Yesteday morning I woke up about an hour before normal with huge anxiety. I’d say the anxiety woke me. I napped until I did get up. I felt agitated and edgy. Doom and gloom were all I could hint about scenarios playing on my mind of countless things going wrong. Maybe in part this was because our car had the brakes fail on it a couple of days ago and I knew I’d have to get it fixed and also do the school run which meant less time at work and also needing to get money in to pay to fix the car. It got worse when my daughter refused to go to school and I ended up going to work even later. Nothing felt good. I tried hard to question my thinking and to reassure myself but my thoughts were dark. Very dark for a short while. Everything seemed dark. My wife messaged about half an hour after I got to work to say our daughter would now go to school so I came home and took her. She cried on the way and I reassured her it would be OK while feeling like my mental health affects everyone around me and upsets their own feelings. I got back to work and was going to cancel my drumming lesson as I felt I couldn’t face it. All I could think about was my earlier life and some things which had got to me and affected me back then. So many situations that were tricky at the time. They all hit me and I didn’t fight back as such but kept questions my thinking. After a while it got better. I honestly felt like I was getting unwell again. I have noticed that I’m on Facebook a bit more again, although still sticking to my rules, and I’m obsessing about my YouTube channel and views on my videos. The feelings and anxiety passed and I’m glad they did. It won’t be the last time I have things crop up and the more therapy I have the more I will have to deal with.
I did go drumming and I took my son fishing afterwards too.
I survived again.