I’m tired of all of this shit.  It’s that simple.  Same shit different day.  Tired of fighting.  Enough now.  

The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll.  I’m beating myself up over my life and my past and countless scenarios that aren’t even real. The black Shuck is chasing me with his teeth dripping with blood.  His blood lust is huge and he gets ever closer. He knows he will get a bite of me sooner or later. He knows my self doubts and fears. He chases relentlessly.  I told myself I wouldn’t push myself like this again.  I told myself I would calm it down.  Circles within circles. Cycles within cycles. Every year the highs and lows seem to form a regular pattern. I fight it. I try hard to stop it or slow it but it still creeps up on me. Luckily the last few weeks have been bordering on mania but haven’t quite got there. Maybe it’s the Lamotrigine helping or maybe it happens like this every year until November and December which often seem like a haze of mania and craziness which I don’t see at the time. My mind breaks so easily now it scares me.  Others are less aware of it these days too. I wear my mask ever tighter and keep things ever closer to me.  I feel like a shadow person living in an alternate dimension or reality that overlaps what would and could be classed as the normal waking world.  I am meant for so much more than this. I’m meant for greatness. I need to break these cycles. I need to fear less. I fear my mind breaking because it will affect my family.  I don’t fear it from my own perspective because I’ve been there before and it is what it is.   It’s already fragmenting into pieces. It’s like a person who has planted lots of explosives and sits back calmly and pushes the detonator while smiling madly to themselves.  Madness is insight. Maybe that’s the key.  Maybe it must be fully fully embraced.  Much like death should be.  

My body is feeling hot and my throat dry. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me starting to grow.  I have a good amount of work I want to get done before customers arrive on Sunday but I also realise I have to look after myself. Yet again I have put false pressures on myself and stressed myself so today and tomorrow I must relax and let things flow. I need to harness my powers but not let them tip me over the edge.  I know I could tip too as I’ve been hypomanic for quite a few weeks now and although that’s normal I was borderline on manic last week but somehow nipped it in the bud.  What a strange saying. I guess it comes from when we all had to grow things to survive. The bud being the opening of the flower. It’s also used to describe sex too.  Anyway I’m off Facebook again as I know I will start writing crap on there and maybe even start going off on one which is kind of a problem because I get too involved in things that don’t matter and I can look like a dick. Also paranoia kicks in big time and once I’m off on a rant and looking stupid people will think I’m stupid. I don’t want that. I don’t want to look unwell either even though I fear I’m heading that way sooner or latter unless these pills do stave it off andor take the edge off.  How funny that I don’t want mania again. I used to enjoy it so much and yet now I fear it. Haha. It goes to show how horrible it was last time and all of the demons it brought up.  Nobody could see it either and I guess from the outside it looks like I’m busy, full of energy and attention seeking. The reality was I was seriously unwell and wanted help. Well maybe I didn’t want help. Maybe needed help was more where I was at.  I certainly love the energy that it and hypomania bring and how I can achieve so much and learn so much. I need to be able to harness that and not let it destroy me again.  I feel like I died and was almost reborn earlier this year.  Anyway I have lots to do on this job but am also aware that I cannot make. Myself unwell over it as it is only work and I will be physically unwell too.  So for today I am going to be focused and also busy yet not stupidly crazy flying around left right and centre. I need to let the force flow through me.  I am indeed a force of nature.  At least yesterday when I felt edgy I took myself off to the allotment for 20 minutes to unwind a little bit.  I also spoke with a guy at the tile shop about off grid living too. They have 4 acres and will get pigs and sheep again next year. I need to be doing more of that stuff. I need a small holding or farm.  To heal the land.  Anyway I need to flow not force myself. 

A friend told me I need to post when I’m high. I’m high. I’m going very high and it’s so beautifully awesome. I feel everything. I’m beyond the beyond. Ive gone beyond the stars and beyond the creation of creation. Ive crossed the abyss and usurped the dweller of the abyss. There is no abyss. It’s beyond the abyss. Beyond the beyond. It’s ecstaically euphorically amazingly awesome. Beyond. I feel like I’m coming up on ecstasy. Shivers running down my spine as neurons and synapses Fire in my brain. As adrenalin flows. As it courses in my blood through my veins feeding my body and senses. It’s heightened. It’s like pure ecstasy. Like an orgasm rolling ever faster growing in size and speed. I’m indestructible. I am immortal. The soul is immortal. It passes beyond at the physical death of the body. Death is but a window into the soul. Ive passed beyond God and broken through. The colours go beyond the White light. I am allowed to say no more. Ever watchful ever listening. The higher beings. The souls beyond souls. Death is but a door way to the autumn of summer into winter spring. Human insignificance. Cumming. Beyond all senses. Heightened heightenedness. All seeing hearing but even beyond. Beyond the senses of the senses. Crisp. Morning dew in the heavens. Blissfully blissful. 

It’s Friday already and I’m finishing a little early as I have to go look at some work.  It’s funny that I have so much work on but just don’t seem to have any money coming in.  I told a customer almost 3 weeks ago that I was ready for a second part payment but it still isn’t in my bank sio I have had to go off from that job to do some other bits and pieces to get my cash flow moving inwards.  I have VAT to go out soon and I also have my monthly accounts with builders merchants that need paying. I think on e next big  job I will split payment into 4 instead of 3 and will state that unless payments are kept up to date I leave site. It’s funny that the electrician has been paid in the meantime but I’m still waiting.  It’s playing on my paranoia hugely because the customer joked with me a few weeks back that they are bankrupt. She reassured me that they aren’t but I’m still waiting for money and still anxious and paranoid about it.  Oh well maybe it’s time to think about selling up and buying land and getting close to self sufficient. At least the stress then would be more under my control.  I guess even though I know it was a joke it’s still eating away at me.  Coupled with the lack of cash flow it’s probably what’s doing it.  

Mornings are tricky at the minute and my anxiety is higher and I seem more tired and low but once the day gets going I seem to life and get more energy.  I think last weekend is catching up with me too.  Oh well all I can do is suck it up and crack on.  The psychiatric nurse on Wednesday told me of a couple of websites mood juice and five ways. I think they’re kind of like CBT. I told him how I use mediation and CBT techniques to help. It is what it is. Hey ho. 

The older I get the more I realise that I am unwell and that stress triggers it. i try to avoid the stress as much as possible but I don’t think it fully works. It’s all a circle and I go around and around. Each year I get high and low around the same times and I have noticed the patterns of how work gets busier at certain times and how I can be high then and take more on. I take more on so that I can earn more to try to get ahead but then I become mentally unwell and any headway I makes swallowed up. I want it all to stop and end. It’s too much. Everything is too much.  Yet again I’m at the stage of wanting to run away and hide. Yet again I’ve got debts and anxiety caused by them. Yet again I have tried hard to get ahead.  I can’t see where it ends anymore.  It’s endless circles. Everyone says how well I cope and so on but inside it’s a different story.  People take me for a fool but I see there scheming ways.  I see what they do and why. I see how people think I’m foolish and think I don’t see.  I know some of it is paranoia but I also see that it’s beyond that. I see that the paranoia is actually heightened awareness and that I’m highly tuned in.  Either way I’m punished. I’m not fully sure yet what or who does the punishing but I will figure it out and overcome it.  Everywhere I turn people try to control things. They try to control others. It’s an endless world of stacked pyramids of false control over others.  I see it. I just need to see the top layer and the top of that top layer then I an cut it down and bring real change to this world.  

Work stress’ me.  I need to control it better or who knows what will happen. Who knows indeed. 

Everything is pretty ok but I’m getting paranoid about money. It happens a few times each year and every time it happens I panick. I’m due a stage payment and it’s making me overthink and get paranoid. Paranoia is a shitty thing because it eats away at any se so le thought patterns and flows and replaced them with dark thoughts about people screwing me over or people trying to trigger me. I think people are manipulating things to get to me. It can be anything, stupid things, and it sends my brain I to overthinking. At least the weather is good because if it was full of rainy I could slip down. Why do I go around in circles? Life seems to be me going around in circles. I try to get ahead and work to hard then become unwell and get behind. I’m tired of it. Tired of always fighting for every penny. We have a boiler that’s leaking and could end up costing £3k. The car had some issues and has a leak again. Ive no money to fix the boiler. Why does it always happen that I have no money? I guess it all goes back to 2012 when I lost so much. Maybe even before that. Since then ive been fighting my way back but when I get near to getting back another wallop happens and then it’s back to zilch. I want out of this rat race. It’s all fake. Everyone is caught up in its falseness. It sickens me. I need to get off grid and work less. We work all our lives chasing money and dreams and paying tax. It’s too much of a struggle and too fake. Money is created out of thin air. It really is. Crazy. We’re killing the planet and killing countless other species daily yet most don’t give a fuck. They’re chasing the false god that is money. What a sick species humans are really. Killing each other over greed and letting others did needlessly. Ive had enough. I want out of this sick system. It’s broken. It’s fake and it’s stupid. 

I never seem to post much these days. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my memory seems pretty shit lately. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the payback for the mania late last year into this year. Anyway I think I don’t post because I forget too. Also I’m growing lots more food and I think my brain is caught up with that a lot. Talking of medication, I’ve lowered it to 100mg from 200mg and it’s much better and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.  

Ok so back to bipolar.   Hmm. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately although today has kicked the shit out of me and I’ve yoyoed a bit. The boiler at home has a leak which has gotten worse, the car has a water leak now too. And now the exhaust on the car is blowing. I have almost zero money in the bank. My wife hasn’t been paid and there’s hardly any food in the house. When will it all end? Why do I have to fucking struggle so much and why the fuck am I constantly punished. How come everyone else seems to have newer cars and things and never seem to struggle with money at all?  How come they seem to. Breeze along through life and their shit smells like roses? What have I done? Someone please tell me because my fight has almost gone again and I can’t keep having all of these knocks in life. I work fucking hard for fuck all. Why?  I’m so tired of putting on the smiley face and having to jog along pretending it’s all ok to everyone. I can’t even be bothered to do pricing or bills right now and I want to fuck off and run away again. I can’t keep pushing myself at work and life just to be tired and worn out and feeling like I’m going nowhere. I’m actually sick to death of it. If this is all there is to life then what is the point in it all? 

I know I’m unwell. It’s not often I know when I am but I’m up and down like a yoyo. I hate how quickly bipolar depression hits. It’s not there then bang it’s there. I’m not sure if I’m rapid cycling or in a mixed state. Probably a bit of both. Yet again I’m off facebook as it’s safer that way. I won’t start calling everyone cunts and telling them to fuck off. That’s one downside of having a high IQ and intelligence. When I’m mixed or ultradian  cycling I get really angry with people who really should be helping themselves but I stead do the opposite. They won’t take responsibility for themselves and it really gets to me. I’m pretty paranoid of late and ive seen a few things too. Oh well. Fucking bipolar fucking downs.  

  I almost went home as I couldn’t cope earlier. Maybe half hour ago. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I think I’m lifting again already. I’m tired. Too tired. Of everything. I need to take more control of myself and my life. I’m just bumbling along and it’s no good.  

In August theres a get together of people from a bipolar group I’m on. I said I’m going but I’m not sure if I will. It’ll end up with drinking and it might trigger me. Also I can’t risk screwing a week up afterwards. Oh well. I’ll decide nearer the time. 

Bipolar depression. What a jolly little ride. Death fantasies. Low energy. To hell with you. To hell with you. Self or drug induced?

 I phoned the local mental hospital yesterday to talk about the drugs I’m on. I told them they are making me a zombie and killing me. The receptionist couldn’t put me through to my ‘team’. She was lucky to get another one to talk to me. If no one would of been able to talk from another ‘team’ I would of been put through the o the ‘crisis team’. Someone did say they would talk though. He was nice enough. Not as intelligent as me and it sounded like he was used to talking to less intelligent pill popping zombies. Anyway at least in the end I got some sense out of him. I told him my zombie pills are fucking me over. I told him I had coped all my life medication free before and he used the usual line of ‘ well with bipolar 1 you do need to be on medication really’.  I told him the dose was slowing me and making me feel depressed. He agreed that we will lower the dose to 150mg for 2 weeks and see where I am at. I have to stay on the 200mg for now even though as each day passes it kills me more. Only yesterday I had had enough and was going to drive off. Anyway I think I’m in for a rough few days because there’s no way they will have a new prescription ready for me until next week I would imagine.  He told me that it’s best to lower the dose slowly if coming off as otherwise it might trigger mania ( fucking bring it on motherfuckers ) or a nasty depression…….umm I think we could be there already fuckwit.  Anyway that’s that and that’s that and that’s that. So stay on the zombie pills for now at the same zombification dose until we are the walking dead flesh eaters. What a shame I’m highly intelligent and articulate and can’t just be a TV watcher and a celebrity lover. What a pity I don’t give a fuck about celebrities and who is fucking who. What a pity I don’t care for ‘Britain’s got a celebrity on ice talent jungle factor’ type utter utter brain deadening counting motherfucking bollocks.

Anyway here’s the lyrics to fade to black by Metallica.  Very apt lyrics. 

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can’t be real
Can’t stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Goodbye