Being an arse

I’m pretty sure most people think I’m an arse hole. I get paranoid that people talk about me behind my back or I try to figure out what they might be saying.  I tear away at myself with false or made up conversations in my head. I imagine scenarios and arguments. I feel the pain I would feel if they remarked badly towards me. I tear myself apart badly at times, while on the outside I look normal or happy. People confuse me.

I always feel like I have to be a strong person, the one who people talk to. That has led to more suffering internally. It’s hard to show emotion or to show that I’m not altogether all of the time. I don’t think anyone understands me. My head has pain quite often, physical pain. Pressure too.

its hard to know how honest to be with people, I wear a mask most of the time. I honestly have considered the life of a hermit ora monk, living fully in solitude. Does everybody feel like I do? On the surface most people don’t seem too bad, maybe we all wear masks and maybe it’s time we all removed them and removed the blindfolds that we wear too!

Maybe the world would be a better place.

Head spinning

My head is spinning. I just had a call from the estate agents saying they have a viewing for our house tomorrow, if we are happy with that.   In a manic moment last year I got our house valued and both my wife and I were surprised at the value, so I decided that we should sell it and buy land and build an eco house. If we do that we will be pretty much mortgage free. I talked my wife around in the end, she was quite right in that I pushed ahead and didn’t stop to think.  We had interest before Christmas but no offers. we had talked about staying where we are for now to keep some stability, but what if we get offered a really good price perspective buyer?

My mind is racing and I’m not sure what the right thing would be to do. Go with our dream of building out own house and possibly being mortgage free, but with the stress involved and the fact it could take a long while or go wrong, or stay in a safe place but put our ideals behind us fora while.

When I put the house on the market I was in a full confident, manic, immortal, indestructible mind set..

The point

I started this blog to keep a track of my thinking. The point is/was to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure that I can fully write it all just yet, but I’m gaining the experience and gaining the understanding. I fear I might write too much or write too darkly. At times my thoughts can get really dark.

I guess the point is that it’s my own record, my ‘diary’ if you like. I’m talking to myself, my future self here. Maybe some advice that the really crap times do get better and the great times do tail off is good advice? Maybe I know myself already?  Sometimes I have absolute clarity and others I wallow in self loathing and self pity. Mostly I rise up, maybe too high, if that’s possible. I wish that I could get to my highest, most inspired levels and remain there. I have so much energy, so much passion that if I could live there all of the time enlightenment would be an easy reach. Maybe it is already an easy reach but I tie myself up every time I get almost there.

Enlightenment is the goal of where I am headed, my life’s goal, along with transcending death and achieving the rainbow body, leaving no remains even. I guess I can only keep going forwards and learning more.


Wondering about the day ahead

Up at 5:45am again.  I’m getting used to getting up early. I was later going to sleep too. I’m wondering what today will bring. I’ve already meditated and done my Qigong.

So far I’m feeling kind of numb/normal. I find it strange to not feel emotions much at times and then feel everything good when rising and feel everything bad when dropping off. I feel like a yoyo or a orebody lim swinging from one side to the other, never resting in the middle. Would I even want it to rest in the middle? I don’t honestly know.

Just a thought, but is everything worth the hassle or internal conflict? I’m not sure I have a choice or if I have a way to stop it. I certainly try being very aware, very present.

Head hurts

My brain is hurting. It’s the front part. Physical pain.  I think my mood is slipping a bit, I felt angry and aggressive a little whole ago. Hard to explain it.  Sometimes if I feel angry or aggressive I go and skip if its early. I use the punchbag too.  I get vicious thoughts in my mind.  We had a rabbit and she had babies. The babies disappeared and then a few days later our rabbit did too. We used to let them have the run of our garden.  They occasionally went into the field out the back and possibly our neighbours too.  Our neighbour mentioned something once about our rabbit or chickens. My wife feels certain that he poisoned them.  When I feel angry I wonder if he did poison them, if I found out he did and I got angry I fear that he might end up being my punchbag. I love animals and I hate people who poison or maim them.

i don’t like feeling angry.

Slight anxiety

I’ve realised that I’m slightly anxious again. It’s always over crazy things.  Why do I the myself in knots so much? I must be crazy?

why do I get anxious and paranoid and then start to think about it all even more? I just can’t I understand it.

Feeling really good

Up at 5:50 this morning but awake quite a bit earlier. I`ve lots of energy flowing and am feeling very good. I am the best I can ever be right now, maybe I`ll get better still though! I feel invincible, immortal and today I have lots I want to get done and achieve.

I think that exercise is a real key to keeping me on a good level. In fact I think exercise, meditation, Qigong and herbal tinctures prepared spagyrically can have massive benefits to a human body. Too many people overlook all of the available alternative treatments to any ailment. I am not saying chemical medication doesn`t have a place because is really does, I had pneumonia nearly 8 years ago, but we overlook the older forms of keeping mind and body in check.

Its so easy to see everything in a good light when I feel this good.


I feel I should write a little about my feelings of the world. My views if you will.  I live an esoteric lifestyle and don’t adhere to any religion in particular, although I live a pretty Buddhist lifestyle I guess.  I’m vegetarian, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol. I try not to think bad thoughts, not easy that one. I try to be kind.  I think if we could all just be kind to each other the world could and would change.  Look at the stigma a mental illness caries with it. If we were kind to everyone then maybe everyone could start to understand each others problems.  I’m a strong believer in the power our thoughts carry, but if someone tells me to cheer up or stop being so down etc I feel like saying to them when they have a cold or broken bone etc to just think they’re well and it’ll be sorted.  Mental illness is so badly understood.

I live an alternative lifestyle I guess.  I meditate often, I do Qigong, I’ve been on a solitary retreat. Actually it was whilst on a solitary retreat that I started taking a good long hard look at myself. I guess it’s what led me to question myself and my mental health deeper. Maybe it even helped me start to take some control, to a degree!  I guess a retreat, especially a solitary retreat, isn’t for everyone or even a good idea for everyone.

Mostly I feel that I’m blessed by the way my brain works. I honestly see it as a good thing. The down feelings hurt like hell and even my brain can ache at times but I guess it’s about balance.

I used to fear loosing my mind when I get old, but maybe I need to let all of my fears just go.  Life scares me when I’m low, but exhilarates me when I’m feeling high or good.

I fear being too honest at times, too open. I fear that others just won’t understand me. It’s not that I want attention either, I’ve had people assume I’m an attention seeker.

Oh well I really love being me. Especially at the moment!