My son has woken even earlier this morning. We got up about 5:15am. I think I’ll buy him an alarm clock and set it for 5:30-5:45am and tell him he’s not to get up until it goes off otherwise he will get up earlier and earlier as the summer gets closer! 

I do enjoy being up early, but 5:30 is early enough!  I’m feeling pretty good so far today. I’m not too energetic and my mind isn’t racing. I’m on an OK level I guess. I’m not sure what today has in store. I’ll try to take it as it comes.

I’m starting to unwind. It’s a bank holiday weekend too so no work until Tuesday. Fantastic.  I’ve not had a snooze today which is great as I don’t want to mess my rhythm up. I’m feeling pretty good as well. Long may it last.

My mind is running at a normal pace too. It’s been pretty quick the last few days but I’m getting it back to normal, whatever normal is.

I’ve noticed I’m more energetic this morning, not physically but mentally. I’ll keep an eye on it as I feel quite high. I feel like I’m rising up. I’m inspired and I’m almost bursting with good energy. I don’t want to go too high. I’m going to workout shortly so hopefully that will level me off really nicely. I think I’ve got some pent up stuff that I can push out in my workout. I’m energised.

I might be slightly anxious too I guess. I’ll see. 

I slept pretty well last night. I woke once to use the toilet, it seems I’ve formed a habit of that, and remembered I’d dreamt that I had joined the police. A friend was in the police with me too, very strange. I dreamt we had our first ‘job’ to do and we had both been given a pair of right handed gloves, which I took as some form of Masonic symbology. 

After having used the toilet I went back to sleep and dreamt about various situations where there were lots of sirens and various emergency vehicles. In one dream my wife was in our car and I was on a raised bank above her at our children’s school. I saw and heard five or seven sirens and police and ambulances. I had to climb down the bank to get to her, to descend, and then ask if she’d seen or heard them too.  Quite strange. I’m sure that there’s some symbology in there on a deeper level, from the numbers involved to the ’emergency vehicles’ and the ‘police’. 

I’m looking forward to a productive day ahead. I’m pretty relaxed after my qigong and my meditation this morning.

I’m shattered after a very long day today. This mornings workout was excellent and I’m still feeling good from it. I’m tired though. I’ve had a few moments today where I’ve wondered if I’m about to nosedive or go a bit manic. I’ve noticed a few things.

Yesterday I wasn’t at my best. I saw warnings but couldn’t work it out fully. I ended up going to bed very early. I still woke in the night too. I can’t put my finger on what was wrong but everybody and everything really annoyed me. I was grumpy and pissed off. I was internally aggressive too. Not a good place to be. I was tense and tight.

Today I aim to be on a good level but very aware of things. I’ve been up since 5:30am and have already done a workout. I did back and triceps. It felt good and I’m getting stronger quickly. Life is very good at the moment, apart from last night, and I’m enjoying being me again. I guess I’ll always yoyo.

I’ve noticed quite a few triggers today and tonight. It’s 8:20pm and I’m going to shower and go to bed as I’m not at my best right now. I need to read a bit, meditate a bit and sleep. I’m fearful of tipping over an edge, either down or up. I never thought I’d fear an upward rise, but I do at  the moment because I know of the destruction that it can cause. I’m not feeling understood, so I’ll avoid any possibility of confrontation. Right now people do my head in.

8:42pm and I’m in bed wondering about things. 

I woke in the night only for my mind to start playing out paranoid scenarios. There followed a small battle inside of me telling myself how completely unfounded any of it was only for it to twist even more. Luckily I know things seem worse in the night and luckily I knew some techniques to stop it mostly so I could fall asleep again.  I used some techniques from a book called ‘How to live in the here and now’ by Paul Jones I believe.   Excellent CBT and NLP techniques in it.  I used them to great effect a couple of years ago. At the time I didn’t realise that they’d worked so well or that I’d taken them on board so deeply. I’m glad I did because they were there right when I needed them last night. 

I had some pretty strange dreams after falling asleep again. The most vivid involved having a military attack helicopter land outside a friends house only for the 2 pilots to come to the door with machine guns and get all of the males who were there to go on a mission with them. Various scenarios played out and we then landed on a small island to refuel. There was some kind of battle or war going on. Much like the one in my mind. Very intriguing I must say. Luckily I’m pretty good at remembering dreams. I guess my mind is a constant battlefield !

Ive been up since just before 5:30am and I’m feeling pretty ok now, I didn’t when I got up. Best I get on with the day ahead.

It’s been a strange day today. I’ve been kind of level but not a good level, but not low either. Strange. I’m aware that I possibly noticed some red flags too. For a while I was concerned that I was heading sky high, but I worked out when I got home and it took the edge right off. It brought me down and up both at the same time. 

When my wife and children got home, I was home first, things got tricky as my son started teasing and tormenting his sister. I noticed that I was getting cross and clenching my fists. Luckily in the end I’ve just got him showered and in bed first, which calmed him down. I think he needs some extra sleep as he gets up with me first thing in the morning. He’s a little bit different too, like me. 

I’m relaxing now and might even watch a film. It’s not often that I do that now. Mostly I avoid tv and films because they can affect my sleep and my circadian rhythms. If I go to bed late I can throw myself out of sync, sometimes the film or tv affects my dreams or I get wired. Anyway I usually avoid it. I’m conscious of moon phases too. Over time I’ll be better able to tell if that affects me too. Always more to learn.

It’s Tuesday morning, it’s 6:11am and I’ve been awake since 5:30 or there about’s. I woke a couple of times in the night too. When I got up I started having some paranoid thoughts. Even though they’re always unfounded it doesn’t make them easier to deal with. The thing is that in the past if a paranoid thought has been right and not paranoia it makes for a fuzzy line. I’m not sure if I make my life more difficult than it is or if I just have a difficult life. I’ve been told countless times that I’m too positive. Obviously that’s when I’m feeling pretty high. Do we really make things difficult for ourselves in life? Surely others can and do make things difficult for us too? I know of several people who might do things to be awkward or make things awkward for others too. Maybe we should all try to better ourselves.

I don’t feel as paranoid as I did earlier because I talked things through with myself. It doesn’t always work though! I wonder why I get like this? Maybe, as someone else said, I’m ‘wired’ differently. Oh well….