I’m still off Facebook. Although tonight I briefly went on to post an update and some photos on a food growing group. I’ve since come off again.  So tomorrow is or would of been my fathers birthday. His 77th. I’m also due to start on a job on a roof tomorrow. Its supposed to be blowing huge gusts but I’ll see. Maybe I need the wildness. It’s a house I’ve worked on before and has some mixed memories with it.  I was at my most unwell before starting there when I renovated it and I also had pneumonia while there along with some better memories too thankfully.  I’m part way into converting the top of a cartshed too. A job I wasn’t due to start yet but due to cercumstances out of my control and a scaffold not up I had to switch things around. Something I did quite easily. A few months ago I’d of panicked that things weren’t how I wanted them to be.  Thankfully I’m doing well now.  Better than I have for years. I can see a future again which is something I couldn’t see not too long ago.  Sometimes we have to live day by day or even hour by hour. Whatever happens we can overcome it. 

What is time really?  We say we’re in 2017 but we don’t know exactly where we are. We say it’s 11th September but that’s only a date created by man. Yes the earth rotates around the sun in about 365 1/4 days but other than that we can say exactly. Dates and religion go hand in hand really. Also astrology/astronomy named the days after the classical heavenly bodies. Hmm.    

  So I’m reading about zero point energy and FTL and it’s pretty intriguing. It’s sounding like the speed of light isn’t the absolute speed limit that we thought it was.  I’m also reading and pondering on space vehicles that could override gravity and travel at phenomenal speeds. Here’s some musings I had earlier and they’re possibly crazy:

 Is Anti gravity is in the world or realm of anti matter? Can anti magnetism work too or opposing magnets? Would or could they work as a propulsion? If there is a way to gather or harvest the universes residual atomic energy can we use it in a space vehicle? Can we make the vehicle out of a material that ‘absorbs’ the energy and then transfer it into propulsion. Can this also then use and protect the vehicle from the Van Allen radiation belts that surround earth? If so can the vehicle be used to travel at FTL velocity by warping space? Could this be a way to help create an Alcubierre drive?    

Who knows where my mind is at but I feel good and I’m resting well. Business is good and things in life are good. I write the above in my notes on my phone and will ponder more about it and possibly add more.  

I’ve been making sure I get 7 1/2 – 8 hours sleep each night this week. Over the weekend I rested lots.  I’m noticing the subtle changes though. I’m noting emotions getting more vivid. Music is affecting them too. I’m possibly being hyper vigilant but maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m headed for a high. It’s due haha. It’s the time of year and it’s a 2 year cycle. What’s also strangely amazing is I’m working in the same place I was 2 years ago and even last year I was working there at this time too.  I know the seasons affect me.  I’m focusing my energy on my life and business. Today is day 3 of being off Facebook.  Yet again I can see how it is a time trap and addiction.  So far while off there I’ve been more switched on and present. I’ve been cooking our evening meal for the last few nights.  I’ve had time to think clearly. I’ve realised I/we can drift from one year to the next but we get closer to our end goals.  I’ve also noticed I’m more focused and that I need quite rigid plans.  That’s one thing I’m looking at implementing again, written plans, for life and work.  

I’m not a wage slave as such as I run a business. I am however a slave to money. A slave to  debt. A slave to credit. I’m constantly trying to push past it.  I’ve realised the last week or so that even if I market garden I know my work as a builder inside out and it’s where I can maybe make the most money for now. Only yesterday someone said I’m at my peak as I’m still young and fit and at my earning premium. He said I should milk the cash cow that is my business and not be afraid to charge properly for my services. Confidence, or lack thereof, has affected how i price work and what I charge. It’s time to release those shackles and to get my confidence back. Real confidence not some shitty bipolar false confidence. I guess this is another facet of recovery.  Recover now there’s a word. I’ve had some blips lately. I’m tired that’s for sure and I’m being strict again over my sleep patterns. It’s funny that I’m tired now I’m getting more sleep. I think my body is relaxing now from so much that’s been pent up inside for the last few years. So much to think about. So much to regain.  So much to register and look back upon the countless lessons there are to learn. Lessons which maybe happened because I was in an almost never ending episode since 2012 onwards. I need to face the fact I’ve lost, spent and been conned out of tens of thousands. Time to get things back in line. Luckily most lessons were short and sharp. Time to learn from them and move on with life. A time to stop mourning or lamenting any past happenings and past episodes in life. 

I’m tired. It’s only 8:08pm and I’m tired. I could sleep. I’ve noticed my thoughts are a little faster. My ears are ringing a little. I’m aware that soon it will be the date of the birth of the man who fathered me. A strange time. A strange time of year too. Dreams and reality. The year turns. Lots of things tire me.  Riddles in the dark.  Bipolar is like a tv  programme. You never know what an episode may bring. Do I still write this for myself now I wonder? I’ve wondered today about not writing anymore. I’ve said lots.  Is there more to say? Maybe I’ll talk about death. Death is avoided by most. Well the subject is not the actual dying. We all die.  We don’t all get to choose how or when we die. Is suicide really so bad? Is it really so far out there in societies ‘norms’ so as to be frowned upon? We all die. We will all be dead one day. I wonder what I wonder? Hmmm I wonder.  Wonderful wondrous wonder.  It’s all shit and bullshit. 

Life never ceases to amaze me.  Things can often seem to go in cycles and circles.  Things repeat or crop up.  People you think have been gone from your life suddenly appear or you think about them.  Sometimes these things are in dreams too. What to make of it. I sometimes wonder about friends I’ve not seen for a while.  I wonder about making contact but am never sure if I should or if they’d want to hear from me.  It’s a strange world.  Lots to think about and ponder always. This time of year o often wonder about life and those who have gone from my life.  Maybe it’s just that.  Hmmmm

A day of anxiety so far. I struggled to eat breakfast and since leaving the house I’ve struggled at times to keep it in. I’m shattered. I’m anxious and I’m very aware that September 13th would of been my dads birthday and that dates are triggers. This time I’m watchful. This time I’m trying to form a plan to look at things differently but until it’s the end of September I won’t know if it’s worked or not. I need to break these cycles.

My memory is poor lately and I feel like although I’m on the ball others aren’t. I’m chasing other trades. I guess that’s the building trade and it’s one of the reasons I am forming plans for something else. I guess I’m doing well by being hyper vigilant though. I can notice the subtle changes in my body, a body that one day will die.

 What is in the future? What will happen to earth? Mankind often isn’t very kind. Humans are often as unkind to themselves as they are others. Sometimes even more so. Life. I guess that’s what it is. It’s life.

There’s no going back. There’s only analysis and perspectives. Logic is the way forwards. One must be logical and study the patterns and subtle nuances.

Life. 

Monday night I had a drink. I had half a bottle of wine. I knew it would probably affect me and it really did.  Yesterday I felt shit. Really shit.  Depressed and everything felt like it would build up.  I used some things I’ve learnt from mediation, my past and stoicism. I questioned the feelings.  I used logic and realised that I felt like it due to alcohol and had to reside it out.  It tired me out too and today I only worked about half a day or just over.  It’s been wet here so the timing was good.  I had a nap early aft on and hopefully I’m getting back to myself and feeling good and level.  

 Something that yesterday brought up was a strange feeling about bipolar episodes and how I’ve kind of missed them. Not in a good way but like when you’ve had hiccups and then they’re gone.  You’re glad they’ve gone but there’s something missing.  Something you’ve become used to and expected.  I don’t want to have an episode but having been level for quite some time it does feel strange not to have one or be in one.  It’s bloody good though!  

I’m making some plans and some changes in life.  Work is as secure as it can be when running a business.  Lots of work is coming in.  The money side of things is starting to get better too and I will build on that and not be complacent.  It is all getting back to where I was in late 2011.  Things were really good then.  My food growing has been very grounding and it’s becoming a part of what I do in life. Already the large freezer is almost full and we are now getting towards the bigger harvests.  We’re becoming quite used to eating good fresh vegetables now too.  I don’t know when we did last buy any veg.  We still have second early potatoes in the ground and then lots of main crop to harvest. So much more growing and I’m giving some away too.  We have lots of fruit growing nicely too. It’s all good. 

I have an irritation. It’s based on emotions.  Not my emotions but others emotions.  Maybe this won’t be bipolar related but maybe it’s down to my own mind/bipolar obsessional thinking.  

Ok I have just been on the Facebook/Faceache/Fakebook.  I’ve seen someone sharing a video of a guy trying to explain intuition and he’s throwing in a few scientific snippets about particles etc and how there’s interaction between protons and electrons.  This person posted that it’s scientific fact that intuition is now explained.  The guy in the video isn’t a scientist.  He’s using snippets of information to give people the impression he is right.  It’s a form of conformation bias in my opinion.  This happens so much on social media.  People are sucked into thinking that its scientific when it’s not.  It happens lots with countless things.  Throw in some bits that loosely look like they corroborate what you’re saying and people take it as fact then they share it so others then believe it.  It’s very wrong and it’s dumbing people down.  I’ve been there.  I’ve been guilty of it.  What also irritates me about these things, let’s not even get into the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and her dangerous bullshit, is that people think they now have something that they know others don’t etc.  This is dumbing humanity down.  I’ve studied magick and a true magician knows that he knows nothing.  Often these people think that they’ve ‘awakened’ their ‘kundalini’ or are ‘enlightened’ but it couldn’t be further from the truth.  They’re caught up in one upmanship and they’ve been hoodwinked by charlatans like David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe, another highly dangerous twat.  Why do people need to think they’re better than others or know something that ‘they/them/illuminati’ are keeping hidden from the world. That they’ve come across this special knowledge and are now superior. Yes I do see the irony in me writing this post as it could be considered I’m doing the same.  My reason for thinking and feeling these things is that I do believe it’s holding most back from actually becoming their higher selves.  It’s a trap. An ego trap and it’s laid out right in front of them.   It’s why I question everything about myself and doubt myself so much all the time.    

My point is this shite is not scientific at all. 

I woke about 5am this morning even though it was after 11:30pm when I went to sleep. I did go back to sleep but in the brief moment of being awake I remembered, maybe I woke from, strange dreams. Things out of my control but I couldn’t let them go. All very odd. I’m trying to only control what I can in life and let everything else be as is. In that moment of wakefulness I also felt compelled to come downstairs and go outside somewhere and kill myself with a rope.  I’ve no idea why. Maybe this is tied to stoicism. The ideas in it are to meditate on ones death and on things that we don’t own or cannot control. Maybe this makes some sense. Luckily I didn’t act on or take the ideas and thoughts of suicide seriously.  I need an early night tonight. I’ve showered early tonight. We will eat soon too. I must go to bed early and read or study and not go on Facebook, yes I’m back on there yet again.  

Today has been a tricky day at work. My customers are lovely people but a few things took longer to get done today than I had hoped.  They knew it had been frustrating for me and we had a nice chat before I left and they gave me a bottle of wine. They know I don’t drink as such but wanted to give me something nice and I might have a half glass. Maybe today’s frustrations were due in part from tiredness and also my dream and suicide ideation. Hmmmm