I’m high. I’ve been high for over a week now and it’s getting to feel good but it’s a struggle too. I’m at the agitated stage where people easily piss me off. I’m finding others too slow, too needy, to loud, too much. I’ve realised that often when I’m high I’m not writing as much down here either. I guess I gloss over the cracks. I’m feeling like life isn’t real and that I’m in a game. I’ve got to figure out who’s trying to help me and who is trying to hinder me. I’m not sure who to trust at the minute. My wife seems like she should have my best interests at heart but I feel like she pushes and pulls at me. I know she reads this and will feel bad but I’m just trying to put it all down. I feel others do this too. They put or push their ideals onto me, well fuck it its my life. It’s for me to live. I don’t need telling what to do or think. I might as well just shut down again because as much as people say they want to listen what they really want to do is have ammunition to criticise the fuck out of you. People can fuck off because they piss me off. They can be so pretentious. I hate it. Maybe they see me that way but I just try to be who I am and fully myself. Back on the treadmill today as usual. Put the jolly mask on and go prostitue myself for money for my business. What most people don’t see is that the clown or joker can be all smiles but screaming inside. ROAR. Everything is too loud. I’ve had some halucinations this last week too. I daren’t tell too many people though because they either think I’m a fucking nutter or they don’t take any notice. I think I really do need to go back to the doctors. Although they’re useless wankers too. Fuck everyone. I’m going to be who I am and proud of it. And still I keep even more inside. Tick tick tick.
It’s Monday. I’m anxious as usual. I’m still pretty high and will use it to my advantage. I know what I’m doing this week and look forwards to some good productivity. I’m a bit vague though. That’s ok. I can live with that.
I had 6 pints of cider yesterday and I enjoyed it but didn’t get too drunk. Lofe is good even though I’m so tired now. Tired but wired. I did manage a good nights sleep last night. It’s always good to sleep well. I’m not sure exactly how much I’ll get done this week but I’ll just enjoy the week ahead with no pressures.
Well it’s Friday night already. The aliens are here in the light bulb in the bathroom with me. They’re making the bulb fizzle and flicker. Or the spirits even. I’m in the bath. I’ve been on the go so much today it’s been unreal. It’s so cool. I’m superb and life is very good. I’ve had so much energy today even after 4-5 hours sleep it’s unreal. I love it.
The seeds we planted are growing through. I’m amazed at how exciting it is. All of this tiny plant life peeping through the soil/earth. It’s amazing. Awe inspiring. A tiny plant that’s 1/2″ tall will grow and feed us for maybe 2 or more meal times. All from a minuscule seed. Life is so beautiful and wonderous. It’s a blessing. I’m blessed. Things are good. Life is good. I like my life, in fact I love it. I love it lots. I’m awesome.
It’s Thursday already. My week is flying by at a fast rate. My thoughts are still pretty fast. I slept well last night after working an 11 hour day. I’ve realised that I’ve got lots of tension in my body and my ears are still ringing. I’ve still got my cough too. They always linger and even if it’s still kicking about next week I’ll start working out again. I’m missing working out to a degree but not in other ways because I don’t seem to have the time for working out. I’m busy. I’d better eat breakfast. I need to check the weather too. I’ve got lots to do at work today and I’m going to be very proactive.
Yesterday was one of those days which was beautiful and crazy. I am on a high. I forgot how good this feels and how awesome I am. I’m immortal but don’t tell anybody. This world is my world. My thoughts create reality. I am all that is and ever was.
Yesterday was a really productive day. I got lots done at work. I also managed to hit myself in the face with pliers just below my eye. Oh well. Then 10 minutes later I hit my head with the loft ladder I’d just fitted. I’m alright though. I’m magic. So today I am rearing to go. I’m going to have beans on toast soon and get today fired up fully. I’ve got so much energy I could pop. I’ve out off working out because as much as it can balance me it can se d me higher too because it makes me feel so good. I really want to work out though. I need to be careful that I don’t wind myself up even more over it. I started doing my VAT last night. I need to finish it tonight. I’ll not have lots to pay because I’ve not turned over lots due to depression. I’ve not realised how low I had been until I went up. Roll on hotter weather. Although my hormones rage when it’s sunny. Roar. I’m so good and feel so good it’s all good. Good good.
In life there are people who hold us back. Let the fuckers go. Send them away. Don’t let them in. People hate others who are doing well. Not all people but often lots of people. I could counb a mountain. Maybe I should. I need to get out more in life.
Breakfast time mother fuckers.
Yesterday I had lots of anxiety. Nothing unusual there. I’m often anxious. It felt worse than normal and I couldn’t work out why I was anxious either. I had my drumming lesson last night and didn’t feel like going. I felt a bit sick in my stomach and had a headache but before I left I had a glass of water and once there it was a great lesson. Fantastic lesson actually. I got home feeling good but hungry. All good so far. Then at bedtime I needed to pee quite a bit. I couldn’t remax fully and it was about 1am or later before I turned the light off. Even then I was wide awake. I forced myself to lay down and did sleep. I woke about 5:30am and feel good. I’m anxious again this morning. I think I’m going sky high. I don’t know. I’m so unsure. Until later gets here I won’t know. I’ll try forcing myself to sleep earlier tonight. If I can. At least last night I kind of relaxed while in bed although I did come over cold at one point and shook quite hard while in the toilet. I don’t know where this is heading but I need to keep both eyes on it and fully aware too. I’m a bit fearful too. I could do with the energy of a high but not the shittyness of it.
It’s Monday again already. I’ve not written for a few days. I can’t remember when I last did. Is this yet another thing I’m forgetting to do? I hope not.
I’m anxious this morning. I don’t know why because there’s no need to be. Maybe I’m building false pressures on myself. I often do. I know what I need to do today and it’s straightforwards too plus the weather is going to be nice. Yet I feel anxious.
I had some strange dreams last night. I dreamt that my wife and I had separated and I couldn’t get in touch with her. I went to a pub in the village I used to live too. I also met up with 2 old friends who I don’t see anymore and they tried getting me involved in something I wanted no part in. I’m sure this all lead to the anxiety or certainly is part of it. My life seems to revolve around fears. It never used to. Just when I think that I’m on a good level anxiety and fears creep in. I feel tearful for no reason. I fear I’m going high. I like being high but at the same time being level forever doesn’t sound so bad. I read about a Chinese man who lived to be 256 years old. He was congratulated by the government and they knew when he was born. He lived a simplistic life of Qi Gong, wandering the local mountains and a diet of herbs etc. I wish I could live a life like that. I over complicate my own at times and now avoid so many things so as to try to keep some control. Control that I can’t always have. I have learnt however to let others take over at times and when I can or do I find, mostly, that I am relaxed. Yet I struggle with it because of paranoia, paranoia that they’re trying to take over me and who I am etc. I’m not sure I’m able to put it down in words as well as I could. At least I’m trying I guess. Through trying I guess I am helping to see it and understand it. I don’t know. Others tell me I cope so well and that I do well, yet at times I feel like Atlas carrying the world on my shoulders. I feel like I’m so very weak and that I could break at any minute. Maybe I’m already broken.
So many things influence me now that really shouldn’t. I’ve remembered that I watched a documentry about WW2 and the human experiments of Unit 723 or whatever it was called last night. I think that’s affected me too! Where does it end. I guess I should be so so aware of not watching these things but then that would mean I am denying some understanding of what humans have done.
I don’t know anymore. I am that I am.
Friday has come around pretty quickly once again. I’m a little anxious today about getting a few things done. I’m not sure why as it’s been a good week so far. I think I need to kick back a little and try to just take it as it comes. It’s funny how the anxiety creeps up so quickly, almost like it comes from nowhere. I’m tired of chasing the £££££’s. It’s never ending. We need to buy land and get off grid with an Eco home asap. Loose the mortgage and clear all debts. The banking world is just a huge Ponzi scheme and we can never be free of it until we all unite and say enough is enough. There really is no need for inflation or increases in value of property etc other than to keep up with fractional reserve banking. I know I normally write about other things but this is very important. £1000 paid into a bank in cash can be loaned out as £10,000 or possibly £20,000. The loaned out money doesn’t exist. It’s just credits. It’s not real. Look into ‘fractional reserve banking’ yourselves and you’ll be shocked. Normally I try not to write directly to anyone reading this but I know there are well over 1,000 subscribers and I feel it’s important.
So anxiety creeps upon me once again. It chews away at my stomach. I want to be able to relax in life. I’m making plans to start going off grid bit by bit. We are starting with growing our own food and will go from there onwards. I’d certainly like PV panels etc too. We have a well in the garden and I’ll try uncovering it asap and see if I can get the water tested. The greenhouse is getting fixed up too so that’s good. Little by little we will get there. I’m pretty sure it will help my mental state too being much more self sufficient and not spending so much money.
I’m feeling pretty good about the day ahead. I know what I’m doing and where and I’m looking forwards to it too. It’s going to be a nice day here with good weather. I’ll crack on and get as much done as I can. I’ve lots of work on so things are good. I think I prefer to be busy rather than ticking over. I know the stress can get to me but I cope with that most of the time. It is a fine balance though. Very fine at times and can often slip the wrong way.
I can only do what I can do and at times it’s almost too much but when I feel good I try to compensate. Again that’s a fine line too as it can get too much and then I burn out after doing 80 hour weeks. I guess I really need to find that balance point. I try hard to get there. I will get there. I need to.
Tiday has been superb. Really great. My children and I have been trying the garden and getting set out for raised beds. We’ve had a kind of picnic lunch in the garden too. Then when my wife came home we had a bonfire to get rid of some old plant matter and a stump and had chips by the fire. I’m feelibg energised and superb. I am ironman. I’m superman too. Life is beautiful. I’ve not long been in because I built the bonfire up and sat out there looking at the stars, the sky, the fire and it’s orange, yellow, red and blue flames and feeling alive. I’m invigorated and I’m good. Life doesn’t get much better than having a wonderful day with great family.