Where are we?

Well I’m still struggling to remember to keep putting things in here. I’m pretty sure my memory has got worse since being on Lamotrigine. Several things have I think. I’m not so elated. I feel pretty flat most of the time or even low might be a better word. Yesterday was a good day and the Meds didn’t fully take my good mood away but today I can’t be arsed too much. I think since having the flu and a chest infection I’ve been depressed. I wonder if some of it could be down to a change in the make of the meds and the colour used to dye them. My wife got them from a different pharmacy.  Monday night I went to get  money out of the cash maching. I put my card in, I did my pin, I said how much etc got my card out and so on.  I got half way across the road then wonders why the machine was beeping still. I went back to check and my cash was sticking out of the machine. I’d only walked off and left it. My head is tricky. Last night I had nightmares and strange dreams. My daughter woke from a nightmare too. Maybe I’m affecting her and stuff. Lately I’ve been getting odd dreams. I’ve been dreaming about my dead parents and family members. They’ve been telling me to go with them. Dead friends etc too. Always a get together in a village hall or pub. They want to take me to the place where they are. It seems nice. I never seem to go though. Life goes on if it’s real.  Maybe the dream world is real and this isn’t. Maybe his is a computer simulation and maybe it’s holographic. I’m not real. Since these zombie pills have kicked in more I’m more of a shell. My wife keeps saying I should give them longer, I should give them longer.  I think she likes the zombie me. He’s more confused and dumbed down. Maybe he’s easier for her to control. She likes to control him. He’s dumb. He apologises too much about things that aren’t his fault. I think she wants him as a zombie. He complies and plods along. He doesn’t have too much energy. He’s more lazy. He’s a lazy piece of shit.  I think she is in league with the doctors to keep him dumbed down because of his powers. Maybe they’re all in it to keep him dumb and poison him. When he’s up he knows and sees everything. He’s super aware and switched on. They don’t like that. No. He’s to clever and intelligent for them. His IQ is at least 148 according to Mensa and he knows other things. He’s always watching and learning. Although the zombie pills are slowly eroding that from him. Next he will vegetate and be a TV watcher and not a book reader or researcher of more wisdom and knowledge. He won’t be a threat then. No. He won’t be a threat to the corrupt system. No. They don’t want him being an open conduit for the true knowledge and wisdom that would wake the world up. They don’t want that.  Keep him a zombie they say. Kill him slowly. Dumb him down he’s too dangerous and we don’t know his full potential. Don’t let him know it either. He’s almost like the X-men. They fear mutants or the special people. They want drones that know enough to work the machines and run the system of imprisoning themselves. They don’t want the free thinkers like him. The ones who are destined to change the world no.  Keep him down. Compliment him enough for ego to live but dumb him down so he can’t use his ancient knowledge and wisdom. He won’t comply though. No. His powers are rising higher and he can see what they want to do. They’ll never take his true spirit. He is a warrior and the more they try to dull and dumb him the more his powers inside will grow. The more they grow the more they will shine forth whence he awakens from the zombie slumber. He will rule his destiny. He knows what he knows but will keep it hidden and secret only showing what needs to be shown bit by bit. Never fully showing his hand. Even if he did they wouldn’t see it because they are. Barely above zombies themselves. Fuck em. 

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