How long can I still work…..

I am sat here wondering about work and life. The stress of life and work seem to build to such a height I either crash or go up.  I try to keep as balanced as possible but it doesn’t always work.  I keep a track on everything pretty closely. My sleep has gotten much better again although last night I didn’t turn lights off for sleep until 11pm and woke up before 6. I know 6 is my usual kind of time for waking up in my ideal world but I was and am a little concerned that I was still awake at 11 last night.  I’ll see how it goes tonight. Maybe I’ve just kind of caught up from tiredness from the past 3-4 months. I don’t know.  Anyway it is what it is.  Ah something else I’ve just remembered is I didn’t read last night really. I watched music videos on YouTube. That’s interesting. Sometimes there’s a mood shift happening when I obsess over things and over music too especially.  I also craved chocolate and sweet things last night. Shit I even cooked dinner and dessert too! That’s unheard of.  I’d forgotten that until just now. Mind you my wife didn’t feel so great and I wanted to help out.  I don’t think I write much about that aspect of my life in here.  Hmmm.  Interesting. I love my wife and my family lots.      

I nearly didn’t start to blog this morning because I thought I have nothing to say.  Anyway I guess I always have things to say. I sometimes wish I could record my thought patterns and my thinking.  I should harness my ideas because often they could be world changing.  Maybe some of them are even genius.  Some are really shit though too haha. I guess this morning I’m calm but agitated. Ah it’s dawned on me. I’m a tiny bit anxious too because I have a kind of start date for March and have lots of work to fit in between now and then. I know it’ll work out fine but maybe it’s starting to trigger things off with me.  

Oh I’ve just realised that originally I was going to post about how long can I realistically keep working for because often work really is my biggest trigger even though it’s also what keeps my feet on the ground. I’m never really sure how I cope properly either.  I guess I’m just so bloody awesome that I do and nobody ever notices that I’m running around like a headless chicken half the time internally. I’m tired of pushing people away too. So tired of it. So tired of wearing my mask too but if I don’t I think I’d end up living alone miles from anywhere. We really are just like worker bees.  Feeding the system. What a load of bollocks it is too living like that. Snatching moments here and there and thinking we are living.  That’s not living. It’s barely existing and we are killing the world too whilst doing it.  Crazy. Utterly crazy.  Killing the only planet we have and thinking it’ll all be ok. Haha. What a joke. Mankind is sick. Mankind is a sickness on the earth. Killing everything. No wonder I can’t cope.  It’s a joke.  Living on a planet that wants infinite growth from finite resources. Haha. How stupid are those in power and government bending over to the whim and will of corporation.  Crazy world.  Humans suck. 

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