Well I’m glad that it’s a new week.  I’m back working properly today.  I’ve not slept today and not needed to, nor yesterday.  Normal sleep will resume tonight.  My mood is brighter too.  Last week I was lower than I cared to think about.  Suicidal thoughts crept in a lot.  I just wanted to go to sleep forever.  I tried meditating on what death must be like but my energy was so low I just fell into deep sleep.  I’ve started working out again today.  I need to get my body back in proper shape.  I need to get healthier.  It’ll help my mind too.  I’m just relieved the shittyness was only just over a week.  Thank fuck for it being over.  I’ve even priced some work tonight.  I survive, or at least I have so far.  

This week is flowing by even though I’m not working very much.  I’ve been sleeping lots. I’m getting my usual 7 1/2 – 8 hours a night and 2 or so hours during the day.  I need to start bringing myself back to ‘reality’ again as I’ve lots of pricing and bill making to do.  I’ve had some time for introspection and although not enough it’s made me realise I need to find a decent balance in life again.  Debts won’t disappear on their own and plans need to be in place to help clear them.  I’ve realised I’m getting older. My body has started to give signs of this.  It’s not always doing what I want it too and I’m some ways it’s good but in others it’s bad.  It’s sad too in some ways.  What’s struck me the most is I have no plans for how I’ll survive later in life.  I can’t keep working so hard within the building trade into older age that’s for sure.  So I guess I have to firm decent plans ASAP and that May will mean working even harder short term.  More missing is needed.  I also think that I made a wise decision by taking some time off.  It’s helped me not slip down the slippery mental slope again.   At least not yet.  I guess it’s about self care and self awareness.  Keeping a good track on my own mental state.  If I can continue to keep things pretty good maybe I’ll see about going meds free in a few more months.  It’s taken some time to fully settle after dropping the dose.  I did have a few blips but it seems to of settled back at the level I was at before dropping them a bit.   Who knows. 

I’m tired all of the time.  This week I’ve decided that I’ll do less.  Maybe have a day or two off.  I’ve worked hard lately and maybe it’s catching up with me.  I don’t know.  My dreams have been reflections of the past of late.   I’m off Facebook intermittently again.  Some on there are doing my head in.  Cunts.  Not all.  8 hours sleep a night and about 2 hours during the day.  It’s still not enough.  I wonder what it’s like to sleep forever.   Hay fever is affecting me.  That tired me I do know.  People tire me.  Work tires me.  I need to eat more healthily again.  I’ve been craving rubbish.  I’m almost on top of both allotments and the field.  Fishing isn’t doing it for me.  I hate it at the moment.  Food growing at the field needs to be got on top of.  It’s tricky.  The tree roots are now near the surface as I’ve made the ground fertile.  They’re sucking the goodness, the moisture, the life out of the soil.  Much like my life is being sucked out.  I’m feeling thin, like butter spread  over too much bread.  No second breakfast for me.  Friends online have disappeared.  Friends hahahahaha.  It’s often a one way friendship when I’m here only when needed. 

I’ve been quite tired lately.  Fynn and I have fished quite a lot. Partly because we love it but maybe it’s also been a distraction.  16th May was the 4th anniversary of my dad dying and today is 4 years since his funeral. Life is passing me by so fast.  How long I’ll live or how old I’ll get to I don’t know. My mood has tailed off.  It’s maybe why I’m tired. Who knows. I’m not too interested in much at the minute.  I’ve no idea why I’m writing this either.  

I’ve just started reading a very interesting book about the interconnectedness of trees and how they share sugars, information and so forth through their fungal networks underground and through releasing chemicals into the air when attacked.  I’ve know about this for quite some time but the book was a gift I received last week when at my stepdaughters wedding, which was amazing.  Having read a little I felt memories of my earlier life flood through and into me like a ‘download’ or a jump back in time.  Mostly it involved my mum. It brought up the emotions of those times for myself and made me wonder what she must of felt too.  Memories of going into a toy shop in Oakham, where she moved too, and the play park area there which we used to walk through to go into the town.  Lots of high running emotionally charged feels flooded to the fore.  I wonder how she must of felt each time I stayed with her and when she had to drop me back home in North Norfolk.  It must of been a rollercoaster for her.  The excitement that I was coming to visit followed by the harsh reality that I would be leaving again.  The feelings of knowing she would have to drop me off and drive away and leave me again, like she had when she walked out.  It also hit me that she still did this time and time again.  That even though I sensed it as how she felt it it brought up exactly how I felt each time, dropped off and deserted.  It’s shown me how complicated the early years of my life really were and nothing was ever really explained to me.  It’s shown me yet again why the psychologist added complex PTSD to the bipolar diagnosis.  It’s funny how when things are going well something from the past rears it’s head yet again.  That’s life I guess.  

Nothing gets easier.  It’s a constant push.  Money is always owed to me and I always owe money.  I hate the stress of it.  It’ll be the death of me.  Heart attack or stroke.  Who knows.  It’s ageing me fast that’s for sure.   A constant battle inside and out.  Yet still I know I’m lucky.  Nuts most of the time but lucky.  Nuts I can live with.  

The only thing I can do is to keep moving forwards.  I have to be my own superhero. It’s the only way.  I have to admit I actually do a lot in life even when I’m in inner turmoil. I keep going to work, I have to, and keep an outward look of being ok.  It keeps me going I guess. Everything I do I try to keep doing and keep going.  I try my hardest and it’s all good.  Life can be very shitty but generally it’s pretty cool. It is what it is.  Today I’m glad I’m me and that’s enough. 

Huge anxiety again over several things. I’m still awaiting a payment from someone. There’s a couple of snags on a job that are easily sorted but also one which I can’t get my head around. Money is non existent and I’ve still not paid the mortgage. People think running a business is a money making machine but a very small business is often far from that.  It’s famine and feast with mostly famine.  I’m not sure what I can do to change things as my head isn’t quite right.  I’ve got meds again and am seriously considering going up to a slightly higher dose again.  I’ll see once they kick in again at this dose. Death is strong in my mind in many ways.  A friend phoned last night to check on me.  I’ve not had that happen before.  I’m touched by it.  He’s a good guy.  I’m just not used to it I guess.  I walk a lonely path. Maybe it’s time to broaden that pathway. 

Every time I break or get knocked down I get back up stronger. I mend. I’m resilient. I grow. I find a way back on track.  I will never be beaten fully as long as I have a breath in my body.  I fight and continue to fight.  The older I get the more I realise how fortunate I am in life and how much I’ve learned in life so far.  I wish I could help others more than I do. Maybe one day I’ll find a way and find more strength so I can actively help others.  I don’t know yet but if I can I’ll find a way. Life is what it is and I am lucky to have loving support.  I’m not always easy to be around but when I’m well I try to support people back. A friend checked in on me a few nights ago as he was worried about me and how much I was posting on Facebook about death.  It really meant a lot to me and possibly more than he’ll ever know.  He was right.  I was obsessing with death. I’d been looking at trees again looking at their nice high strong branches which I could hang myself from.  I told nobody about it but it obviously came out online in things.  Luckily it was yet another dip and blip.  It’ll soon be the anniversary of my fathers death and I know this is what has affected me.  I knew beforehand too but it doesn’t stop it happening.  Im a survivor.