Tuesday again and I’m realising that I’ve got huge amounts to do this week. I think I will need to work all day Saturday as well. I had planned a trip to London but I honestly think that needs to take a back seat. The lad is apparently coming back to work today. He’s really got to pull his finger out and step up a few gears. 

Meditation has been pretty good again lately. I’ll meditate shortly. 

It’s going to be a very long week ahead. I’ll be working long days again. I’m supposed to be going down to London on Saturday but I’m not sure it will be possible with the amount of work I need to get done this week. I’ll know more after Thursday. I also need to get some money in pretty quickly too. I’ve almost finished a £7.5k job and still haven’t received the first payment of £2.5k! I’ve got my tax to pay soon as well. This always seem to happen around tax paying time!

The lad who works for me should be back today and we have lots of catching up to do as we are now really behind. If he’s not I’m getting in the shit fast with work. There’s only so much I can do on my own. 

I’ve meditated this morning already. 

my children and I slept in our bell tent in the garden last night and there was a huge thunderstorm. I thought they’d want to come indoors but they didn’t. It was after midnight and they hardly stirred but they did hear it. Their mum didn’t stay out there with us as she was indoors after drinking too much and throwing up lots from 7:30pm onwards. It rained really hard too. It’s looking likely that it’s going to rain today. It’s dry at the minute. 

I guess whatever happens today will happen. I need to get some VAT done today and possibly paint some gates if it doesn’t rain. I’ve got another manic week ahead too. Lots to get done!

It’s saturns day again and I’m resting again. I had intended to go to work but it’s rained hard here so I’m waiting to see if it dries off. I’m shattered.  It might rain again soon. I need to get my VAT done too. 

Magically I’ve rested and meditated. I need to get back in my lab as well but only when I’m mentally fit. 

It’s been another long day. A mad day. A hot day.  Sometimes in life we meet people who seem like they’ve got it all together but in fact they may well be wearing a mask and inside they’re in pieces. They may be delusional or paranoid deep down but you don’t see it.  They keep things under wraps deep down. Inner turmoil is never easy for another to see. One can literally be hanging by the frayed ends of sanity but to others one has it altogether and sorted out. Sometimes that’s me. Sometimes I don’t even have those frayed ends. 

I’m worn out in pretty much every way possible right now. My focus isn’t what it ought to be. My body hasn’t been exercised for 3 weeks. I’ve been feeling to rough to exercise. Exercise helps balance me out properly. I’ve had to put it to one side though until my cough has gone. Until the stress has gone too. Hopefully next week I’ll hit the weights again. Something needs hitting that’s for sure or someone! 

Work is very busy and again I’ve done over 10 1/2 hours today. It’s almost panic time, but I can’t be bothered to panic or get stressed. 

it’s Thursday evening already. Where does ‘time’ go? Seriously where does it go? Where does it come from ? If there truly is only now then every single moment, every single action, every single past and future all exist in this moment. They exist all at the same time. Forever. Everything is born, grows and does right now. Everything. Is that possible? Maybe it is. Maybe I don’t exist or I’m a figment of my own imagination. Maybe I’m not even me. Maybe I’m someone else pretending to be me.  Maybe I’m just a character in a game. The game. The game of life. Maybe I am creation happening constantly. I can see things beyond what my eyes see. Is that special? Is it unusual?  Maybe I’m just very aware of things. It hurts my brain sometimes , if my brain exists. If I exist . If ‘I’ exist. Maybe there is no ‘I’ no me. Maybe I don’t exist at all. 

I was awake at 5:15 this morning and got up at 5:45. I’m wondering whether to get an early start this morning. Maybe it’s a good idea but maybe not. Either way we’ve got another busy day ahead today. I honestly don’t think that the lad/apprentice will be back today either. If he is he will be digging a trench. 

Magically I’ve slowed down a little because I’m really tired. I’m still doing long days. I did rest well last night though. I’m still reading Crowley. 

Time to relax a little before a busy day ahead. 

I’m a little late up today. I’m feeling a little stressed but relaxed too. I’ve got some extra help at work for a few days possibly a little longer hopefully. I’ve heard a few things about the lad who works for me, he’s been off ill for 3 weeks, things that don’t sound too good. I will have to have words with him. 

I’m glad to be getting on top of things a little but I’ve got an upset stomach this morning which is a pain but I’ll be ok. Hopefully I will be able to start finishing at a normal time soon rather than 7 or 8pm.  

I’ve got a new book to read which looks like it will be very interesting. I need to finish reading about Aleister Crowley first though. It’s called ‘The golden thread of time’ 

I’m still feeling worn out and tired but I’ll be ok. I need to get some money in too! I’m always owed money. Always. I guess that’s what it’s like running a business. 

Hopefully today I can start getting on top of some stuff. Onwards and upwards. 

I have worked out some plans to get back on too of my workload. So far so good. I’ve realised some people seriously need to ‘man up’ and stop being treated so well. They need to seriously start pulling their weight at work or they will be gone. I might back my workload down and go back to working alone, sometimes I end up doing more than my share anyway, or I might look to employ someone fully capable. Either way things will change. I am worse off financially and physically than I was three years ago. 

I am also again working on self mastery too. I try to be fully present in waking life as much as possible, although I do get distracted from this by social (anti) media. Once again I need to work upon myself. To go within. To retreat into myself a little more again. My magic is strong again and I need to use it for myself as well as others. Sometimes others feed off it. 

It’s Monday again already. I’m not stressed yet but I’ve got so much to do this week it’s crazy. Far too much. I’m hoping the apprentice is back at work today after nearly three weeks off with hay fever and a stomach upset. He texted me yesterday saying he hopes to be back and to ask for a weeks holiday in two weeks time! 

I am so behind at work it’s not funny anymore. I feel like a robot and that’s not good. I did take both days off this weekend. I can see the end a little but it’s weeks away. My cough is still lingering. I need a holiday. I’m worn out physically and mentally. I have my VAT to get done too! Always something to get done! Maybe I need to disconnect from this mad world! Go live in a cave and do all that I actually want to do rather than lots of work.