it’s Sunday at 11:17 and I’m still not feeling great. I’ve been coughing up blood a little the last 2 mornings. I lauded in until 8:10 and didn’t get out of bed until about. 9:30.  I’m still not dressed and will have a bath soon. 

I had mild hallucinations this morning but that’s ok. I’m still mulling over things in my mind. So much of my past needs dealing with. Things I started in my alchemy and magic that are yet to be completed. I needed the mental gap to grow and now I’m ready to return, although I won’t work in my lab until my health is fully recovered. Not because of the materials themselves but my influence over the materials. Perfect health for perfect works. 

My circadian rhythm is way out at the minute. I’m off food a fair but too. I’ve dropped to just over 14 stone now where as a week ago I was maybe 14 stone 9-10lbs. I know the weight will go  back on once I start working out again, which I’m not doing while not feeling great. 

Life is what it is. Im feeling pretty balanced at the moment although I’m very finely tuned too right now. Work is very busy and that had its own stress  at the minute too. 

I was up at 6 as usual but since the virus tearlike this week vid had a nasty cough. This morning I started coughing up a little blood. I’m pretty sure I’m ok though. I had pneumonia 8 years ago exactly now. Since then my lungs aren’t too bad but a cough can make me cough up blood. 

Ive been visiting other worlds astrally again recently and things are getting stronger. I’ve found a close tie that I will explore further too. Lots of my past esoteric workings are coming back up, lots of things left unfinished are starting to get finished. Physical things are coming up too. I’m going to get back in my alchemical lab and make some herbal elixirs etc too. It’s all pretty crazy and I guess when I read back it’ll make more sense to me. I’m pretty certain I now know where my oath lays and where I’m heading too. Enough for now. Life is life. 

I’m starting to think I’m going up, going down. Possibly one or the other, possibly both at once. I’ll see what happens but I’ve seen some triggers/warning signs. I’m getting up early still but going to sleep later. I’m feeling a little stressed and wired too. I’m still not fully 100% back to full health after a virus either. Oh well I will be whatever I will be. 

I haven’t filled my diary in either pretty much all week. Partly because of being unwell and partly because everything has been building up. How can my life get so complicated so quickly ?

It’s Thursday and I’m almost human again. Work has been hard work but that’s ok. I’ve felt ‘out’ of myself a bit these last few days. I’m coming back inside now though. 

I’m home from work. I came home earlier and had a snooze for about 1 3/4 hours as I didn’t sleep well last night. I had a high temperature on and off mixed in with feeling freezing. I think I must of been fighting demons again. It’s been a while. I’m starting to feel a bit better now. Last night I was hallucinating. I didn’t mention it to anyone at the time, but I knew I was. When I get physically ill I try to go inside the virus and work through it like that. I kind of embrace it. Anyway I’m getting better. I just hope I don’t get too hot tonight. 

I’m unwell today

I’ve woken this morning to a sore throat but I’m feeling good. I’ll live.  Ive not got the usual Monday morning feelings. I’m feeling pretty ok. Life’s good.  

Late to bed and early up. I had a snooze in the afternoon and so I didn’t go to sleep early. Not sure how that pans out today. I’ll see how my day goes. 

today’s feelings are tired, pissed off and tired. Today I struggled to get up. That’s unusual. If it rains I might not do much work. I need the rest. It’s getting too much now working 6 days per week and 8-12 hour days. Fuck it all. It can all go take a jump off a cliff. A big jump off a big cliff. I’m tired of chasing my arse to get money in. I’m tired of the apprentice always falling short of the mark and leaving me with more to do. He needs to pull his finger out of his backside and pull his socks up. It’s too much of a mental drain telling him the same things day in day out, week in week out for the last 3 years. It’s time he had some get up and go and time he stood on his own two feet and could be left doing things. I’ve realised that I can’t leave him for a week to get on with things which also mean I can’t take a week off and leave him. Not unless I pay him and he does bugger all. 

I keep talking about making changes to my life but always seem to be doing the same shit all the time. 

I’m ok ish this morning but far from my best. I’ve deleted my Facebook account , which I do when I feel like this, so as to not post anything I’m might not like later and to stop myself being negative on it.  When I’m on there and I’m feeling like this I’m sure that their algorithms pick up on it and send stuff my way that’s not the happiest stuff. Anyway I’m off for a bit until I feel better. 

I’m concerned that I’m heading a bit downwards. I’m tired and am feeling like I need lots of sleep. If it rains later and I can’t get on I will try to catch up on my sleep so that I don’t feel worse. 

My apprentice is off again today with hayfever. I get bad hayfever but have never had a day off. Maybe he needs to man the fuck up a bit. I will have to dock his pay. That’s 4 days he’s had off in the last 2 weeks now. I think I’ll start getting behind at this rate!

I need to go eat some breakfast as I’m hungry now.  People piss me off.