If I could or can feel like this all of the time then I certainly choose to. I’m feeling good. I’m not sure what else to write. I’ve felt like this now since Saturday or Sunday. I honestly don’t think I’ve felt like this for years. Many years. Maybe over 10 years since before my children were born maybe. Maybe I’ve never actually felt this good or this normal or even this level of inner peace either. I’m human again but more, more than that, I’m kind of superhuman but not in a high way just a good modes normal way. Life seems pretty good right now, pretty big standard normal kind of good. I think I’ve always wanted an exceptional life but right now my life is normal which is exceptional. I use an app on my phone to chart moods, anxiety, sleep etc and it’s flatlined over the last few days which means no highs or lows just good old normal ness. I think getting my circadian rhythms good has helped along with countless other things like coming off Facebook and twitter, cutting a few emotional and energy sucking vampires out too. I don’t watch tv and I barely listen to the radio so I’m not getting told what to think either. Avoiding television and all forms of news has helped enormously because we really are age ted by those things and we are made to form an opinion of the news items too. Opinions that we might not look at rationally  either. So I guess lots of small things make us distracted, or certainly me anyway. Long may it last. 

This morning I’m feeling pretty normal. I’d almost say I feel good. Long may it last. 

I’m feeling normal. No anxiety, no fears, no extra energy. I feel good. I’m a little tired but it’s a normal kind of tired. I feel good about it too. I never thought feeling ‘normal’ would feel good. I’d live to feel like this all of the time. My mental discipline is almost back to its normal level too. Long may it last. I’ve gotten rid of a negative situation/person from my life recently too. I’ve decided that I need to be more selfish when it comes to my mental health now. I need to notice the negative and stick with what’s good for me. Then I should feel better more often. 

Life is crazy, so very crazy. Sometimes I think I know myself and at other times I’m completely lost. 

Today I’m tired. I’m a bit grumpy too. Most of last week I was late to bed because I had energy. I’m still feeling good but just a little tired. I’m conscious that I’m feeling good and I’m questioning if I do have mental health issues at all.  Maybe I don’t and maybe I just over think and let things get on top of me too much.

I’m back practicing some ritual too. It’ll be a long process but it’ll be good.

I’ve had lots of headaches this week too. Possibly because of atmospheric pressure but possibly because my brain aches and I’m tired. I’ve certainly had energy. Maybe that’s caused the headaches.

Back to ritual. I’m doing workings to invoke my Holy Guardian Angel. It’s something I started years ago and got quite far with. I also started to cross the Abyss too but fell foul of Choronzon and although I thought I’d finished the works I don’t think I did, certainly not properly. That’s why I’ve had to go back to them and possibly why my head hasn’t been right either, because of not completing the works. Anyway, regardless of that, they need to be completed. I can also see how they’re connected to the higher Buddhist workings I’ve been practicing on and off. I’m going to get myself fully back on track with things. 

Today I’m feeling a bit human. I woke before 6 and didn’t go to bed until about 11. Usually I need more sleep than this. I’m feeling better anyway. The last few days were tiring in all ways. It’s good to be feeling a bit ok. I’m still forgetting lots of things and need more focus but that’s ok. It will come. 

I’m feeling all over the place. I’m feeling hot internally too. I think I’m a bit mixed. I’m anxious and full of energy too. Not sure what else to say. 

My head has been fuzzy lately and I seem to be struggling with my memory which is unusual. I’ve also been struggling with staying at work. Yesterday morning I nearly came home at 10am because I felt odd and my head was pounding. I don’t know why. I had a headache on Monday as well. My thinking is really muddled and my concentration seems shot most of the time. I struggled to do a simple sum earlier this week. I was completely vague which is very unlike me. I’m feeling like my brain has had overload. It’s strange. I can’t explain it fully. I’m writing this for me but who am I or what am I writing for ? I know I’m trying to keep a log of things but I don’t read back through anymore. I seem to of got addicted to a forum and I need, for my own sake, to take a huge step back. I’m fearful that being on there isn’t helping me with my mind. I always seem to get addicted to things. I can see cycles of my behaviour over weeks, months and years but every time I think I’ve broken the pattern I seem to find myself back in it! Is this all just a huge game? Am I just a character in a computer game and I only have set parameters that I can work within? It is starting to feel that way. I’m getting really tired of the mental pain and I’m struggling to see a way out. I’m tired of feeling this way, tired of these feelings, if you can call them feelings. I need balance in my life but I seem to fuck up any balance I have when I feel balanced. Oh and I just swore then. I do swear. Often. Why haven’t I sworn before? I’m writing this for me so fuck it. I’ll swear if I feel I need to. I know it doesn’t help in articulating how I feel but sometimes it helps to say fuck it. I even bought a book called ‘fuck it’ about a relaxed way of spirituality. Maybe I need to contact them or read it again. I hope I don’t offer them advice. I’ve contacted NASA before to point them in the right direction with interstellar space travel but they didn’t respond. I guess they thought I was a nutter.  Maybe they’ve just missed out on learning some stuff. Their loss. I even contacted David Icke once to try pointing him in the right direction, away from his negative views. People should listen to me. I’m not as nutty as they think. Maybe I’m almost a genius at times. I don’t know. 

anxious. Not at my best.

Why is it that my concentration fluid out of the window so easily? How come I focus so well for a few weeks or months and get on too but then I loose that focus? It’s time to get that focus back fully. It tears me to pieces to get in such a mental muddle. How and when did this happen? I’m not sure but I need to cure it that’s for sure. 

It’s Monday morning again and I only have the tiniest bit of anxiety. I’ve been awake since just before 6 so I know I’m getting back to my normal daily rhythms. I’m feeling quite rested too which is good. It’s a wet start to the day today but I’m working indoors so that’s ok. I’d better get started with the day and take it from there.