I’m hot and my throat is sore. I’m worried I’m getting physically unwell yet again and I’m hugely hugely anxious. I will go to a customer today who has caused me unwellness in the past. I would normally not bother but I’m owed quite a lot of money and need to get it in. If it wasn’t for the money I would walk away. I already have the buzzing in my ears and head and the sheer awkwardness of the person is almost unbelievable. Had I of known how it would be before I took the job on I wouldn’t of done it. Such is my life. Always chasing never catching. Bruce Lee had a saying ‘ don’t ask for an easy life, ask instead for the strength to endure a difficult one’. I often feel that’s true of my own life.
I’ve tried meditating this morning but I can’t slow the thoughts or even just let them go. I’m concerned that the last episode isn’t fully over yet and could rear its ugly head again too. So much going on inside and outside. Yet still I try to reach out and help others. I think at times I get somewhere but at others I think it’s pointless. It must be in my nature to help. I need to get away from some things in life. Stress caused by others being one. We have an opportunity to rent 3 acres of land and I have ideas as to what I would like to do with some of it. My wife would like to use some to have the pony on and she has also been offered a horse on loan if she wants it. I’m torn because I know it will be so amazing but I also know I can get caught up and fixated on things like this so easily. I spoke with her about my concerns and the right thing to do is talk to the owners and see how much we really can do and explain my ideas to them. I’m always fearful of crashing and burning out. This has such great potential though. I guess my paranoia is thinking it could be too good to be true but also my ideas can run away with me too. Cautious mindfulness needed.