Today has been a struggle so far. I’m knackered. I’m tired and I’m worn out. I’ve got a pain in my chest, just strain I think, and it hurts. The last few days so much of my life has cropped up and it all feels like circles within circles. I know that it’ll soon be the second anniversary of the death of my dad and I know deaths and other dates can be triggers for me so I’m also conscious of that too. Being level has made me realise how utterly shit and even horrific it is being unwell with bipolar. When I’m hypomanic I think it’s fantastic. When I’m manic I don’t know what the fuck I think and can’t remember much of it either. I want to stay level. I have so much life to live still. It’s so easy for those who don’t have bipolar to assume what it might be like but I don’t think even a good explanation is good enough. I need to keep within certain parameters of ‘wellness’ so that I can keep my focus on my business and my food growing, which I want to do even more of. I know this time last year I was seriously unwell with pneumonia and also mentally unwell. I know that often things go in loops and circles so I’m quite aware that some of, if not all, what I’m feeling is that and I know it will pass. It’s the fatigue that’s getting me. It’s fucking tiring and my focus isn’t as good as I want it to be. I’m still not fighting whatever it is although I can’t fully relax into it either. It is and that’s all it is.
