they struggle to understand me or how I can be then it’s ok if they want to be distant as long as they are close to her. Part of this crossness was because when in a real bad state a few weeks ago I texted one of her daughters and I think I tried to explain how I feel at times but was also very paranoid and her daughter assumed I was attention seeking and trying to provoke something. This lead to my wife basically saying that it’s attention seeking. I tried to explain that it couldn’t further from the truth! To hear my wife say that it’s attention seeking really pissed me off. Seriously pissed me off. I rolled over to go to sleep. How fucking dare she say that! If only she knew how many times I feel really bad and haven’t been able to tell her anything and I have just had to carry on externally as normal and go off to work while inside I’m a wreck. Sitting here writing this I’m getting angry too. She has been drinking quite a lot lately. Ok maybe she feels she now has a lot to deal with. Im no different to who I was before apart from the fact that we do now KNOW why I am different at times and why my moods crash or go up. The only difference is having a confirmation of it all. To tell me it’s attention seeking is fucking stupid and it’s seriously pissed me off. Seriously.
I really don’t think my wife knows me at all right now and to think we were getting closer again. I personally think she needs to stop drinking. Often she says she can’t remember saying things like that but in my opinion that’s no excuse. So I think I am going to end up overthinking all day yet again. I am also going to have to think how much I actually tell my wife yet again too. Maybe it’s best I tell her fuck all. Especially if she thinks it’s just attention seeking. How fucking dare she. I have no friends to talk to other than people online and I have no family either that I can talk to and she has now made it quite clear that I certainly can’t try to talk to her daughters about it. Fuck the lot of them. They can all fuck off. Wankers. The next time they might want to borrow money they can fuck off and to think my wife can afford to buy 3-5 bottles of wine each week but I have to pay her tax…..she can fuck off too.
I thought I was starting to come out and to level off but this has seriously fucked me off and to think that part of the reason I tipped over and went sky high was because I was trying to earn lots of money to pay for things too. Fuck it all. Attention seeking my arse.