I feel like every time I go forwards a little a big hill gets in the way. Is it really worth the effort to keep pushing forwards? Is there another way to go about it all? Why does it always have to be such a drain?
I`ve been on the go all day going fast trying to get lots of things done. I think I felt a little high today too. I skipped twice this morning and then again a short while ago after getting home from work. I felt that I had a little energy that I needed to use up to be able to settle down. I feel a little tired now but I`ve still got lots of get up and go!
What will tomorrow bring? I guess I will need to wait and see how my energy levels are. I certainly feel like I`m on the rise again…
I also feel much more myself than I have for quite a while. I don`t think I had realised how low I had felt until I have started coming out of it. I know my thoughts were still going a thousand miles per hour even though I felt low. I also felt really really negative too, maybe more than I dare to type here just yet. Maybe another time when I feel really good I will not be afraid to share how low my thinking can get and my thoughts too.
Life is very rich and beautiful in so many ways but yet so hard in others. I find I am always trying to get a balance, but never quite getting there. In the past my family would be a priority but work would suffer or vice versa, never a balance, ever. Maybe I will never get there and that is something I will just have to face and live with.
I have known for a long while that my thinking is different but until really recently I had not realised how different. I assumed everyone had the same way of thinking and the same kind of thoughts!
I woke up about 5:30 again this morning. I feel like now we are heading into spring my body is coming fully alive again. I think I may be very in tune with the cycles of the seasons as well as everything else. I know that I can get a little manic anytime of the year. I have just done 2 skipping sessions and Qigong and meditation to help settle all the energy that I have flowing now, otherwise I think I might go a little potty.
I am still yet to start a diary of my day to day life as I can`t decide if I need a proper diary or if just an A4 note pad will do, too indecisive! I guess it will happen when it happens.
I am again feeling pretty present this morning, much like yesterday, although yesterday my day tailed right off. I am having some minor memory loss but I think it is coming back a bit again. I usually have an excellent memory.
Who knows where we are headed in life.
I woke up this morning at 5:30am and just lay there until I got up at 6:10. I checked emails, then went outside and did some Qigong and meditation even though it is a little frosty.
I`m feeling good. Very good. In fact I`m feeling very productive today and am rearing to go and crack on with the day ahead. I do have a slight reservation though. I know that if something goes a little wrong I could either crash or I can pass it off quickly and move forwards. Both worry me slightly because if I crash from it I will feel setback, but if I pass it off I know I will feel much better and more confident and that my confidence and my ego too will inflate and could take me higher. I think I will try to keep the confidence going and the energy flowing because I need to get through some serious amounts of work to get money in. I feel that I`m a little more in control now I don`t drink coffee or eat anything sugary as they would send me higher than a rocket and I used to use them as a crutch to elevate my work levels. Hopefully now when I get tired I know I`m getting tired and start to back off a little. Little steps. I want to do some punchbag work and skipping when I get home later so I can burn any excess energy off.
I’ve not written since Friday.
Yesterday it took until 1:06pm until I realised I actually felt quite present. The morning head spent with racing thoughts, at times quite aggressive thoughts, thoughts of feeling down and feeling a little like a victim too.
I’ve realised that when I am very present I feel how I imagine most people feel most of the time, human. When I’m feeling good I feel superhuman, when I’m feeling down I feel like the scum of the earth and worthless. I liken this to high ritual magic and the seeking of conversation with ones holy guardian angel.
what is it to feel human or for that matter to be human?
I’be been a vegetarian for over 8 months, almost vegan, coffee free and alcohol free for that long too. I think that has helped me start to come to terms with how my mind is slightly different. I feel like I have more control now too, to a degree. Meditation and Qigong have helped hugely. I’ve meditated for years and years now. The more I meditate the more I start to understand myself. I seek enlightenment in this life too. Maybe by understanding myself much more I get much closer to it.
life never ceases to amaze me in both respects.
It’s 6:50am here and I went to sleep later than usual last night and have been up over an hour already. I’m feeling anxious about the day ahead. I’m very aware of the need to earn money and especially the need to organise a van very soon. I s chatted through with my wife and have decided not to hurry into a decision about fixing my van or buying a new one either. Usually when I rush a decision it can backfire in some ways, it hurts when it happens too, so much so it can feel like the world is ending and I then put even more pressure upon myself which speeds the drop off even more. It’s all a waiting game.
I consider myself a lucky person most of the time and things have a way of coming along exactly when needed. Sometimes I just push too much and can screw with that a bit. This time I need to let nature take its course and bring the right thing to me. It’s not easy though.
I usually like to be fully in control. I guess it’s one of my coping methods. I usually feel like I have to be the strong person and that can really take its mental toll. The few times when I have surrendered to letting others be fully in charge has brought about relief and nice new experiences in the end, but it’s very hard to allow that to happen. Sometimes it can be hard because I can get paranoid about how things will pan out, but as Bill Hicks said ‘Life is just a ride’ www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0
I have a saying, `nothing is real, everything is possible`
When I first started my own business things were pretty good but the longer I have been in business the more it would seem that people take longer to pay their bills. I always seem to be owed several thousand pounds. I do make sure that I have terms and conditions on my invoices stating that I own all materials until the invoice is paid in full. I have even heard of tradesmen going and removing things that they have fitted because a bill hasn`t been paid.
I have realised that people now expect even more for their money and think that they can take longer to pay too. Hopefully things will change soon!
I have learned never to be afraid to phone people and ask about where the payment is. If they owe you it then you shouldn`t be worried about asking for it. I have certainly had to harden up over the years. Some people ask how much they owe as you are finishing and others seem to want to wait until you have to ask for payment. Sometimes I feel like going around there and taking out what is mine. I guess there is a fine line between what is considered reasonable and what is considered threatening.
I’m feeling much better than I did earlier. I’m still without a van, which is affecting my work a lot. I’m not sure if I should buy another van or lease hire one instead. I can’t make a snap decision like I normally would as they usually backfire on me.
Sometimes I wish the world was much easier on everyone, that everyone actually could get on and help each other out. Instead it’s all about profit. Why do we care so much about costs and profits rather than if fellow man is ok? Why do we hoard so many ‘things’ ? Does it make us better people? Possessions don’t make you a good or a bad person. Being human does. Why can’t we all just be nice ?
i guess the world is just imperfect and won’t change in a hurry.
Up early again this morning and not sure what to do at all. My van that broke down yesterday is going to cost stupid amounts of money to get fixed that its probably not worth fixing. As usual I`m owed money and can`t afford another van either.
I really don`t know what to do right now
After having my van breakdown today my mind was all over the place and racing away trying to figure out the best solution to the issue. I wasted most of the day getting organised with getting it recovered and taken to the garage.
Once that was organised I decided to get the punchbag and skipping rope out. What a huge relief exercise is for my mind! I feel like I’m on a good level again now and I guess I’ll have to cope with whatever comes my way, like iI always do.
I used to bodybuild years ago and always loved the feeling in my mind and body. In fact bodybuilding, in part, led me to using visualisation and meditation, which I honestly believe frees oneself from monkey mind of all the day to day things and also can help me to be much more present and rounded as a person.