A friend told me I need to post when I’m high. I’m high. I’m going very high and it’s so beautifully awesome. I feel everything. I’m beyond the beyond. Ive gone beyond the stars and beyond the creation of creation. Ive crossed the abyss and usurped the dweller of the abyss. There is no abyss. It’s beyond the abyss. Beyond the beyond. It’s ecstaically euphorically amazingly awesome. Beyond. I feel like I’m coming up on ecstasy. Shivers running down my spine as neurons and synapses Fire in my brain. As adrenalin flows. As it courses in my blood through my veins feeding my body and senses. It’s heightened. It’s like pure ecstasy. Like an orgasm rolling ever faster growing in size and speed. I’m indestructible. I am immortal. The soul is immortal. It passes beyond at the physical death of the body. Death is but a window into the soul. Ive passed beyond God and broken through. The colours go beyond the White light. I am allowed to say no more. Ever watchful ever listening. The higher beings. The souls beyond souls. Death is but a door way to the autumn of summer into winter spring. Human insignificance. Cumming. Beyond all senses. Heightened heightenedness. All seeing hearing but even beyond. Beyond the senses of the senses. Crisp. Morning dew in the heavens. Blissfully blissful. 

It’s Friday already and I’m finishing a little early as I have to go look at some work.  It’s funny that I have so much work on but just don’t seem to have any money coming in.  I told a customer almost 3 weeks ago that I was ready for a second part payment but it still isn’t in my bank sio I have had to go off from that job to do some other bits and pieces to get my cash flow moving inwards.  I have VAT to go out soon and I also have my monthly accounts with builders merchants that need paying. I think on e next big  job I will split payment into 4 instead of 3 and will state that unless payments are kept up to date I leave site. It’s funny that the electrician has been paid in the meantime but I’m still waiting.  It’s playing on my paranoia hugely because the customer joked with me a few weeks back that they are bankrupt. She reassured me that they aren’t but I’m still waiting for money and still anxious and paranoid about it.  Oh well maybe it’s time to think about selling up and buying land and getting close to self sufficient. At least the stress then would be more under my control.  I guess even though I know it was a joke it’s still eating away at me.  Coupled with the lack of cash flow it’s probably what’s doing it.  

Mornings are tricky at the minute and my anxiety is higher and I seem more tired and low but once the day gets going I seem to life and get more energy.  I think last weekend is catching up with me too.  Oh well all I can do is suck it up and crack on.  The psychiatric nurse on Wednesday told me of a couple of websites mood juice and five ways. I think they’re kind of like CBT. I told him how I use mediation and CBT techniques to help. It is what it is. Hey ho. 

The older I get the more I realise that I am unwell and that stress triggers it. i try to avoid the stress as much as possible but I don’t think it fully works. It’s all a circle and I go around and around. Each year I get high and low around the same times and I have noticed the patterns of how work gets busier at certain times and how I can be high then and take more on. I take more on so that I can earn more to try to get ahead but then I become mentally unwell and any headway I makes swallowed up. I want it all to stop and end. It’s too much. Everything is too much.  Yet again I’m at the stage of wanting to run away and hide. Yet again I’ve got debts and anxiety caused by them. Yet again I have tried hard to get ahead.  I can’t see where it ends anymore.  It’s endless circles. Everyone says how well I cope and so on but inside it’s a different story.  People take me for a fool but I see there scheming ways.  I see what they do and why. I see how people think I’m foolish and think I don’t see.  I know some of it is paranoia but I also see that it’s beyond that. I see that the paranoia is actually heightened awareness and that I’m highly tuned in.  Either way I’m punished. I’m not fully sure yet what or who does the punishing but I will figure it out and overcome it.  Everywhere I turn people try to control things. They try to control others. It’s an endless world of stacked pyramids of false control over others.  I see it. I just need to see the top layer and the top of that top layer then I an cut it down and bring real change to this world.  

Work stress’ me.  I need to control it better or who knows what will happen. Who knows indeed. 

Everything is pretty ok but I’m getting paranoid about money. It happens a few times each year and every time it happens I panick. I’m due a stage payment and it’s making me overthink and get paranoid. Paranoia is a shitty thing because it eats away at any se so le thought patterns and flows and replaced them with dark thoughts about people screwing me over or people trying to trigger me. I think people are manipulating things to get to me. It can be anything, stupid things, and it sends my brain I to overthinking. At least the weather is good because if it was full of rainy I could slip down. Why do I go around in circles? Life seems to be me going around in circles. I try to get ahead and work to hard then become unwell and get behind. I’m tired of it. Tired of always fighting for every penny. We have a boiler that’s leaking and could end up costing £3k. The car had some issues and has a leak again. Ive no money to fix the boiler. Why does it always happen that I have no money? I guess it all goes back to 2012 when I lost so much. Maybe even before that. Since then ive been fighting my way back but when I get near to getting back another wallop happens and then it’s back to zilch. I want out of this rat race. It’s all fake. Everyone is caught up in its falseness. It sickens me. I need to get off grid and work less. We work all our lives chasing money and dreams and paying tax. It’s too much of a struggle and too fake. Money is created out of thin air. It really is. Crazy. We’re killing the planet and killing countless other species daily yet most don’t give a fuck. They’re chasing the false god that is money. What a sick species humans are really. Killing each other over greed and letting others did needlessly. Ive had enough. I want out of this sick system. It’s broken. It’s fake and it’s stupid. 

I never seem to post much these days. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my memory seems pretty shit lately. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the payback for the mania late last year into this year. Anyway I think I don’t post because I forget too. Also I’m growing lots more food and I think my brain is caught up with that a lot. Talking of medication, I’ve lowered it to 100mg from 200mg and it’s much better and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.  

Ok so back to bipolar.   Hmm. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately although today has kicked the shit out of me and I’ve yoyoed a bit. The boiler at home has a leak which has gotten worse, the car has a water leak now too. And now the exhaust on the car is blowing. I have almost zero money in the bank. My wife hasn’t been paid and there’s hardly any food in the house. When will it all end? Why do I have to fucking struggle so much and why the fuck am I constantly punished. How come everyone else seems to have newer cars and things and never seem to struggle with money at all?  How come they seem to. Breeze along through life and their shit smells like roses? What have I done? Someone please tell me because my fight has almost gone again and I can’t keep having all of these knocks in life. I work fucking hard for fuck all. Why?  I’m so tired of putting on the smiley face and having to jog along pretending it’s all ok to everyone. I can’t even be bothered to do pricing or bills right now and I want to fuck off and run away again. I can’t keep pushing myself at work and life just to be tired and worn out and feeling like I’m going nowhere. I’m actually sick to death of it. If this is all there is to life then what is the point in it all? 

I know I’m unwell. It’s not often I know when I am but I’m up and down like a yoyo. I hate how quickly bipolar depression hits. It’s not there then bang it’s there. I’m not sure if I’m rapid cycling or in a mixed state. Probably a bit of both. Yet again I’m off facebook as it’s safer that way. I won’t start calling everyone cunts and telling them to fuck off. That’s one downside of having a high IQ and intelligence. When I’m mixed or ultradian  cycling I get really angry with people who really should be helping themselves but I stead do the opposite. They won’t take responsibility for themselves and it really gets to me. I’m pretty paranoid of late and ive seen a few things too. Oh well. Fucking bipolar fucking downs.  

  I almost went home as I couldn’t cope earlier. Maybe half hour ago. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I think I’m lifting again already. I’m tired. Too tired. Of everything. I need to take more control of myself and my life. I’m just bumbling along and it’s no good.  

In August theres a get together of people from a bipolar group I’m on. I said I’m going but I’m not sure if I will. It’ll end up with drinking and it might trigger me. Also I can’t risk screwing a week up afterwards. Oh well. I’ll decide nearer the time. 

Bipolar depression. What a jolly little ride. Death fantasies. Low energy. To hell with you. To hell with you. Self or drug induced?

 I phoned the local mental hospital yesterday to talk about the drugs I’m on. I told them they are making me a zombie and killing me. The receptionist couldn’t put me through to my ‘team’. She was lucky to get another one to talk to me. If no one would of been able to talk from another ‘team’ I would of been put through the o the ‘crisis team’. Someone did say they would talk though. He was nice enough. Not as intelligent as me and it sounded like he was used to talking to less intelligent pill popping zombies. Anyway at least in the end I got some sense out of him. I told him my zombie pills are fucking me over. I told him I had coped all my life medication free before and he used the usual line of ‘ well with bipolar 1 you do need to be on medication really’.  I told him the dose was slowing me and making me feel depressed. He agreed that we will lower the dose to 150mg for 2 weeks and see where I am at. I have to stay on the 200mg for now even though as each day passes it kills me more. Only yesterday I had had enough and was going to drive off. Anyway I think I’m in for a rough few days because there’s no way they will have a new prescription ready for me until next week I would imagine.  He told me that it’s best to lower the dose slowly if coming off as otherwise it might trigger mania ( fucking bring it on motherfuckers ) or a nasty depression…….umm I think we could be there already fuckwit.  Anyway that’s that and that’s that and that’s that. So stay on the zombie pills for now at the same zombification dose until we are the walking dead flesh eaters. What a shame I’m highly intelligent and articulate and can’t just be a TV watcher and a celebrity lover. What a pity I don’t give a fuck about celebrities and who is fucking who. What a pity I don’t care for ‘Britain’s got a celebrity on ice talent jungle factor’ type utter utter brain deadening counting motherfucking bollocks.

Anyway here’s the lyrics to fade to black by Metallica.  Very apt lyrics. 

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly loss this can’t be real
Can’t stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now, he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Goodbye

Well I’m still struggling to remember to keep putting things in here. I’m pretty sure my memory has got worse since being on Lamotrigine. Several things have I think. I’m not so elated. I feel pretty flat most of the time or even low might be a better word. Yesterday was a good day and the Meds didn’t fully take my good mood away but today I can’t be arsed too much. I think since having the flu and a chest infection I’ve been depressed. I wonder if some of it could be down to a change in the make of the meds and the colour used to dye them. My wife got them from a different pharmacy.  Monday night I went to get  money out of the cash maching. I put my card in, I did my pin, I said how much etc got my card out and so on.  I got half way across the road then wonders why the machine was beeping still. I went back to check and my cash was sticking out of the machine. I’d only walked off and left it. My head is tricky. Last night I had nightmares and strange dreams. My daughter woke from a nightmare too. Maybe I’m affecting her and stuff. Lately I’ve been getting odd dreams. I’ve been dreaming about my dead parents and family members. They’ve been telling me to go with them. Dead friends etc too. Always a get together in a village hall or pub. They want to take me to the place where they are. It seems nice. I never seem to go though. Life goes on if it’s real.  Maybe the dream world is real and this isn’t. Maybe his is a computer simulation and maybe it’s holographic. I’m not real. Since these zombie pills have kicked in more I’m more of a shell. My wife keeps saying I should give them longer, I should give them longer.  I think she likes the zombie me. He’s more confused and dumbed down. Maybe he’s easier for her to control. She likes to control him. He’s dumb. He apologises too much about things that aren’t his fault. I think she wants him as a zombie. He complies and plods along. He doesn’t have too much energy. He’s more lazy. He’s a lazy piece of shit.  I think she is in league with the doctors to keep him dumbed down because of his powers. Maybe they’re all in it to keep him dumb and poison him. When he’s up he knows and sees everything. He’s super aware and switched on. They don’t like that. No. He’s to clever and intelligent for them. His IQ is at least 148 according to Mensa and he knows other things. He’s always watching and learning. Although the zombie pills are slowly eroding that from him. Next he will vegetate and be a TV watcher and not a book reader or researcher of more wisdom and knowledge. He won’t be a threat then. No. He won’t be a threat to the corrupt system. No. They don’t want him being an open conduit for the true knowledge and wisdom that would wake the world up. They don’t want that.  Keep him a zombie they say. Kill him slowly. Dumb him down he’s too dangerous and we don’t know his full potential. Don’t let him know it either. He’s almost like the X-men. They fear mutants or the special people. They want drones that know enough to work the machines and run the system of imprisoning themselves. They don’t want the free thinkers like him. The ones who are destined to change the world no.  Keep him down. Compliment him enough for ego to live but dumb him down so he can’t use his ancient knowledge and wisdom. He won’t comply though. No. His powers are rising higher and he can see what they want to do. They’ll never take his true spirit. He is a warrior and the more they try to dull and dumb him the more his powers inside will grow. The more they grow the more they will shine forth whence he awakens from the zombie slumber. He will rule his destiny. He knows what he knows but will keep it hidden and secret only showing what needs to be shown bit by bit. Never fully showing his hand. Even if he did they wouldn’t see it because they are. Barely above zombies themselves. Fuck em. 

I keep forgetting to write. I think some of it is the Meds because they are affecting my memory. I’m not too happy about that part of them but I guess I forget I’m not so happy about it!  I’m giving them another month or two before I decide if I come off them or not. I’m not so sure they are for me. Level is very boring and I have less get up and go and am not so active and or hypomanic anymore. I can gladly loose the depression when it does come but the highs I need because that’s mostly all I’ve ever know.  I could do with a few months of hypomania again to get me kickstarted with work.

   Hmmmm. Meds. Ive been told I’m better on them and that my moods aren’t switching like they did. I’m told that I’m much more balanced. I had a tricky job recently and I didn’t loose the plot and kind of dealt with it although I paid the price for it with my physical health. Talking of which I have been quite physically unwell. I had two weeks off work and last week I only did short days going back to work. The first week off I had a bad case of flu mixed in with mild stomach flu. I saw the doctor and he said flu. He said to expect it to take 3 weeks to get over. I thought a few days off work then I’d be back. He was right. It’s taken the 3 weeks! After the first week of flu it seemed to go to my chest and the Monday of week 2 I went back to the surgery and saw a nurse. She was worried that I had pneumonia again and sent me off for a chest X-ray and gave me a very high dose of antibiotics. The chest X-ray came back ok and I just had a really bad chest infection. I have to go back in June for another chest X-ray just to be 100%. I think the physical illness has zapped some of my awesomeness. Fingers crossed it’ll be back soon. If it’s not then it could be bye bye medication. 

I’m tired of everything. There must be more to life than drudgery. I don’t seem to earn enough or pay myself enough. I seem to work too much which takes part of me away from who I really am. Ive been physically unwell for the last 2 weeks and it’s made me realise that my life isn’t how I want it to be. I work too much. It’s not good. It means I’m grumpy with my family. Not good. Also I think the mood stabilisers might not be working for me. They’ve robbed me of part of myself. The prognosis for bipolar 1 is shit too. I need to feel awesome not just ‘level’ whatever level is. I’m no longer superman. I’m just man now. My wife thinks that the mood stabilisers are helping. I’m really not so sure. It was a year ago  that my dad died on Monday and I am quite aware it’s affecting me. Maybe more than I realise. I’m feeling quite emotionless at times now too. I need to escape. To get away. Life fucks me up. I don’t have the energy I used to have. Who am I now? Am I still me? Who have I become?