All posts by darrenmundi

A builder in the UK

Starting to feel stressed

Starting to feel a little stressed and this time the trigger has been the lad who works for me chipping a £3,000 fireplace. I’m not sure it notices or not but it’s stressing me out. Oh dear. I`m not sure what to say about it at all. I guess everyone makes mistakes.

At least I know what can trigger me off I guess. I`ve just tried to skip myself into a better mood but couldn`t get a good rhythm going. I`ll try again in a moment.

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall to knock some sense into myself! Why am I beating myself up over this? Why?

Watching thoughts and thinking

I’ve realised how much more aware I am of watching my thoughts and sometimes I can change a mood if I notice it tailing off. I can’t always do this, but the more I’m aware of my thoughts and feelings the more I am becoming aware of my thought patterns and any triggers. I’m not sure there are always triggers that I can notice yet, but I’m working on it. Constant work. When I’ve nosedived quickly, uncontrollably, I’ve had slight hallucinations. Nothing bad but slight visual distortions. 

life seems a constant work in progress for me and just when I think I’ve reached a comfortable level it tails off again and I have more work to do. At least now I feel I’m progressing. I’m not sure it will be like that for long but maybe it will. Maybe I’m through the worst? Life certainly throws things at me and depending on how I feel it affects on my reaction if I react at all. At least for now I’m doing ok.

A normal ish day

It’s been a pretty normal day today. I’ve had some good energy flowing through, which has been great. I exercised for around 20 minutes tonight. I did skipping and some free form strength training with objects in my garden. That made me feel pretty awesome at the time. I figure exercise, meditation, Qigong and diet are my keys to feeling reasonably settled. It’s good to have a day with no tail offs or crashes.

Triggers for moods

It’s not always easy trying to figure out what causes mood shifts or swings. I have noticed that I get hot or warm when I first get into bed to go to sleep if I’m feeling stressed. I’m not sure if the heat is caused by stress which causes adrenaline to be released or if the heat is a sign that I’m becoming stressed and I can back off from some things to help balance me. Either way it happens and I get stress which causes me to drop off the edge and nose dive.  I’m quite aware of it now so I can try to act on it although its not always possible. I guess sometimes I’ve nosedived too fast to get out of the hole.

I’m learning things all of the time. I just wish I could stay in the highs rather than drop into the depths. Well the highs without the mistakes that I make and without being an idiot and overly cocky. I love the confidence that comes with it though! I wonder what a ‘normal’ person thinks or feels on a day to day basis. Maybe I’d rather not know though!

Circadian rhythms

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and got up. It seems like I’m getting up or waking up a bit earlier each day or week. Maybe I’m getting more in tune with my natural circadian rhythms. I’ve read that it’s really good to keep to a good life rhythm. I’m certainly levelling off a little mood wise lately. 

It’s funny how I’m finding it a little harder to think of things to say now that I’m on a kind of level plane. Maybe that’s something else I’ve overlooked over the years.  I think before I didn’t actually think about writing my thoughts before it kind of just flowed. It’s all a learning curve. 

I’m keeping a diary now of my eating, sleeping and moods. I used to keep a dream diary but never thought to see if my moods affected my dreams or vice versa. Maybe I should include my dreams too when I remember them. I guess the more I write my life down the more I’ll understand any triggers or patterns in my life that lead to highs or lows.

I’m very aware of my moods lately and how they can change several times in a single day. I’m wary though of over reading things. I guess life is a huge lesson.

Normal…

I’m feeling what I class as normal now and to be honest it’s pretty boring. It’s good, but boring. Maybe I’ve yoyo’d so much lately that I can’t appreciate normal thinking fully at the minute. It does have a good purpose though and it helps me function pretty well, which I need what with running my own business.  I guess it’ll do for now.

Maybe I’m starting to settle a bit again now I’m exercising regularly and doing daily qigong and meditations again. I guess I need routine far more than I’ve ever realised, well at least since living with my wife who doesn’t like to stick rigidly to routine! Before I used to bodybuild so I kept to a very strict diet and exercise schedule. I was extremely strict about what I ate and when I ate it.

Life is good and I love my life most of the time. Like I said above right now I feel pretty normal which although dull it doesn’t feel like it will hurt me. Last week I has a few moments of suicidal thoughts and feelings. When I drop right off I get very low very fast. Although I get low enough to feel suicidal my inner voice creeps in, a bit of cbt training, and reminds me that it will all be ok. In fact my inner voice has helped me out like that through some very dark tough times. Long may it continue doing so.

Lovely start to the day

It’s a lovely start to the day here. Very beautiful. I woke at 6:30, so I guess I had a lay in!

I’m finding routine suits me very well, although I don’t like to be too rigid.  It’s good to be able to bend a little bit, much like a young sapling blowing in the breeze. I’ve meditated twice and also done some qigong this morning. I guess my normal routine is out by 1 hour, not so bad.

Im still feeling pretty clear headed, although I do have lots of get up and go. If my energy starts to rise too much I go outside and skip and use the punchbag To control it a bit. I do love the highs though. Maybe too much.

I guess at least I know myself fully

Are we all lonely at heart?

Are we all lonely at heart? Do we all feel alone even when surrounded by others? Do we all shit our emotions away or behave in ways that ‘society’ deems acceptable only because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do?  Why ? I wonder why. I have so many questions. How do other people think or feel really?

Clarity

I had a moment of absolute clarity last night whilst reading in bed. I sat there and was fully present. I think I’ve not been that present since being on retreat at the end of January. Sitting here typing I feel pretty present too. I’ve been doing mind exercises for over a year using CBT techniques to be more present. Also the meditations I’ve done for years will of helped too. I guess I need to just keep going with it all.

It’s good to feel clarity again. I’m not sure I’d call it normal because most normal people are caught up in monkey mind.

I’m reading a book on working through Techniques to help control Cyclothymia, it’s called ‘ The Cyclothymia workbook’  so far it’s pretty good. It’s suggested keeping charts of moods, emotions, sleep etc. I already have started a diary covering it along with exercise and diet too. Anything to keep some clarity.

Stigma and struggle

There’s a lot of stigma attached to any mental health issue. I think it’s because most people don’t understand their own mind and can’t comprehend thinking about how someone might think differently from them. I would say its a struggle for them to know how to act or be around someone with I mental health concerns. Isn’t it funny how we use that word ‘act’. We all act according to situation or the people we are around, from herd mentality to solitary mentality. Maybe some people just don’t want to understand.

I guess we are all different and some just don’t understand how different others can be. Maybe that’s why people rely on organised religion to give them a moral code to live by as its easier to behave in set ways and patterns. It’s funny how most organised religions teach tolerance but yet some religious zealots are very bigoted. That’s life I guess!

Maybe we all need to understand and respect each other more in this life and world.